Last grasp before putting the plan into motion

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by zengaya, Sep 18, 2009.

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  1. zengaya

    zengaya New Member

    Well, here's my situation. I have been treated for depression since I was 13 (I am now 37). I have been on just about every medication available over the years. Nothing seems to work. I have been trying therapy, but all it seems to do is bring everything to front of my mind. I have been fighting suicidal thoughts for over 20 years, and I am thinking it is time to stop fighting. My dad just recently celebrated his 63rd birthday, and I realized that I don't want to live another 30 years like this. I just recently separated from my wife, because she couldn't handle how "down" I was anymore. I have been going back and forth with how to do it, and have decided on shooting. I bought a gun last week, I have also bought plastic sheeting to spread out to help with the clean-up. I live in an apt. now, so I was initially worried about the bullet making it's way through the wall, so I bought some frangible ammo. I was typing my letters, and, obviously since I'm here posting this, have slightly wavered. I honestly don't think I will make it this time, but I felt like I needed to say all this in some fashion. I work for a law enforcement agency (not in enforcement, but as support staff) so I am worried that if I do any type of in-patient treatment it will jeopardize my job. That is why I haven't said anything to my doc. What would be the point of going on if I have to deal with that situation?

    Thanks for letting me get this out there.
  2. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Hey man,

    20 years with depression is a long time. Tells us alittle more about yourself, your past and your background. Tells us what hurts you and what you'd like to improve in your life, tell us what would take you to forget about suicide and move on with your life. Your post is centered on the details of your suicide plan, and that's the last thing I want to know about you. I want to help you while you're here, so help me to help you. Either here or though PMing, it's your choice. Be strong my friend :hugtackles:
  3. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I think the answer lies in what you wrote, at least the beginning of getting better, you don't see how you can live any more but you are worried about risking your job?

    The problem with depression is that there doesn't have to be a tangible cause to create a great deal of suffering and as you have found out something that others have no concept of, suffering, whether it is mental or physical is still suffering.

    There's lots we can do to aid the process but it's such a insiduos illness that not one approach or outlook to life will alter your actual suffering.

    There is a lot of information on depression on the web, am sure you've had many a bout of insomnia where you've read up and maybe done a little self diagnosis like we all seem to gravitate towards doing and although arming yourself with information to battle this disease is important it's also just as important to understand that every time you look up methods on the net you are perpetuating the concept of continued suffering.

    As Nietzsche once said, suicidal thoughts comforted him at times.
  4. zengaya

    zengaya New Member

    Thanks for the replies...When it comes to being worried about my job, it is kind of a worry that if I do what I really know what I need to do to get better now, it will make things worse in the long run. I know it sounds contradictory, but that is part of my struggle.

    As for my past, depression has been in the family for years. 3 family members (mother, grandmother, grandfather) have commited suicide. I spent my childhood being blamed by my mom for her problems. Physical and mental abuse was common. She tried to apologise not long before she killed herself, but I wouldn't listen. So, naturally, I blame myself for her death. I have had a sense of worthlessness for as long as I can remember. I have had brief moments of what I would consider happiness, but it never lasts for long. I just don't believe that I have anything to offer this world or vice versa.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 18, 2009
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hard to treat depression has new hope now new meds coming out all the time to help treat such depression. Valdoxan is so new not in US or Canada yet and it treats depression differently less side effects no weight gain only take l tab at night time. Great reviews about this med Toronto research looked into it as well treats the brain chemicals differently.. New hope always so please hang in okay. AsK GP about newer meds to treat hard to treat depression..
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