Last Friday.

Discussion in 'After Effects' started by Jimbojak, Aug 15, 2012.

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  1. Jimbojak

    Jimbojak Member

    I tried for the first time in five years last Friday night, Since I can't go into details here I'll just say that work on Saturday and Sunday was almost unbearable. I was in such a poor mood that everyone spent the entire weekend asking what was wrong, which only made me feel worse because I couldn't get the words out. I wanted to tell someone what had happened, but I knew what would happen if I did.

    It's like we get punished for being the way we are. You're born with a malfunctioning brain, which makes it impossible to be a normal person and the only response people can come up with is to lock you in a grimy cell! What is wrong with the world when people with genuine mental problems are treated worse than common criminals.

    There are two people at work who I wanted to tell, but I work for a mega-corporate restaurant and knew what the result would be: call the hospital and have me quietly taken away. Then, even if you still have a job ( and trust me, everyone is expendable ) there is the inevitable shame associated with the event. Honestly, it seems like the cure is worse than the illness.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi Jim...I am so sorry you are feeling this you can 'talk'...I am sure many people will relate to what you are saying...please let us know what is going on and what we can do to support you through this difficult time
  3. cds

    cds Member

    Hi Jim -
    I understand. I am a lawyer who has been depressed for many years, but I always managed to keep up appearances so no one in my profession ever knew about it.

    Last year I was so depressed that my suicidal intentions were evident at work even though I did not discuss it with anyone. My boss found out and drove me to the hospital where I stayed for ten days. Everyone at my job found out what happened. Lawyers at other law firms with whom I have worked with for many years without revealing my illness for obvious reasons, contacted me to ask if I had attempted suicide. I feel like I have had to climb an enormous mountain just to regain some measure of respect. And still, I feel like people have gotten the idea that I am unreliable and crazy despite the fact that I've always been successful and never miss work.

    I still feel very depressed and often consider ending my life, but now I would be sure to keep it absolutely secret. I do not tell my psychiatrist anything about my thoughts and I no longer see a therapist because I do not want to discuss it. I do not tell my family anything about it either. My whole life is a pretense. Ironically, getting "help" for a first attempt is a disincentive to ever ask for or tolerate "help" again for fear of the nature of the "help" and the consequences of receiving it. I feel very lonely and isolated with the weight of my thoughts. I think your post indicates that you also feel this way. I'm sorry for you and I understand.
  4. too much pain

    too much pain New Member

    Hi, I am a lawyer too. I have had so many clients not pay me after their work is done. After all, all lawyers are rich. Right. I'm over $100,000.00 in debt from having to borrow money to pay my bills because my clients stiff me.
    I have been married for almost 5 years. The five year anniversary is in September. Last week my husband gave me an early anniversary present. A beautiful statue of hummingbirds. A month ago he gave me a tandem bike for my birthday so we can ride together. Three weeks ago he signed us up for a cruise. Every day he tells me he loves me.
    This morning he told me he loves me, we went to work on a rental house that he owns, then we went to have one drink with friends and then we went to the grocery store and when we got home he told me he wants a divorce. He said he is not happy and has been feeling this way for awhile. WHAT!!!!! Did I miss something somewhere? Apparently. I have no money. I'm 61 years old. I can't afford to rent a place. Can't afford to buy health insurance.
    Most of my legal career has been getting stiffed by clients, or my providing super low prices to help low income people who need legal assistance, and I have done lots of free legal work. And now it all comes back to bite me in the ass. I can't afford to live.
  5. Jimbojak

    Jimbojak Member

    I actually talked to my boss about it a weeks days ago. Sorry it took so long for me to reply, I was in a really bad place. Suprisingly, She didn't call the doctors or my family. Apparently she has similar episodes. I'm still scared she's going to do something, and I'm pretty sure I should have kept my mouth shut, but it felt good to talk.
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