Last Ditch Effort

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Leigh1, Apr 23, 2015.

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  1. Leigh1

    Leigh1 New Member

    Ok. Honestly, I'm not really in this to convince myself anymore. I have several straightforward reasons I don't want to live that I can list without getting emotional. (I mean, some are probably semi-emotional, but if you don't enjoy the video game, you eventually stop playing, right?) Some one just asked me to do this and I thought "why not?" Here's the bullet points:
    -I spend my free time trying to forget how unhappy I am (i.e. excessive amounts of content watching a T.V. show while watching a youtube video and eating and reading) If my mind is occupied, life is a little more bearable and I can ignore the dreadful buzz of failure, boredom and emptiness.
    -I cannot ignore this dreadful buzz at work. Having graduated with a worthless degree from a poor school, all my job options are menial labor. This tends to force me in situations where I have to be just alert enough to be unable to escape in any sort of reverie, but neither challenging nor interesting to engage me to the point of being distracted from how sad I am. I used to have a job where I didn't have to focus too much and I could imagine/think about different things, but even then I was unhappy and I messed that up and now I'm in an even worse spot job-wise. So, in terms of finding a better job, finding something where I would be unhappy would be a step up. All the same, I still wouldn't want to be alive.
    -I hate the city I'm living in and it's going to be hard to get out. Even if I do, I'm not sure I'll be able to accomplish anything that will make my life any different. My boyfriend says I'll be miserable no matter where I go and he's probably right.
    -The things I have to look forward to (eating, sleeping and not being at work) are not enough to make work worth it. -Maybe I set expectations for myself a little too high early on. It's what helped me get through a tougher than average past. There's nothing to be done about that now. The past is the past. The problem is that it is going to be extremely hard to live up to anything I'd hoped for because:
    -There is no indication that I am exceptional in any way. Yes, I know. Every one wants to be a special little snowflake and it's not lost on me that very few people do. My expectations were probably set a little high because I was labeled "gifted" in my school years (what kid wasn't?) and I was led to believe that my writing was extraordinary in college. I'm pretty dubious now because all of these "attributes" seem pretty common and start to lose their sheen when college is immediately followed by working in a low end grocery store. Plus, I haven't received any recent validation, so I'm not entirely sure why this need persists. Probably because:
    -I don't enjoy things that people learn to get by on. I can't really go to the bar or hang out at parties because the conversation isn't compelling and in a lot of ways it's just as bad as work except I'm not getting paid. I don't want a family nor do I want a house with a bunch of junk to put into it. I'm not religious and I could never be the sort of person that is. The things that get other people through the things they need to do just don't work for me.
    -When I've tried to change my mind and be more positive in the past, I've only exhausted myself. You know when you're really sad and trying to eat food and it just tastes like sand in your mouth and swallowing it really hurts? That's what doing anything while trying to stay positive felt like and in the end, anything I accomplished was ignored.
    So, that's basically it. I wanted to commit suicide three years ago, but I didn't on the hope that things would get better. I graduated from school and lost my job and things got worse. My boyfriend says that I should do volunteer work because if I'm going to have an unhappy life, I may as well make some one else's happier; I'm not sure I follow the logic. I'm going to live an unhappy life, ending it so I stop wasting natural resources seems like a more generous option than reading to a bunch of kids in a hospital. He and a couple of other people think I should also go see a therapist, but I'm fairly certain that won't help because I still wouldn't have any legitimate validation for what I'm capable of and I still wouldn't have anything all that exciting to look forward to. I suppose you could argue a therapist could change my mind and try to make me okay with accomplishing nothing beyond eating and sleeping and paying for it all with a job I don't want. I don't know. Somehow, I don't think there's any therapist that could make me really truly go along with that. I know I'd probably hurt a lot of friends and family by doing this, but the more apparent my distress gets, the more everyone worries. It strikes me as a lot more practical to just end it and keep the stress and sadness to a minimum. I've probably missed a couple of points, but it doesn't really matter; this is probably one of the last half baked attempts I'll make at reaching out for help.
     
  2. Greypain

    Greypain Member

    If you have the opportunity to see a Therapist, you should do it.
    I don't have this option anymore, but when I did it...I don't know if it helped my life...but it somehow kept me on the planet.

    I'm not sure why I don't go through with leaving myself.
    Something somewhere inside must still believe that something different and interesting could possibly happen.
    Days like today, that sounds really stupid even to me...but...*sigh*

    I just started coming here and noticed no one had replied to you, so I did.
     
  3. ausy94

    ausy94 New Member

    Though this may so stupid but I did find volunteering with younger people and children to be helpful. At first I did it mainly for the "well
    If I'm unhappy might as well make others happy" reason. Then i relized that no matter who didn't appreciate my thoughts, time and knowledge. The children did. They were the first people to look at me like I mattered. The first people to treat me like a person and not just someone else in this world. The first group of people to talk to me in a non belittling way and actually ask me how my day was going. It was great watching others take the things I had learned and taught them and succeed in their sports. To have them someone thank me for the success. This small amount of appreciation of my existence saved my life, gave me a reason to live.
     
  4. Corey1221

    Corey1221 Active Member

    I understand where you're coming from. Your job is boring from what you tell but it's great to have one right now. If you're in the city there is likely little need to travel far. Cities have plenty of things to get your mind off your issues even for the occasional hour here or there.You're in a serious relationship, that's good. You do not know me but please, if the relationship is good do not neglect it. Looking back ion time wasted being upset or depressed is going to hurt much more if they're ever gone. I wish I could relive every moment i was bummed out in mine because not I realise it was for nothing.
     
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