last effort

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Ferodaktyl, Dec 15, 2010.

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  1. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    ok, i'm slowly loosing the battle. i've been here on forum for a few days, reading the posts, trying to find an answer. A different answer.So i've just made an appointment for tomorrow to see a psychiatrist, but i'm very skeptic about the result. i do this not for me, but for my relatives.
    All my motivations are gone. I plan to follow after them, if i find the energy to do even that.
    just wanted to thank you all for putting some new perspective on my situation. still, i feel that the answer must come from within, and all i see inside is emptiness and fear and regrets. And a last open door.
     
  2. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Okay, that's the illness that you're seeing inside. You have to now look at ways to combat it. Going to see a psychiatrist is a good first step but you need to be prepared for the meeting.
    I don't suppose you've been keeping a mood diary have you? It's where you write down your mood every day and is a very useful tool in helping to diagnose mental illness.
    Other than that you have to look at your life history. Have you ever had any periods of depression?
    What has made you feel the way that you do at the moment? Has there been any changes in your life? Are you carrying too much responsibility?
    I believe that answers come from within too but only when we're in control of the illness, not when the illness is in control of us.
    x
     
  3. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    I've been looking for a cause good enough to make life meaningful from as long as i can remember. Even when not depressed, all i could come with was not sufficient, something was missing. So i've tried to fill the emptiness with anything handy. Mostly by retreating in a world of my own, sometimes using drugs or alcohol, or by pushing myself into work projects, some successful, some not.
    I know depression, i've lived with it major periods of my life. Now is compounded by serious health problems, in addition to financial ones.
    Responsibility? Never been responsible for much, my life included. Never found anything to be responsible for, and this is part of the problem.
    What triggered the last period of depression, worse i've been through, since i contemplate suicide like never before, is that beside lacking the reasons, now i find the means severely restricted. Instead of fighting to find meaning, i fight to merely exist, and i find it degrading and painful.
    In this light, my visit to psychiatrist is more a gesture of good will, in case worse come to worst, something like "see, i tried, but it didn't work" .
     
  4. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    hey Ferodactyl
    I feel for you, am somewhat in a similar situation except its been going on for quite a while.
    For me the answers are here but I dont like them, lol. However with this also came answers that other people would not like, guess its called reality. And you defenetly reach it when you realize the bs flying around is no use to you.

    Sometimes it says "support" but its just social enslaving that in the long run drains you more, but feels safe you are on the "right track". I rather take a walk in a remote location and ask the sky the question rather than get more brain fuzz from a psich or my respectably demented family. He'll just say you are distimic and put you on meds at best.
    I also feel my purpose is hindered by my own persona but well id do anything to change it. Same....... new health issues and economy.......am a bit positive that if I could have a batter life my health would be batter too, am actually surprised it took so long to develop since ive been living hell for the last 10 years. Id say try to truly relax and give yourself time and attention to heal. Egocentrism is very healing.

    Here if you want to chat.....
     
  5. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You are a cause good enough to make life meaningful. You might not be able to see that but that's because you're allowing the illness to control your thoughts and emotions. You need to work on your self esteem and the best way to do that is to work out why you don't have any in the first place.
    Who taught you that you were meaningless?

    Thats called distraction therapy and whilst it can be useful in some situations, you can't use it to run away from the underlying issues. No matter how much you distract yourself, they'll always be there. You have to deal with them. You have to learn as much about your own condition as you can and use it to fight the illness. Knowledge is power.

    Okay, if you have a history of depression then you aren't just suffering from reactive depression. (Although the problems compounding your current depression may feel like it is a reactive thing) You need to make it clear to the psychiatrist that this has been going on all your life and you've had major periods of depression. You then have more chance of them coming up with the right diagnosis and more chance of getting the right treatment.


    Who would you like to be responsible for?

    That sounds like one of the reasons the other periods of depression weren't so bad is because you felt you could 'check out' at any time and this was a comfort to you. This is very common amongst people with mental health issues. Part of your 'comfort blanket' has been taken away and you're panicking over it.
    Again, this is the illness talking and you can't allow it to take over.
    Your life does have meaning. You touch other peoples lives without even being aware of it.
    For example, there will be people reading your words on this thread who will find that something 'strikes a chord' - they'll realise that they are not the only one who feels the way you do and that will help give them some support.
    The more you talk openly here, the more help you will be giving to other people.

    I think everyone goes to the psychiatrist thinking 'this won't work'. The illness we all suffer from doesn't allow for positivity when we face things. The fact that you are prepared to go though is really good.
    You need to get the best you can out of your time with the psych. Meds will make a huge difference, once you find the right combo.
    Try to remember that what you're striving for is a better quality of life. You're not looking for eternal happiness because that's never going to happen but it is possible to get a better quality of life. Once you're in a better frame of mind, it will be easier to deal with all of your other problems. You have to be prepared to work at getting better and its hard. The result is worth it though
    PM me if you want to talk
    xxxx
     
  6. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    well, it is true i have issues i ran from all my life. even admitting this is painful. after a life long habit of giving up or turning away instead of facing the problems, it's logical that now i'm tempted to take the easy way out. lucky for me, the survival instinct is still here, trying feebly to oppose my self-destruct wish.
    right now i am scared shitless of the magnitude of my problems, and very reluctant to take steps not only to start solving them, but to at least acknowledge them for what they really are.
    this means scraping to nil my self-made image of myself and start rebuilding from scraps, only with much lesser materials. it's like dying , only harder.
    things will go worse for sure, no matter what my choice is. By choosing life i must accept this, in hope they will be better sometime.
    i''l give a try at opening up a little more, even if i feel myself driving circles around my problems, like i do now.
    I am really curious what i'll tell the psych, and what the result will be. I'll let you know in a few hours, and thanks for giving me a chance for at least trying.
     
  7. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    hey, there is such a thing as takeing it a day at a time

    I think you defenetly need to learn to communicate about your issues, it helps putting them in perspective and the real, practical light.
    What are the serious issues you talk about? I know its not something you really want to talk about but I think you need to let yourself be.

    Interesting you say you feel like you draw circles around your problems when you express very little of them in reality. You more like give yourself labels. I think its just thet you are incriminating yourself in your head alot for every little you say, as you already branded yourself you "run from reality", but thet is very broad and does not say much about you or help you.
    Just be! lol guess you cant move further if you cant let yourself be.
    I have that too, like i realize me wants to die and that i dont think its good to be me, bit if I talk about it and live it it goes away and makes me realize how very unstable "me" is.

    I guess a lot of people share the "im not impressed with reality i want more" thing, am still to find a good cure ...other than accept it as a part of you that is an energy force and will always consume you so might as well put it to best use you can. And I concur to that you are a good enough cause to make life meaningful.
     
  8. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    it is hard as hell to admit that my life is pretty much fucked up due to my own decisions.
    esp. when i lived with the idea that i was assuming the consequences of those decisions, knowing they are not right.
    i decided a long time ago that assuming a "devil may care" attitude is the best way to cope with life's pains and disappointments. Part motivated by being a diabetic since age 7 and being fed up with all the restrictions imposed by the disease, part of living a life modeled by books and a nihilistic philosophy, part of avoiding the most problems life presented me and building mental walls and a public image of me showing a person who i was not. the worst part is that inside that persona was a caring individual, at war with the brutality and indifference of society , afraid to show feelings for beeing mocked or hurt. Mostly incapable of hurting the others, and never an adept of violence, i've retreated inside more and more, cutting the ways to the reality and prefering to believe that i am right and the world is wrong. All i managed to do is ruin my health, both physical and mental, my economic situation and my self-respect. Not because i was necessarily wrong in my beliefs, but because i choose invariably to give up instead of fighting, to close my eyes and take refuge in drugs or alcohol and choosing to belief that nothing is good enough for me, that nothing is worth fighting for.
    Keeping up with this belief for long enough makes it difficult to choose another approach to life now. It seems much easier to give up and just die, instead of finding new causes to eventually give up, or trying to repair what's left of my life.
    This is a harsh judgement of my life, leaving outside some aspects , but true as i see it now.
    Basically, what i say is that i decided that life is not worth living in any conditions, i didn't do much to improve or maintain the conditions i find acceptable, and now i find myself in a corner : do i live up to my standards , and die, or do i continue living a life i see as pitiful and not worth it, loosing the last shred of respect i have about myself?
     
  9. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    dunde you never say what exactly looks so unmendable but if you used to think youll be 20 forever it might be true

    I also think i ruined the same stuff , no drugs though just clean work overtime
    though i think i could live with it if i had a normal social bg

    I feel the same on the pitiful life :(
     
  10. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    there are no answers. no matter how deep we explore ourselves or our surroundings, no matter how much help we give or receive, there is nothing of importance when we reach the end of our curiosity. i am geting tired of questioning myself, of trying to find a core, or a reason. I am what i am. Why? Because. It's reason enough for my decision. And by being here will only make it harder.
     
  11. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    There's been 3 days since on pills. Only changed my mood from self-pity and anxiety to my old cynical suicidal state. Instead of beeing afraid i'll terminate myself, , now i'm looking for triggers. this damned pride will be my undoing. i'm not used to complaining, only with keeping up the apparences. even when it kills me.
     
  12. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Complain all you like, it will help get it out of your system.
    Stop setting such high standards for yourself, you're expecting far too much. The world is what it is and we have to get on with it.
    You're clearly an intelligent person and you've done some pretty deep introspection. That's commendable but limited in it's helpfulness. The problem is that you've gone too far into it.
    You need to balance all of that out with other stuff. Stuff which isn't negative in anyway.
    What do you do for fun? What sort of books do you read? What sort of TV do you watch?
    xxxx
     
  13. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    this situation i find myself in is the result of a lifetime spent refusing to bend my beliefs against what the world has to offer. It is true, the world is what it is , but the choice to accept it is ours.
    And i am not prepared to take it as it is. I am tired of compromise, and i have not much left to compromise with. Even my death seems an empty gesture, compared with the futility of my life.
    Rationally, i understand what is going on with me. I am self-destructing, because i am unable and unwilling to lower my standards. Actually i'm trying to circumvent my survival instinct , and i'm quite successful. Too successful. I've put myself knowingly in this corner, and i've almost reached the point of no return, if not already passed it.

    it is so tempting, this last illusion of freedom... one final gesture of defiance, even if empty of meaning
    i feel so worn out, so ... dull. So useless.
    I want out. I want out my own way.
     
  14. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    i wish i could find in me the power to try once more. i know my present train of thoughts is leading to nothing good, still i feel like i gave up so much that there nothing left for a new try. i'm trying hard to convince myself that nothing is worth it anymore, and yet ...
    there are still things i can loose. by clinging to them i will loose them for sure.
    i must let go of my old ways. maybe it's not too late. only it's scary. terrifying.
    if i accept i am not what i thought i am, where will i be? and what? how can i change?
    i find life boring and painful most of the times. future looks bleak. the end result is the same. How many times to start again?
     
  15. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    You're probably not who you thought you were but you are who you are. That's a good thing.
    We change over the course of our lives and for the whole of our lives from what I can see. We're influenced along the way by other people/world events/own experiences. We don't usually realise we've changed until something hits us in the face and makes us recognise it.
    Your principles are clearly important to you and that's another good thing. You say that you've spent your life refusing to compromise but I don't understand what you mean.
    I consider myself to be a highly principled person but I try to balance that with not being a judgemental person. I would never compromise my basic principles though. I have a strong sense of right and wrong and a keen determination to fight injustice. I don't compromise those principles even if it could possibly cost me my job. I've been tested at work on more than one occassion with this.
    So what won't you compromise? What are your beliefs?
     
  16. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    i really don't have an answer to this questions.
    i've spent so much time in hospitals, seeing sick people, that i decided i'd better die than become like them. i look around me, and see so many people cheating, lying, trying desperately to climb one more step on a social ladder that offers nothing of what i think of as value, and i decided i'd better die than become one of them.
    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and so value is what we perceive as valuable. I do not judge them. Only i can not be like them. And if one is not like them, they think that one is against them, and react accordingly.
    I've managed until now to go along by pretending i don't care, by living mostly in a world of my own. i can't keep up the pretense anymore.
    I am alone. I am sick. I am broke. I am disillusioned. I do not fit. All conditions are met, except for the hurt i'll inflict on my family. Am i selfish? Maybe. Sometimes we all are.
     
  17. Ferodaktyl

    Ferodaktyl Active Member

    i'm confused. I don't know anylonger what i want. Everything i can think of has two sides, equally balanced. It's like playing chess with myself. I have what i think of as valid reasons to want to die. And just as many not to. It's maddening. Who, or what am i? I feel i must make a choice, and soon. I've contemplated the possibilities and consequences for so long that they seem senseless.
    Life, and death. Neither right, neither wrong. Two sides of a coin of unknown value. Maybe it's not for me to decide. And so i decided : on NYE i'll toss a coin.
    i already feel better.
     
  18. sunshinesblack

    sunshinesblack Well-Known Member

    XD

    good luck

    I think youd be batter off finding a hobby to consume u or anything that does not live you alone in your head :D
    sounds like a bad neighborhood
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 24, 2010
  19. CatherineC

    CatherineC Staff Alumni

    Isn't that why Dorothy Parker said 'You might as well live' ?
    You're thinking too deep. Its really easy to lose yourself in that kind of philosophical detail and end up really depressed. Everything seems meaningless and pointless.
    You need to do some 'light' things to counteract it all.
    What do you do for fun?
     
  20. Euphoria

    Euphoria Member

    Edited by Mod; Unsupporting
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 25, 2010
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