last hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by quietOne, Feb 9, 2013.

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  1. quietOne

    quietOne New Member

    First please don't cratasize my spelling I know my spelling and grammar is bad and I'm typing this in the dark on my cell. Hi everyone I made this account in hope of .... I don't know maybe for confort or hope. Anyway almost all my life I had a battle with depression my mom and dad never got along my dad was a asshole who spent all day smoking weed and drinking and always forgot about me rather it was picking me up from school,leaving me at the bar or the park he always said it was accident. The last time I say him was when I was six. My mom and I where close she came to all my appointment s and tried to be here o me, she had 2 jobs and was going to school. Later she found out I had ADHD,depression and something called pdd (still don't know what that is) .since 3rd grade I always wanted to kill myself she for scared if this and I started going to see someone. I been on zoloft, something else to to can't remember the name started with a P,redilen, aderail, and other medication to try to help. I was always trying to figure out why my dad never wanted me the last I remember him saying was "pack your s**t and get the hell out" also during a storm he locked me on a porch because I would not stop crying I was scared of the storm to this day I'm scared of storms I will walk to cub or target to not be alone during one (pathetic ain't I) I also asked why he never loved me and often thought because I'm stupid or I'm worthless or did he ever love me? He also chose his girlfriend over me. I always called her monkey girl she looked like one to me she always passed ofrom being drunk. (Sorry off track back now). My mom started dating this guy named Kevin out of all of her boyfriends he stood out to me to this day I still remember him and still think of him ( I wish I knew his last name ) maybe to see how he was doing I remember naming my hamster after him as a kid. She her last guy she dated was the same name as my dad they did get engaged but never got married not because she left him but my mom died on December 20th 2006 from breast cancer she had it twice I was 13. But anyway ( are you still reading this? If So stop and get yourself a cookie you deserve one from reading So far). OK he he was a ass still to this day is one. After my mom died he got custody of me . My dad knew my mom died my aunt told him he never called me this put the as you call it the nail in the coffin on how he cared about me. I should hve known something was up with my mom when me and her went to Duluth she gave me $200 to spend on anything during the time we where there this was some of her savings but when we came back we wouldst up till 5 am talking and often called in for me at school she knew it came back but never told me when I found out she had it, it was everywhere he died about 7 months later. To this day I don't think I fully accept she gone . After she died I had allot of people tell me they would be here for me even my mom friends and family this lasted for a month . Her family used me to get to some family photos of people I never knew and her friends took all of her stuff cloths,jewelry, and photos and her fiancae took her money and used me for survival benefits I have nothing but one photo that I can't find of her. They have not talked to me since 07. My So called Foster parent ( her fiancae ) would say "stop crying it's been a year" or "if you say you want to kill yourself one more time I'll put you in a nut house where crazy people like you go " he gone as far as saying" "I see why your dad never love you " I sometimes wish I died that day with her. I have never had a honest friend I been teased for being a tomboy the only people I had or what I thought where friends were teachers one I had died last year from Brest cancer too same happened to never knew she had it. I feel like I will never be loved or have friends I have some but often call me retarded, stupid, or dumb I'm in college but stress is killing me job and school. Teachers often point my stuttering out saying I need to fix it or I'll never get hired ( really?! Its not like I been trying ) I often think of my future like will I have friends, or driver lesince or a boyfriend or will I end up like how Chandler would say from Friends (I love this show ) I'll die alone as a crazy snake lady and kids will fear me that will be my thing (YouTube friends Chandler crazy snake guy) if you don't know what I'm talking about ( get another cookie for still reading ) I lone for love or friends I sometimes buy people I sorta know at college lunch just to sit and talk (pathetic right ?) I often catch my self saying I'm worthless or useless, stupid dumb (see I would have spelled it as dum had it not been for spell check ) I'm a piece of s**t and I'll die alone I tried religion but only to find out it did not help only made it worse. I to the point I think of suicide almost everyday but I'm scared to do So what if I fail what will happen? Will I go to a So called "Nut house " will people think I'm even more pathetic I told someone about this and all they said was suicide never the answer but yet then turned around and said no one likes depressed people or I sometimes say yeah well my life is worse. I am So pathetic I had a teacher pat me on the back for a good job on a test and that made my weekend. As I wrote this I had to stop time cry a couple times. I don't know what to do I thank if suicide and get So stressed to the point I puke this is somewhat my last hope in figuring out my life rather to continue or give up I have no one I'm tired of being alone, and knowing I never good for anyone. Thank you for reading this and once again you deserve a cookie.
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum QuietOne, hope that coming on here helps. Do you have a therapist or counsellor to talk to? If you don't do you have a college counselling service? Keeping coming on here. You're not pathetic, you're feeling low and sad and lonely like lots of us on here. We'll miss the people who loved us till the day we die ourselves. Sometimes it doesn't feel unbearable, sometimes the good memories can make us happy. Lots of hugs to you.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry hun you have lost so much You mom hun she is with you i know you heard that before but it is true hun she is in your heart. Everyone grieves in their own wayhun but i do hope you reach out for some councilling support that you deserve Depression is hard to beat on your own so you keep talking to your doctor ok sometimes meds have to be changed up a bit or replaced even Keep talking to us here to hun we are good listeners hugs
  4. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    Hi. Thanks for posting. I read through the whole thing and didn't even stop for a cookie. You are very good at expressing yourself, and you sound very intelligent, so you certainly have that going for you. And it's obvious you have a great sense of humor!
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