Last Resort

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by BloodyCheery, Jan 26, 2011.

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  1. BloodyCheery

    BloodyCheery New Member

    I have decided my plan merely moments ago.

    I have had a rough childhood with an emotionally and slightly physically abuse father and grew up not wanting to interact with people out of fear and had no friends until I reached middle school. My parents divorced when I was 12-13 and that's when shit really hit the fan with my father, who became batshit crazy and even more unnerving than the man I knew as a young child. I am diagnosed clinically depressed with a mild social anxiety (I panic in large groups). With all my friends I act like someone completely different - childish, confident and sharp tounged. I am really shy and geeky on the inside. I also have a short temper. I have no skills, confidence nor motivation whatsoever.

    I have been a medical tech in the military for a few years and life on my own has not been any good at all. It started out terrible when my entire class in corps school bullied me all the way until I left (I was made a huge embarrassment right in front of the staff and family members when I went to grab my diploma and the class started namecalling me) I can't seem to meet the military quota and am looked down upon by everyone, even the nurses in my clinic. I don't feel confidence in what I'm doing and get pushed to different areas constantly. Everyone here wishes I would just leave already (this is the truth because my boss told me). I do my best every day, but no matter what, it always ends bad. No one believes in me. No one wants to promote me. No one wants me around. People have even taken advantage of me when it comes to my kindness and money (which has slowly begun to stop unless on the rare occassions I get invited to a dinner party with what I slightly believe are my friends). Every day my barrier grows thinner and thinner. I am so close to losing it. The pills I take don't do anything for me anymore. I have a boyfriend and I care about him so much, but it gets depressing when I can't meet his sexual needs and he gets upset about it.

    I have attempted suicide many times during my preteen and teenage years. I've almost succeeded, but someone the will to live grew stronger than my will to die. I self harm constantly. I overeat and eat unhealthy when I'm depressed and suffer through weight gain, which is a no-no in the military. I do not deserve my job in the military. I do not deserve the station I was lucky enough to get placed in despite having low grades in corps school. I believe someone would be delighted to take my job and do much better than I ever would. That person would deserve it more than me and make a much better example of a human being. Sometimes I think I do not deserve live since I make such a poor example out of humanity.

    I have told you all this so you would understand my decision. My second advancement exam to pick up the petty officer 3rd class rank comes up in the middle of March. The study materials are exhausting and I already believe that I won't make it again, but I'm doing the best I can and learning as much as I can get. This to me is my last chance as of now to prove to everyone, even myself, that I can be trusted in my duties and for people (and I) to believe in me. I'll be so thankful if I finally get it. If not, then I will give up on everything. There is a bridge on top of a highway nearby the base I live in. If I fail to pick-up with the few other lower ranks I came here with, I will <Edit Moderator Method> No one can help me or even save me anymore. I've tried, but people push me away or simply don't care. This is my final goal. I'll be damned what fate has in store for me in the next 2 months.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 28, 2011
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    It sounds as if you have very low self esteem..Have you talked to a professioal about this?? I also was in the military and got kicked out because I got caught with a marijuana pipe in my possesion.. I really wanted to make a carrer of the military but my captain wasn't haveing anything to do with it.. Do you plan on makeing a carrier of the service?? Maybe you can find a group therapy where your living.. Sometimes talking to others helps..I hate to see you suffer..Suicide is not the answer..Do what it takes to help build your self esteem back up..Good luck with the promotion..
  3. BloodyCheery

    BloodyCheery New Member

    I have never had self-esteem. I have been seeking help, but seeing as how they get booked, I can only see a therapist once a month.
  4. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    I'm thinking about jumping too. March you say hmm I hope for your sake you pass the exam. If you fail I really think you should consider what else you can do. It doesn't have to mean the end of your life. You can broaden your horizon to see what else you could do. You said you are doing 'the best you can' that is all anyone can ask of themselves.

    Your life has infinite value compared to a piece of paper, a classification or distinction. Use it to be yourself, to love whatever you like doing and enjoy the life you've got. Forget the unreasonable demands of other people and what they expect from you. You've got to learn to stand up for what you want regardless of how they may react. Don't let them pressure you into becoming something you may not be.

    If you intuitively feel you are too sensitive underneath the persona of how you project yourself into the world, listen to what it is saying to you. If you aren't absolutely confident in yourself and your abilities, admit it to yourself like
    you've done so well with this post. There is nothing to feel ashamed or bad about. You are human, you're you. Don't be so quick to judge yourself. You can be all you want to be if you are honest with yourself. Other things will come with time and experience. Please take care of yourself, for your bf's sake, friends, your family but above all you.
  5. BloodyCheery

    BloodyCheery New Member

    I've been organizing a study group in my building and a few people seem to like it very much and might help me with it. Basically I'm doing whatever ti takes to help me and the others pass our exams and get ranked up. All I've been doing lately is studying, gathering materials and talking to the others at the clinic about it. Tomorrow while I'm in the advancement class my friends from all the way back in boot camp will read the proposal I put together. Some of the HM3sit I shared part of the plans with liked it so much that they're going to come to the (hopefully) group studies and help us! It's at least a great start to this chess game. I just need to solve my bad study skills and memory in time for the exam so that I pass with a far better score than I did on the first one.

    My chief came by today and pulled me out of where I've been working for the past year, saying that he was mad how the department didn't bother to help me and rather stuck to pulling me back to the point where I didn't deal with patients anymore. I still feel like it's a major loss for me 'cause it means that I have failed again to achieve at least a sense of trust with the staff. I know most of them didn't like me and had not wanted me to return when I came back from deployment. I'm sure they're relieved that I won't be causing harm and mistakes anymore, in a mindset that someone else can deal with my accidents. It really hurts to think that's the way the see it and I spent half the day crying up in my room. If only I could discover my confidence in SOMETHING would things start getting better. I've always been interested in psychology and kids, so hopefully I'll be put somewhere in those categories. I couldn't help but walk by that bridge again today and stare down at the oncoming traffic below. :unsure:

    Until then, all I can do is study and advance my chess pieces closer to winning the game. I bought Dead Space 2 for my boyfriend and I to play and my best friend will be coming back from vacation soon. By then the group study sessions should be taking place. A book I've been wanting to read should be coming tomorrow and I want to pick it up as soon as I can. Have you guys ever heard of Jim and Jamie Dutcher? They've done one of the most wonderful wolf documentaries I've ever seen and I can't wait to read their book based on their studies. I have a huge passion for wolves and animals, but there don't seem to be many successful jobs on 'em. It sounds silly, but I wanted to be a zookeeper or have the job people have like Jim and Jamie Dutcher. It's is complicated and my Mum has always told me to focus on a steady job like I am now, even though we're both animal lovers. I also have a passion for acting and can teach someone how to do it, but again with my dream animal job, it's just not good enough. I hope to get involved with a community theater soon if the chess match ends with my victory.

    Sorry, I didn't mean to ramble. Haven't really had anyone to talk to all day. :zipped:
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