This is my first time posting here though I've been a member for a few months. I suffer from several mental issues/disorders but the main thing is depression and lately feeling suicidal. I used to be on another forum where I met a girl that became my really good friend. It happened gradually of course but we became really close. We started sending emails to each other and then ims and talking on the phone and talked almost everyday several times a day for almost a year. Sometimes we'd even send each other stuff in the mail. We made plans to meet each other irl though we live in different states. I have other friends of course, but I am unable to open up to them like I am able to open up to her about my mental issues. She was 'safe' because she was nonjudgemental and understanding. She wanted me to go see therapists and psychiatrists. I admit that my condition has worsensed since we first started talking maybe because I didn't receive professional help. She felt like she was maybe even preventing me from getting help because I would vent to her about my feelings and even thoughts of suicide. She kept stressing that she wanted me to get real help because she was unable to help me. I did go see a shrink and started taking some meds but I don't think I was quite ready and intimidated about the whole experience so after my one visit and taking my meds for a month I stopped going. It was hard for me to open up to my shrink because I didn't feel comfortable talking to him and felt like he was judging me. During that time I'd still talk to my friend and told her I made a suicide attempt. She called my shrink and talked to the personnel in the office about it, but after that I felt too weird and embarrassed so I cancelled my next appointment to see him. I told her I wasn't ever going to therapy or a shrink. She calls me the next day crying saying she is worried I'm going to kill myself and begs me to see a therapist so because of her and because I felt guilty I agree to go see one. However at the last minute I panic and back out of that too. Later she says she's going to stop talking to me or something because like I said before she doesn't think she is helping me and that she might be stopping me from getting prof help because I vent to her. I don't talk to her for almost a week (last week) and when I do I send her an email, and after reading it later I realize it sounds like a suicide note and I talk about self-harm. I didn't mean to make it sound like one though. Last night I sign onto chat and she sends me an email saying she thinks it will be best for both of us if we don't have contact anymore. She said she's sorry it might hurt me but it's clear to her that she can't help me and it's unhealthy for her to watch me be self destructive. She also changed her phone number and email. That for me was the last straw.......she is obviously a nice person but even she is tired of me and probably wants me to die. Throughout everything for almost a year she has helped me and been very supportive. I feel so incredibly hurt and alone right now. I'm confused as to why or how I person who is a friend could do something like this. I don't mean to sound pathetic but I don't know why she would do this to me and I don't know what I'm going to do without her!