Last-resort friend.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by thebrain, Jun 1, 2008.

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  1. thebrain

    thebrain Well-Known Member

    I'm so tired of being the last-resort friend. You know, the one who people say they're friends with and hang out with until someone they like better comes along. I make new friends, I have them for 3 days, until they decide they don't like me anymore. Or I never make friends because they think I'm snobby or mean or whatever because I'm shy. It happens over and over and over and over and over again.

    The world is made of little cliques that I can't get into no matter what. Even my three old best friends who I used to be able to count on for anything have their own separate circles that I'm just not welcome in. I feel out of place even with them. Everything I do is awkward and I can't fix it.

    I really don't have friends anymore. Not close ones. I have acquaintances. The only person I'm close to now is my boyfriend and I'm stressing him out too much. I cried for two hours last night and I couldn't even tell him why. I was practically screaming "I don't feel well" at him because I didn't know what else to say. I've been a little sick lately so that's what he thought I meant. I didn't know how to tell him that "I don't feel well" meant that I was seriously considering chugging a couple of bottles of whatever happened to be lying around in my bathroom.

    I've already told him that I'd been thinking about suicide, but he basically pretends I never did. He tells me, "I'm sorry you're sad" when I cry. Sad? Well, yes. That's the understatement of the year.

    What am I supposed to do when the one person I'm closest to doesn't understand? What am I supposed to do I can't tell him what's wrong?

    What scares me the most is he's the one thing that's really kept me here. And last night after I cried for so long, I just kept staring at him and I realized that I could do it even though he was here. I would feel guilty, but he's barely keeping me here now.

    Add that to me doing everyone else's crap at work and basically being everyone's "answer" but nobody's friend, my mother being certifiably insane and pretty much hating me every other day for some unknown reason, not having a clue where my life is going, not being able to make a single decision no matter what it is...I can't even decide to die...I just hate being here. I hate it.

    I feel like there are a million of me and all of the mes combined can't even make a decision.
  2. thebrain

    thebrain Well-Known Member

    Apparently, it's just like that here, too. Greeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaat.
  3. hammockmonkey

    hammockmonkey Well-Known Member

    I have a few close friends and I love to see them, I just hate it when they have other friends over too because I feel totally out of place with them. Welcome though, feel free to PM me if you want someone just to talk with.
  4. sweetsweet

    sweetsweet Well-Known Member

    thebrain, I understand. I don't have any friends either. The one I did have in this place left a month ago(to be with another friend). The ones I did sort of have are all back in my college city. I am sure too that I seem pretty stand offish to most people and seem like I don't want to be bothered, but really I feel like it would be nice to have a true friend and actually yearn for one more than I may show. In the past, I probably tended to try and force myself onto people too much just to make a friend but now I've learned just to not give a fuck. I do know that if I did actually had one I probably wouldn't be looking into ways of harming myself right now.
  5. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    I've always made friends quickly....especially when they are new to the area and so on but I remember in school how they would dump me once accepted in the popular crowd. I don't really care any more. If they never call or message me or know. At least I've got my man.
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i think you'll find that the forums move at a different pace ... almost glacial sometimes. you keep hitting refresh, and yet no answers. i know how frustrating that is.

    that said, sorry i didn't see your post earlier. suicide is a difficult subject for many people; maybe it is too hard for your friend to deal with. maybe they worry that if they say or do the wrong thing you will make an attempt.

    there are people who will help, though, like us, and also professionals, like those at the suicide hotline, as well as therapists or doctors. would you be willing to tell someone whose job it is to help? you might be surprised at the help that is out there for you.
  7. thebrain

    thebrain Well-Known Member

    I never tell my friends about my suicidal thoughts. The only one who knows is my boyfriend.

    I don't know. I've always hated doctors, therapists, psychiatrists, counselors, you name it. Growing up with a mother who thought they were literally the answer to everything and seeing my sister have multiple crappy ones has made me rather...reluctant to seek them out. I also despise medication. Of nearly all types.
  8. Epical Taylz

    Epical Taylz Well-Known Member

    well thats good that you tell your boyfriend about this
    i, too, do that, and sometimes he doesnt get it
    i think that you jsut need to talk to him about it
    the next time youre crying. if he says "im sorry youre sad"
    you should say something like "you being sorry for me isnt
    wat i want, i want you to try to understand"
    and if he respondes with "im sorry" then just be like
    "what did i just say?"
    itll get in his head if you keep doing it :D
  9. thebrain

    thebrain Well-Known Member

    Yeah...he just doesn't know how to respond to human emotion very well (other than love, and he only seems to be able to do that with me). Now, he's just constantly asking me "Are you ok?" Which is obviously irritating. What's sad is, I know it worries him, so even if I'm not that ok, I feel that I have to convince him that I am.
  10. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    once you start seriously thinking about suicide, to the point of having a plan and a time set, it's time to get help, in my opinion. i think of it like the red warning light on the dashboard of the car, saying ... "warning, warning... i am in great pain... pay me some attention..." because you are living with these feelings every day, it's hard to see how serious your condition is.

    sure there are plenty of crappy therapists out there, but there are also some good ones. as for medication, it works for some, and not for others. it's a personal choice.

    if your choices are kill yourself, or see a therapist, i vote for therapy. you might get some new insights into your current difficulties and suicide will be less tempting as an option.
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