I'm so tired of being the last-resort friend. You know, the one who people say they're friends with and hang out with until someone they like better comes along. I make new friends, I have them for 3 days, until they decide they don't like me anymore. Or I never make friends because they think I'm snobby or mean or whatever because I'm shy. It happens over and over and over and over and over again. The world is made of little cliques that I can't get into no matter what. Even my three old best friends who I used to be able to count on for anything have their own separate circles that I'm just not welcome in. I feel out of place even with them. Everything I do is awkward and I can't fix it. I really don't have friends anymore. Not close ones. I have acquaintances. The only person I'm close to now is my boyfriend and I'm stressing him out too much. I cried for two hours last night and I couldn't even tell him why. I was practically screaming "I don't feel well" at him because I didn't know what else to say. I've been a little sick lately so that's what he thought I meant. I didn't know how to tell him that "I don't feel well" meant that I was seriously considering chugging a couple of bottles of whatever happened to be lying around in my bathroom. I've already told him that I'd been thinking about suicide, but he basically pretends I never did. He tells me, "I'm sorry you're sad" when I cry. Sad? Well, yes. That's the understatement of the year. What am I supposed to do when the one person I'm closest to doesn't understand? What am I supposed to do I can't tell him what's wrong? What scares me the most is he's the one thing that's really kept me here. And last night after I cried for so long, I just kept staring at him and I realized that I could do it even though he was here. I would feel guilty, but he's barely keeping me here now. Add that to me doing everyone else's crap at work and basically being everyone's "answer" but nobody's friend, my mother being certifiably insane and pretty much hating me every other day for some unknown reason, not having a clue where my life is going, not being able to make a single decision no matter what it is...I can't even decide to die...I just hate being here. I hate it. I feel like there are a million of me and all of the mes combined can't even make a decision.