Last straw

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by butterflygurl, Mar 12, 2009.

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  1. butterflygurl

    butterflygurl Member

    This is my first time posting here though I've been a member for a few months. I suffer from several mental issues/disorders but the main thing is depression and lately feeling suicidal. I used to be on another forum where I met a girl that became my really good friend. It happened gradually of course but we became really close. We started sending emails to each other and then ims and talking on the phone and talked almost everyday several times a day for almost a year. Sometimes we'd even send each other stuff in the mail. We made plans to meet each other irl though we live in different states. I have other friends of course, but I am unable to open up to them like I am able to open up to her about my mental issues. She was 'safe' because she was nonjudgemental and understanding. She wanted me to go see therapists and psychiatrists. I admit that my condition has worsensed since we first started talking maybe because I didn't receive professional help. She felt like she was maybe even preventing me from getting help because I would vent to her about my feelings and even thoughts of suicide. She kept stressing that she wanted me to get real help because she was unable to help me. I did go see a shrink and started taking some meds but I don't think I was quite ready and intimidated about the whole experience so after my one visit and taking my meds for a month I stopped going. It was hard for me to open up to my shrink because I didn't feel comfortable talking to him and felt like he was judging me. During that time I'd still talk to my friend and told her I made a suicide attempt. She called my shrink and talked to the personnel in the office about it, but after that I felt too weird and embarrassed so I cancelled my next appointment to see him. I told her I wasn't ever going to therapy or a shrink. She calls me the next day crying saying she is worried I'm going to kill myself and begs me to see a therapist so because of her and because I felt guilty I agree to go see one. However at the last minute I panic and back out of that too. Later she says she's going to stop talking to me or something because like I said before she doesn't think she is helping me and that she might be stopping me from getting prof help because I vent to her. I don't talk to her for almost a week (last week) and when I do I send her an email, and after reading it later I realize it sounds like a suicide note and I talk about self-harm. I didn't mean to make it sound like one though. Last night I sign onto chat and she sends me an email saying she thinks it will be best for both of us if we don't have contact anymore. She said she's sorry it might hurt me but it's clear to her that she can't help me and it's unhealthy for her to watch me be self destructive. She also changed her phone number and email. That for me was the last straw.......she is obviously a nice person but even she is tired of me and probably wants me to die. Throughout everything for almost a year she has helped me and been very supportive. I feel so incredibly hurt and alone right now. I'm confused as to why or how I person who is a friend could do something like this. I don't mean to sound pathetic but I don't know why she would do this to me and I don't know what I'm going to do without her!
  2. jane doe

    jane doe Well-Known Member

    if you were such close friends to care so much for eachother, then im sure she will understand that we dont "sound" exacly how we want when we write. Give her a few days to relax and write to her. Im sure u both can be as good friends as u used to be just a couple of days ago. take care sweety and please stay safe
  3. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you for sharing that post hun. I dont think your friend did that in any way to hurt you. She did it for her hun. And she is probably hurting as much as you are right now. But unless other people have really walked in your shoes, felt the same feelings and thoughts that you have, it is extremely difficult for them to keep a strong support going. It is very taxing on them and at some point it can become just as overwhelming to them as your thoughts and feelings are to you. She doesnt want you to die. If that was the case I dont think she would of helped you as much as she did and for as long as she did. And you are definitely not pathetic. Losing someone that had become such an anchor is not an easy thing to face. But like I said, I dont think she did it to hurt you. Well you have been here long enough to see that there are many people here that suffer mental health issues and are always ready to support and care for others. So please keep posting and sharing. I'm not suggesting that you "replace" your friend, but please let others help you as much as they can while you sort this thing out.
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend

    ....i am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time. it is always very painful to lose a close relationship, and especially when it is someone you clearly depended on for emotional support. most of here have experienced lost or broken relationships at some point - it is part of life - and a very painful part.

    you did a positive thing by reaching out here - we all try to give support and lean on each other - i hope you'll continue to post here - and feel free to pm me, or anyone here, if you want to talk. :console:
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...there is nothing you did to contribute to the rupture in the is difficult for someone to know how to handle someone's su ideations, but, nonetheless, it is good that you tried to express how you were feeling...there are many ppl here who understand what you are going through...please take the support at this time, and PM me if I can be of any help...big hugs, J
  6. SweetSurrender

    SweetSurrender Well-Known Member

    To be honest i think your friend has been completely upfront and treated you with total respect. She appears to have been very understanding of your illness and is aware how serious it is and that it warrants being treated by a professional in order for you to get better. But even more importantly, she has offered you support whilst you go through the scary prospect of getting the help you need - that is offering a lot! Plus if i've read it right, she's not simply cut off contact from you out of the blue, but she has done what any healthy and mentally well person does and that is - set boundries. Every successful relationship needs them. And she made it clear to you on several occasions what her boundries were AND the reasons why (and those reasons are as much for your wellbeing as hers).

    She obviously cares for you a lot but there is only so much she can do if you won't take responsibility for your own mental health. I think you need to ask yourself if this friendship has been two-way? I'm not saying you've not ever given her anything in return, but you state yourself that you have gotten more ill over the last year and perhaps due to your own mental illness you are not able to see the unhealthy cycle this friendship has gotten into.

    From her perspective, supporting someone with depression is extremely stressful and tiring. From personal experience, i have depression but i've also supported a friend with depression and i nievely thought i'd be good at helping her through it all, but in actual fact it was incrediably demoralising and upsetting. I hated her being depressed but i couldn't make her happy, and she was doing so many self-destructive things that i knew was making her more depressed but she was not able to or couldn't/wouldn't hear me when i tried to tell her she needed to stop/get help. I'm not saying there are absolute right and wrongs in this situation, afterall i understand how scary it is to make that first step to get help, but i wish i'd been more like your friend and set limits; i didn't and i ended up extremely unwell and resentful of her so that friendship is very sour now.

    She does seem like a good friend, and i very much doubt her having to distance herself is because she wants you to die, and i don't think you truly believe that yourself. I think if she is so important to you and you really want a healthy friendship with her, you will go and get the help you need. Perhaps when you are not so dependent on this friendship, and she is able to see how much you care about her - enough to do very scary things! - you'll be able to re-establish the friendship. But for the moment, i think your friend has done the right thing to be honest.
  7. justafool

    justafool Well-Known Member

    SweetSurrender said it best. That's good advice! :smile:
  8. butterflygurl

    butterflygurl Member

    Thanks everyone for responding and offering your support. I hope I can do the same for people here and I'm really glad I found this forum
  9. Right U R Ken

    Right U R Ken Well-Known Member

    I know I'm coming in late but this thread spoke to me so I had to say something.

    Above I tried to quote the things that stand out that answer your own question at the end of "why or how a person who is a friend could do something like this" It's clear from what your wrote that your friend is being torn apart on the inside by the fact that you seem to be getting worse since your started your friendship instead of better. This was causing her pain. Too much pain for her to bear. As mentioned, she had a need in this friendship, but not a selfish one. She just needed you to get better. That in turn would have made her feel better.

    I'm too am currently tying to support someone who suffers from depression who lives in another state. And I can tell you when the other person doesn't do anything to get better it can rip the supporting person to shreds. That's what going on with me right now. She has a physical health problem that she won't go in and take care of. She just doesn't seem to have a concept of how much this is hurting me. I can't get her to go in and do what she needs to do. It make me feel helpless, useless, and a complete failure.

    So anyway I personally will never give up like your friend did but I'm hoping you understand how strongly she felt about your need to get help and get better. It was just too much for her to deal with that you didn't.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 16, 2009
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you have received some very wise council!!! Why not start with a therapist, they are alot easier to talk to and they can decide if you should be on meds or not. Seeing a shrink can be very intimidating but in all actualality they are there to help!!!
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum :hug:

    How are you feeling today?
  12. butterflygurl

    butterflygurl Member

    Thanks again for your support. We are talking again though I've also made an appointment to start seeing a therapist so I am able to not only vent but hopefully receive professional help. She is really thrilled about it and I think it will be good for our relationship
  13. Troubled2008

    Troubled2008 Well-Known Member

    I am always under the impression that anyone on here who writes in English is influenced by Western religion... which basically tells you that no matter what you do, that you're worthless and can never recover your life.

    I would forget about all those ideas.

    Everytime I think about my own depression, I think about my poor Christian ideas and how I've been spit upon by God.

    Even though I used to love Nature and God before I was a Christian. Christianity brought me the most sadness I have ever known. If this is like you, get rid of it ASAP. Christ is nothing. Sadness. Falsehood.

    I still believe in peace and treating people right...... But I do not believe in living a life in sadness for a fake god.
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