Last days.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by reptor, Mar 27, 2010.

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  1. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    Today is the worst I've been ever. I'm manic and the thoughts are stronger then ever. I've been getting my plans in place for a while now and was working on a schedule and not impulse, but, the impulses are winning today.

    Just wanted to say farewell to the few who seemed to possibly understand and care. I'll be in and out of the board today. Having some people over tonight for a small gathering, they are not aware of my plans and it really is my funeral of sorts.

    Thanks for the support and kind words you have given here.

    Been one hell of a ride lately, I'm glad it's almost over.
  2. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    hang on reptor just please hang on. things really can and will get better i am living proof of this. if things can (and have) gotten better for me it will literally happen for anyone. after all everyone and anyone deserves this happiness far more than i. there is much to be learned from our sufferings and thus a lot of wisdom to share and pass along to others. this is how mental health works best and does the most good. please i would like to encourage to dig even just a little deeper if not much deeper, and find the inner strength which i know for a fact you possess and let's try to figure things out and work on things together. i'm willing to help and it is most definately worth any time i can give to do it. you are worth it to me.

    i know you probably have not had good self worth messages i really don't see how you could and still want to do what it is that you are planning. i guess it is possible but i'm thinking probably unlikely. all that saying this...i would like to encourage you to at least try to begin to give yourself maybe three positive messages a day while looking at yourself in the mirror. i will be honest with ya it just doesn't feel right at all in the beginning it feels terribly unnatural, but i promise you and i don't say promise when i can't actually do it, but i promise you things will begin to change and slowly but surely it will begin to help you gain a little new perspective and something that helps. anyways, i'm sure i've just bored you to tears here. this is only one of many suggestions i can offer ya. want to know more just ask i will be glad to help as much as i possibly can. please take care of yourself i very much look forward to seeing you around the forum now and in the very far future.
  3. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    I appreciate the good thoughts, but, there is nothing left to be positive about. I've been rejected by the people I loved, been rejected for evey job I try for, rejected by my best friend for telling them my thoughts.

    For once in my life I'm going to do something and do it right the first and only time. I don't know why I posted today. Usually it's a cry for help, but, I think I just wanted to be able to tell someone, anyone who would listen and believe me for a change.

    Everything has a ver new clarity about it. I feel good about my choices and feel they are right. If I hurt anyone emotionally with what i've chosen, I know they will heal in time. If they don't then maybe they'll understand what I see and feel everyday.

    They say it's always darkest before the dawn. Well my dawn has finally arrived and I am ready. It's just not worth it anymore. I have no fight left and no will to try anymore.
  4. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I once heard a manic depressive on YouTube say that instead of trying to jam a square block into a round hole, manic depressives have to create a square hole in order to be able to fit it in there.

    He was referring to manic depressives having to arrange their lives differently than those who aren't manic depressive.

    I dunno if that's an approach you've tried? Manic depression seems hard to get rid of but maybe it's not impossible to live with it?

    Bear in mind that this is the first post of yours that I've read so please understand that I'm not as informed about your background as much as one can be.
  5. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    Sapphire those are good words of wisdom, I've tried that method. I've rearranged my life so many times and tried so many options. I've run out of ideas. No offense to anyone, but, I've heard it all and tried everything within my means and beyond at times.

    Yesterday was all about rejection yet again for me. Rejected by my loved ones, my friends, a few more jobs, and even from total strangers.

    I am numb and for the first time I can actually feel the cold. It's completely sunk into me and won't let go this time. I'm standing at the proverbial ledge and as I look around myself, no matter which way I go it's all down. There is no more taking a step back and looking into myself. All that's left inside is dark and empty.

    I can't even feel bad for what it might do to my children anymore. They already have a new father figure in their lives so i'm not needed by them anymore either. That is the most paindful of it all.
  6. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    you know i hear you and i totally know how you're feeling i've only been there probably at least a million times in my life myself, but i have to tell you the dawn of which is spoken is the dawn of the good things in life. when all we know is bad this is all we come to expect. i know all too well i had lived like this for over thirty years, but i guess i just hope you would and could just take at least just a little of what i have tried to share with you and run with it. hell start even with baby steps with it, but just try moving forward it is totally possible i would of never of believed it myself except for that it has finally happened for me. i mean things really have improved and there is so much to dream about and look forward to doing in this life.

    let me ask you this. i know for myself that when i go i want people to know there is always hope no matter how little or how much. and that no matter what anyone thinks i know for a fact things can and will get better. there is so much to be enjoyed. this is just part of the legacy i wish to leave behind. i don't want to leave people with negative feelings and thoughts because personally i know just how wretched it is to have to live with it. what might your legacy be? i mean genuinely be way down deep in your deepest of hearts. you can pm the answer if you'd like i would understand. i told myself for years that i wanted it to be one thing, but when i became truely honest with myself and true to myself i knew i wanted much better than i cared to admit. i really did but i couldn't even begin to imagine how to make that happen so it probably isn't going to happen. that's how i came to think of it all. the truth is with some work, fresh ideas, some humility, and frankly just being sincerely honest with ones self you can leave the legacy you can become everything you want to be or had dreamt of becoming. i wouldn't lie to you about this. i don't play those games.

    do you have a therapist or anything like this? just curious... dr's i don't find are as helpful only with meds....btw are you on any meds for the bi polar cause heaven knows there are like a gazillion of them out there to try. i know i did quite a few of them myself. i too was actually diagnosed bi polar for over ten years of my treatment until someone else came to another conclusion on their own. i want to help you the best i can. i also strongly want you to eventually if not right away see if even just a glimmer but see none the less that there can be so many good things that can and will happen in life.

    most of it takes our learning to find news ways of adjusting to all of this crap. and it is crap. it's not fair that not everyone should have to deal with this crap, but not all do those are the facts. it's the hand we have been dealt and i happen to believe very strongly it's our responsibility and priveledge to make the very best out of this hand we've been dealt. just a question for your thought only....would you genuinely care to see everyone or anyone else suffer with this the way you have had too? wouldn't you maybe like to try to encourage someone else to try and help them overcome their obstacles? i know i am a crazy woman maybe i am, but i've learned a lot over my 35 of this shit and i just want to pass along some of the hope i genuinely couldn't see because personally i had never known anyone to come out the other side. that would probably of encouraged me greatly to think you know it just might be possible. i believe there is good in life for everyone and anyone to be had. everyone including yourself deserves it just got to learn how to get there.

    ok again i will shut up i'm just a chatty cathy (or liz) today sorry about this. but i do also happen to feel very very passionate about all this, and really want to help see you through all this. i believe you have so much to offer this world and the world will be and is immensely better with you in it. take care
  7. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    How old are you if you don't mind me asking?

    Also, isn't something better than nothing? I mean when you're dead all is gone forever. You won't even know you're dead because you won't exist anymore.

    Whereas now, you've got challenges and probably at least some good things in your life (you mentioned you have children?) PLUS you have hope of better times. :yes: Seems like a better deal than death, if you ask me.....
  8. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    I'm 36 and the hope is gone. My children don't even want to be around me any more.
  9. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Thirty six?! Man, you have a whole life ahead of you. Why throw it away? There is ALWAYS hope. It's just that sometimes it seems there isn't... Especially when one is down in the dumps.
  10. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

  11. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

  12. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    I'm off to have dinner (time for pasta!!!!!! :)) but I'll be back later today, ok?
  13. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I've been observing your thread, and I agree with everything that has been said. It's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially when you start out at the same point all the time.

    Please stay strong.
  14. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    Sapphire, Aside from electroshock I've tried all of that list. The only one that at least kept me level is illegal where I am at least so it's not an option.

    36 might seem young but when all you have is physical and mental pain it feels like i'm 100+
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 27, 2010
  15. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i just want to make another opportunity to share some more with you here. it's about me personally and very little of what i have been through but i tell you this stuff so that you can see for yourself that i too have been down the rejection road. i'm going to share with you about the absolute best friend i ever have had in my entire life. he really was my angel growing up. well, we went our seperate ways and just a couple of months ago now i decided to try and get a hold of him just to see how he was just these days. i can't even tell you how many friends i have gone through. to be honest yes some of them hurt a lot more than others some not so much. hell it was just two months ago i got a hold of my best friend i had growing up. he really was a most true friend when i was growing up. heck even when i would get grounded which was just about and practically all the dang time he would sit outside my bedroom window (i was on the 2nd floor) and he would sit and talk with me just about anything and everything my little heart wanted to and that sort of stuff. he risked big trouble i risked big trouble with my mom even doing this. him and i had been through a lot of crap together. he means the world to me still does. we also shared my losing my sister when i was 13 together. he was the only one there for me in a complete room of full packed full of people. as well as i was the only one really there for him when both of his parents passed when he was still in highschool and just after he had gotten out. when i got a hold of him i asked him if he wanted to come have dinner and we could just spend some time and catch up with each other it seriously was intended on being nothing more than this. nothing at all romantic by any means not that he's not a good guy...he's just more like a bro really. i have honestly never even considered him anything or hoped for anything more than just him being my friend ever. anyhow, we had made plans for him to come up to my house like that following tues.. guess what he never showed and he never called. i have never been able to speak with him since despite some repeated tries to get a hold of him to talk. i swear i hadn't had my gutt and heart ripped out like this i think ever really not by this close of a friend anyways. he really has just meant so so much to me. he was so instumental in my even surviving my teen years. still not sure how i did, but i did and he helped.

    i also know the art of being rejected way and far too well. hell, i was rejected and abandoned at my very own birth for cryin out loud. i know rejection to it's deepest and most truest form. not saying you don't i'm just speaking for myself here.

    i say this to ya, because i know what rejection is i can totally and completely relate to you. btw i was also married for ten long years. it's now been over for like seven or eight but i've been down this road as well. it all can be gotten through i guess is my point. i have learned that people come and people are going to go in our lives. some by choice and others not so, and we are all going to have our differences to one degree or another. some of them will better be able to handle some of the tougher issues i deal with and others not so much so. there is something to be learned in a good sense by all of it. there just is. i have just recently come to learn and then accept in this order, that not all the friends i have had have my best interest at heart in fact i had to come to accept that no one honestly had my best interest at heart they were all just using me for my kindness and resourcefulness. that is a whole other story in and of itself. suffice it to say i faced up to 60yrs in prison one time and up to $600,000 in fines because of someone abusing my kindness. i have been played far more than any one person should have to endure, but i keep going for it cause i like to try and help. i can live with it though. i will have too. rejection is not the end of life. in fact it can and usually although not always honestly, opens good new doors in our lives that can help us continue to learn and grow and become the best we can be. we can't let our situations defeat us cause then the bad guy wins. now me personally i have no desire and actually never have had the desire to give them this satisfaction. i can't and won't let them win in the end. is it not enough they took what they did from me when they did do i seriously want them to have the rest of me too? hell no they don't deserve it and will never deserve even if i were offered to trade all the money in the world for my life and self respect. screw them they can't have i won't let them. and us as victims really shouldn't be allowing them to win. it's just wrong. there is no honor nor justice in this. none at all to speak of.

    i have to say this no matter how much you don't want to hear it. don't even think for one microscopic moment in time that you are not at all valued by your children. facts are facts they are definately yours. things maybe haven't gone as smooth as you first had dreamed they would. actually that seldom happens to the tee anyways. your children no matter what age they are need you in their lives. even if they can't or chose not to have much to do with you atm i guarentee you this will not always be the case. of course it is terribly important that you always continue to reach out to them no matter how you feel about anything. they don't deserve to pay the price for your feelings. they have not asked for any of it. oh i've most definately been down this road as well trying to minimize in my own thoughts my doing this is in their best interest or for their own good or they don't need a loser like me. i've said it all to myself trying to sell myself on it and make everything ok for myself to do what i really wanted to do. i don't what a person wants to think or tries to think types of things a parent can never ever be replaced and when a child loses their parent to suicide the grief never will end for them. sure they eventually can learn to deal with it better maybe not all can, but reality is it will never leave them and they will never find a reason in their heart to make what you have done ok. i have known too many children of all ages lose a parent to suicide and i have just never witnessed it happening their recovery that is. i'm not saying it couldn't happen because personally i believe anything is possible, but i must add i will say that it is strongly improbable that they will recover. so don't try to kid yourself they need you at all points in their little lives. no matter how much they don't think they do either they always will need you. maybe you don't have much to do with them atm you can change this. it's important that you really work on this. it's important for everyone including the kids and especially yourself. it will be a small step at gaining back some self respect.

    ok i'm blabbin again. i just so passionately want you to see and at least attempt to acknowledge that there can and would be definately better things in your future for you. i'm 40 now so i'm close to your age. i was just in the hospital for my depression in jan and feb both. things have turned around a complete 180. i seriously never believed that the day would come. i can't tell you how strong this belief was, but it's all changed now and all for the better so it really does happen. i wish you would just trust me on this one. i know you don't know me for shit, but i won't lie to ya i just won't play that game.

    take care please and thanks for listening to my ramblings they really all do come from the heart.
    ok i've gabbed long enough again. i will shut up yet again. just please continue to take care.
  16. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i'm gonna try to make this one shorter really lol. i have done ECT. i actually did it for over a year which is longer than norm for most people. i began it on an inpatient basis and continued on the out, and not many at all provide this service it very well may take research to know where to find it. and i have to say this about it. it helped more than anything else ever had at least up until things had turned around for me. part of this was my changing btw. i found ECT to be incredibly helpful i went from my average five hospital visits a year down to having been in only once in seventeen months it was i believe. i will say this it does most certainly reek havoc on the old memory though. this can and usually will improve once treatment has stopped, but sometimes it takes a while for this. i'm still recovering and my treatments ended last july.

    overall, i felt that i had exhausted all my other options i had tried every med out there. i have done virtually every type of therapy known to man. i didn't have anywhere else to turn. i had no other options and deep inside despite my trying to lie to myself i really knew i needed to find a way to live if it was even possible. they introduced ECT and i jumped on it. one really cool advantage to it is that you can watch any movie ok most movies you have already seen all over again for the first time. it's quite a thrill actually. i cannot discourage anyone from trying this option. if you want to know all about it you know like what the procedure is and just what they do in all i will be glad to share that with you when you would like to know of course.

    take care...please don't limit what's avaliable to you it's there for a reason. it's meant for you use it :)
  17. reptor

    reptor Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing rhinolady. It was tough to keep focus while reading. That's one of the downsides to my imbalance. I lose focus very quickly some days.

    I wish I could say to any and all of you that the words are helping or have meaning, but, unfortunately I'm cold and numb and dead to the world at this point.

    I wanted to say goodbye to people who can relate and understand and wouldn't judge me on my choices and decisions.

    So far that has been what I get from everyone here and I appreciate that as well.

    Couple of hours until people start showing up then I can finally be on my way once they go.
  18. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    What illegal thing are you referring to?

    Also, have you ever tried meditation?
  19. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    lol Never mind, ok? Like you're going to say on an internet forum, right? I'm sorry, I could have thought a bit more before asking.

    Anyway, how about meditation?
  20. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    sometimes life does require of us to act not based on how we are feeling but to act on that which we know we can and maybe should do. i would encourage you even if you don't feel like walking the walk atm to do it anyways. just take the steps and i assure the feelings and meaning to it will come later. it always does. it's just taking a step of faith and just trying to do it. hell what have you got to lose to at least just trying what i suggest or others suggest here. we want to help you get through this and we know you can and will. we're willing to help you through it too. every step of the way to if need be. let us help? please? allow us the opportunity and the priveledge to try to help here. i really don't think it's too much to ask is it? i mean seriously you have your "plan" to fall back on if you really must, although none of us want this for you at all!!!!~!~!

    please just work with us just a little just try some of things that we are suggesting. i happen to believe that between all of us we've got the knowledge to help you get through this. we've all been there and more than once i assure you. please take care

    ps.. i know i can't change your mind. i can't make up your mind for you no matter how much i would like to in this particular situation, and i really do accept this. i cannot say that i would be crazy or proud of your choice though. i will be honest about it. i just hope you'll give things another chance your kids need you too. like it or not. this is totally reality online coming to ya live. lol just thought i would throw that in there

    please again take care and God bless you
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