I never cry in front of her, or any of my family for that matter. About a week ago she was talking to my dad and told him she was tired of living and wanted to die and my dad cried, and he never cries. i learned about this later on and it worried me so much, then last night, i was with her and she started saying she was losing motivation and didn't care for things anymore. I didn't know what to say. It just hit me so hard and I started to cry and she got really nervous and didn't know what to say back to me. I told her it made me sad because I understood how she felt but she didn't hear me. she started apologizing for it and trying to say it was just a passing feeling, and that she wouldn't do anything to hurt us, but i know she was only saying that so i'd stop crying. i'm so mixed up with emotion over it. i'm devastated, but at the same time i feel a bit glad that she might be able to understand it if i ever killed myself, and then i feel really sad that she would. i've known that she'd always been a little depressed since she got ill, but she seemed so much better these last 5 years, now it feels like i'm 9 again, coming home from school and hearing that my mom collapsed at work and is in hospital. i've worried about her and cared for her almost my whole life thus far and now i'm sort of angry that i still have to worry so much. and then i feel so guilty for feeling this way. and then i get even more depressed. i don't know what to do. i want her to be my mom, to take care of me, to help me. i don't want to have to worry about her anymore. i know it sounds really selfish, but i guess i just wish someone would take care of me for a change. i tried to tell her that i understood exactly how she felt, but she brushed it off and told me i was too young to be tired of life. i don't know. i'm sorry for writing all this. i just hate that my mom is feeling this way now and i have to totally put myself aside. it's no different than how it's always been i guess. i just thought maybe when the time was right i could've told someone in my family about my suicidal thoughts, but now i don't think i ever will. they'll think i'm just depressed 'cause my mom is or something like that. and there's no room left for me. im just so mixed up. i just wish for once this life was easy. i hate this. why can't she just be well for once. why does life have to be so hard for her all the time. why does it always have to be this way.