Well this is one post i really do not know how to write about... guess all i can do is write about how i felt last night and how i feel now... and that is why i posted it here in the let it out section... First let me ask all of you , have you ever been to a nursing home or seen someone who was on their death bed or hear of someone close to death tell you their time is almost up?? Why do they do that? Well i think it is because they know somehow... now what happened last night.... Each night this physical pain gets harder and harder for me to understand it or even bare it... I cant fully explain the pain to anyone just that it is a hard physical pain that doesnt go away with pain killers... last night was really bad but through all of it and the pain i still was able to catch a few winks of sleep... Often during the night i can feel my heart skip a beat and well last night it did this several times and i awoke several times... I am so close that it often scares me cause i know i will never get to see those that i need to see cause my time is almost up... and please no one pm me and ask me how i know cause chances are i could not even explain it to you... I just know... The Lord may grant me tomorrow and then again he may not.... I often have dreams of floating through the air , up into the sky , and out into the depths of heaven. i often see my mom in these dreams and sometimes shes with my grandma and sometimes shes by herself but she is always there to welcome me and she is always surranded by these beautiful colors.. It is such an amazing feeling that i can only explain in words... I think the Lord is allowing me this .. i think he is allowing me to get a taste of heaven and that in itself keeps me fighting on but my days of fighting are coming to an end... and i cant explain it only that i know time is almost up... it is kind of weird and kind of scary at the same time... I honestly dont think the Lord is going to let me suffer much more longer.. please do not pass up the oppertunity to be with the Lord... If you are suicidal reach out to others.. help each other cope with the problems we each face day in and day out.. there is a tremedase amount of beauty in heaven... There is so much love and warmth there that it is so hard to explain just how much... last night was an amazing night to me... I got a taste of something wonderful... i can feel my time is getting close and the only regret i have is not being able to hug two people that i dearly loved for the last time.. You know i was even crazy enough to write to a talk show host my dying wish.. who knows maybe they will grant me it and maybe not but i will have to leave that up to the man upstairs... Last night i felt this pull. it still pulls me and i felt i had to say this tonight. I think the Lord is telling me its almost time for me to come home.. I honestly think he is not going to let me suffer this physical pain for much more longer.. i am almost home..