last night my mom made me cry

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by noplacetogo, Apr 23, 2007.

  1. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    I never cry in front of her, or any of my family for that matter. About a week ago she was talking to my dad and told him she was tired of living and wanted to die and my dad cried, and he never cries. i learned about this later on and it worried me so much, then last night, i was with her and she started saying she was losing motivation and didn't care for things anymore. I didn't know what to say. It just hit me so hard and I started to cry and she got really nervous and didn't know what to say back to me. I told her it made me sad because I understood how she felt but she didn't hear me. she started apologizing for it and trying to say it was just a passing feeling, and that she wouldn't do anything to hurt us, but i know she was only saying that so i'd stop crying.
    i'm so mixed up with emotion over it. i'm devastated, but at the same time i feel a bit glad that she might be able to understand it if i ever killed myself, and then i feel really sad that she would. i've known that she'd always been a little depressed since she got ill, but she seemed so much better these last 5 years, now it feels like i'm 9 again, coming home from school and hearing that my mom collapsed at work and is in hospital. i've worried about her and cared for her almost my whole life thus far and now i'm sort of angry that i still have to worry so much. and then i feel so guilty for feeling this way. and then i get even more depressed. i don't know what to do. i want her to be my mom, to take care of me, to help me. i don't want to have to worry about her anymore. i know it sounds really selfish, but i guess i just wish someone would take care of me for a change. i tried to tell her that i understood exactly how she felt, but she brushed it off and told me i was too young to be tired of life. i don't know. i'm sorry for writing all this. i just hate that my mom is feeling this way now and i have to totally put myself aside. it's no different than how it's always been i guess. i just thought maybe when the time was right i could've told someone in my family about my suicidal thoughts, but now i don't think i ever will. they'll think i'm just depressed 'cause my mom is or something like that. and there's no room left for me. im just so mixed up. i just wish for once this life was easy. i hate this. why can't she just be well for once. why does life have to be so hard for her all the time. why does it always have to be this way.
  2. leptoon

    leptoon Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry hun. I can't imagine what it must be like for you. But, you must know, there is always hope. Give it time and I am sure, after you work through all this, you will be glad you stayed alive. I can't speak for your mom, but if I was her and you killed yourself, I would too. Especially how your mom is now. You have to help her and she must do the same for you. At this point, you have to help each other and you can't stop caring right now. You've gone too far to turn back. The minute you were born you were given the responsibility to help and support all your loved ones through bad times, and your mom must do the same. You both have to work together.

    I hope I helped.
  3. Robin

    Robin Guest

    I can imagine (or maybe just a glimmer) how hard this must be for you right now but I thought I would chip in and say you have every right to get support from your family, it's sad that your mother has felt so low for so long but it seems she is at last opening up about her feelings, pls don't leave it as long for yourself.

    Your father is now aware of your mothers problems now, at least has an idea that something is really wrong, maybe it would be a good time to approach him and tell him you have similar feelings to your mother.

    Depression, when we are in it's grip, forces us to look ultra critically at ourselves, to the point where we lose our empathy for others. I think it speaks volumes that you are so worried about your mum and struggling to support her even though you feel like your head is going under.

    Whatever you do, don't convince yourself that your feelings are not as important as your mothers, you matter and you will continue to matter throughout your life regardless of how much a second class citizen you may feel. Look after yourself first, in that way you will be better able to look after your mum.
  4. noplacetogo

    noplacetogo Well-Known Member

    Thank you leptoon and Robin for your replies. it means a lot to me.

    you're right, there is always hope, but it gets so hard to see when you're in the dark. i will always care so much for my mom and will try to help her through this as best i can. i've always felt that she would kill herself if i killed myself, it's one of the main reasons why i haven't done it yet. i know it will devastate her. so i keep going. and i can't burden her with my problems. she's had such a hard life and throwing me in the mix would make it worse. i just have to help her as best i can. it just gets so hard sometimes. it gets so hard, but like you said, the minute we're born into this world, we carry the weight.

    I was very surprised when she opened up about it. that's why i had no words i suppose. and i'm kicking myself for crying and not being able to say anything to make it better for her.
    i wish i could tell my dad about my depression. we've talked about a lot of things and i've tried to help him through some rough times, but this is one thing i can't share with him. knowing how sad he was at my mom's confession, i can only imagine what he would do if i told him i wanted to kill myself. i would joke to him and my mom in the past about how easy it would be to be dead and i could see him fall apart inside. i would tell him if i could, but it's just one of those things that's not supposed to happen.
    I wish i could do more. i wish everyone else in the family could do more for eachother, but we don't. including me. i know how i can help my mom in the technical sense, but emotionally, i'm so drained. i love her and would give my life for her to be happy for once. and not just because i want to die, but because i want her to live. i mean, really live. you're right, i do need to look after myself in order to care for my mom properly. what good am i dead to her? i would never want her to hurt that way. thank you so sincerely for your concern. it means a great deal.

    thank you, both of you for your kind words and care. i know i sounded completely selfish on this thread, but you didn't shove it in my face like i was sure someone would. it's just been too much for me right now, and i'm glad i was able to say it here.
  5. Robin

    Robin Guest

    To be honest I didn't think for a second that you was being selfish but can understand why you feel that and I'm glad you managed say what was on your mind and troubling you so. Take care and be safe :hug: