I have decided my plan merely moments ago. I have had a rough childhood with an emotionally and slightly physically abuse father and grew up not wanting to interact with people out of fear and had no friends until I reached middle school. My parents divorced when I was 12-13 and that's when shit really hit the fan with my father, who became batshit crazy and even more unnerving than the man I knew as a young child. I am diagnosed clinically depressed with a mild social anxiety (I panic in large groups). With all my friends I act like someone completely different - childish, confident and sharp tounged. I am really shy and geeky on the inside. I also have a short temper. I have no skills, confidence nor motivation whatsoever. I have been a medical tech in the military for a few years and life on my own has not been any good at all. It started out terrible when my entire class in corps school bullied me all the way until I left (I was made a huge embarrassment right in front of the staff and family members when I went to grab my diploma and the class started namecalling me) I can't seem to meet the military quota and am looked down upon by everyone, even the nurses in my clinic. I don't feel confidence in what I'm doing and get pushed to different areas constantly. Everyone here wishes I would just leave already (this is the truth because my boss told me). I do my best every day, but no matter what, it always ends bad. No one believes in me. No one wants to promote me. No one wants me around. People have even taken advantage of me when it comes to my kindness and money (which has slowly begun to stop unless on the rare occassions I get invited to a dinner party with what I slightly believe are my friends). Every day my barrier grows thinner and thinner. I am so close to losing it. The pills I take don't do anything for me anymore. I have a boyfriend and I care about him so much, but it gets depressing when I can't meet his sexual needs and he gets upset about it. I have attempted suicide many times during my preteen and teenage years. I've almost succeeded, but someone the will to live grew stronger than my will to die. I self harm constantly. I overeat and eat unhealthy when I'm depressed and suffer through weight gain, which is a no-no in the military. I do not deserve my job in the military. I do not deserve the station I was lucky enough to get placed in despite having low grades in corps school. I believe someone would be delighted to take my job and do much better than I ever would. That person would deserve it more than me and make a much better example of a human being. Sometimes I think I do not deserve live since I make such a poor example out of humanity. I have told you all this so you would understand my decision. My second advancement exam to pick up the petty officer 3rd class rank comes up in the middle of March. The study materials are exhausting and I already believe that I won't make it again, but I'm doing the best I can and learning as much as I can get. This to me is my last chance as of now to prove to everyone, even myself, that I can be trusted in my duties and for people (and I) to believe in me. I'll be so thankful if I finally get it. If not, then I will give up on everything. There is a bridge on top of a highway nearby the base I live in. If I fail to pick-up with the few other lower ranks I came here with, I will <Edit Moderator Method> No one can help me or even save me anymore. I've tried, but people push me away or simply don't care. This is my final goal. I'll be damned what fate has in store for me in the next 2 months.