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last straw

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cobetcknncoio3, Aug 6, 2011.

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  1. there is literally nothing good about my life anymore. the only pleasure i feel is my next dose. I just got out of the insane asylum a couple months ago after a nervous breakdown, and it seems like the deterioration of my life and will to go on has definitely accelerated.

    i have recently fallen in love for the first time (i'm 18 and a boy) and she has absolutely zero interest in me. she's a friend of one of my family members and he's known her forever, but i've only known her for a little over a year. she is the sweetest, most beautiful girl i've ever known, and i am completely head over heels for her. i have been infatuated before, many times, and i know that's not what this is. every time i think about her it hurts so bad, and she has absolutely no idea how i feel, and i can't tell her because i'm afraid i won't see her anymore if i do. i have never wanted something so bad that i can't have, and it really is the worst pain i've ever felt in my life. plus, i'm too young for her (she's 24) and i know she thinks i'm just a dumb young kid. it's not that it's her that makes me want to end my life, this is just the last straw, the most recent of a series of shitty things that happen to me. i am done with life. this is the first time that i have truly wanted it to be all over. i can't take it any more.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 12, 2011
  2. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Hello there, and welcome to SF! I'm 18 and a boy too, and I got out of a psychiatric hospital a few months ago as well. Nice to meet you. :shake: :hug:
  3. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I know that heartache all too well. I've been head over heals in love with this guy for 11 years. I tried to kill myself over him, took about <Mod Edit:Inmemoryofyou:Methods>. I took off in my car, had a wreck, and the ambulance came and got me and took me to the hospital. I went through therapy over this. Just nothing seemed to ease that pain. I could never tell him how I feel because he's married and has two kids. Unfortunetly didn't know this when I first got to know him, but I think it was kind of love at first sight anyways. He is the sweetest person I have ever met and that is what I love so much about him. I think about him constantly. It still hurts like hell but I am able to go on feeling this way. I also think I could be willing to get into a relationship with someone now, but even if I did, which at age 40, I am doubting I'd meet anyone, but I will never get over him. For some reason, I feel like it is my destiny to love this guy. I don't know why, it just seems that is the way it was meant to be. I prayed this person into my life, I never dreamed the heartache it would cause. It isn't healthy to feel this strong over someone that doesn't return your feelings. You really need to take the steps to get over this. I think you need to talk to her. If she does not return the feelings, then you can put some closure to this. If she doesn't return the feelings, the best thing you could do, is take some time away from her. Your still so young, you have plenty of time to find the love of your life. May I ask why you are taking pain killers? Do you think it's possible that is adding to your depression?
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 6, 2011
  4. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    HI and welcome...If you can feel this way about this 'older' woman, you can feel this way again...feeling this attraction is such a positive sign so please do not underrate it...we would not have the energy to be attracted to someone if we were truly defended...take the good parts of this and see how it can be used to find someone who will give you the intimacy you deserve...glad you are home and that you are posting here...J
  5. Well I am addicted to opiates, have been for 3 years, I have to take them to keep withdrawals away. I actually take buprenorphine but ill take whatever I can get oxycodone, hydrocodone, morphine, even heroin. And as for what the other poster said I just can't get anything positive from this because it hurts so bad to need her and not be able to ever be with her or ever even tell her how I feel.
  6. Just found out she has a new boyfriend. Now I reallly wanna die damn
  7. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni


    I just wanted to tell you that, whatever happens with this girl, whether you ever do start a relationship with her or not, I wish you the best of luck in finding a girl (doesn't have to be this girl you care so much about) who will love you and be loved back.
  8. Thank you for your words of encouragement alex. I just can't stand knowing that she means everything to me and I mean nothing to her, it tears me apart inside in a way that just hurts so ***damn bad it just makes me want to walk out into the woods and lay down in a nice peaceful clearing and end this pain. Sorry I'm not trying to be melodramatic I've just never felt this way before and I can't take it. And its all I think about from the moment I wake up to when I fall asleep, and even then I dream about her. I feel like I have only one option: take permanent measures to end this once and for all.
  9. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I understand. I confessed my feelings a few weeks ago to someone I couldn't stop thinking about for weeks. If I hadn't told the person how I felt, I don't know what I would have done. It would have bothered me beyond wits. :hug:
  10. Oh I wish to god I could tell her how I feel but I'm scared to... I don't. Know why. I guess I'm afraid shell not want to see me again if I do.
  11. can't think of a single reason why not to just put the glock in my pants and find a private area to put it to my head. I think the hourglass is about empty.
  12. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I think you need to focus on getting yourself better before even attempting a relationship with anyone. When I was 9 years old, my father died from using angel dust, he drowned in a shallow creek. Left behind 5 kids. He had divorced my mom and married a woman that got him addicted to drugs. She was drugged up one day and was out driving like that with my 11 year old half sister, this wasn't her daughter, she wrecked and killed the girl. This girl's mother went on to hang herself because of what happened to her daughter. This woman my father married, has had other marriages where her husbands died of a drug overdose. I think she should have been put in jail for murder, but she's never been in trouble for any of this.

    I don't know what made you turn to drugs, liking the feeling of being high, or feeling like your life was so bad, that you needed something, but whatever the reason for it, there is nothing good that can come of this. I understand your addiction and you feel like it's too hard to quit. But maybe if you make small efforts in this, you can change this. Try using less of it than you normally do, and gradually do this over time, maybe you can get strong enough to stop. You could also turn to drug rehab programs for help if your own effort fails. But your not going to get nowhere if you don't try. I would be willing to bet that your addiction is bringing on your depression. You have your whole life ahead of you. You could do anything you set your mind to. But all you want to do is die. And I'm afraid, if you don't stop this habit you have, that could end up happening to you. I hope you can find a reason for wanting to live, and stop thinking your life is worth giving up for someone else, because it's not!!!! You only get one chance at life, if you end it, there is no coming back from that.
  13. First of all thank you so much for that post it really got me thinking. I have been depressed and cutting since 13 and that brought on my addiction. I am not gonna let this girl end my life no matter how much I love her. I guess all I can do is just hope that I can be with her one day and take it one day at a time. Again thank you very much your post made a world of difference to how I feel :)
  14. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Awwww. That kind of makes me want to just cry. I am really happy it helped you. I really know that hurt your going through with that girl. The first guy I really fell hard for, I was 17, he had split personality disorder, and he would go off cussing at me without any reason. He broke up with me once, and I overdosed because of it, another time I overdosed on prenatal vitamins, after he cussed me out really bad. I know that's pretty awful, being pregnant and trying to kill myself. I just couldn't handle being treated that way. I also developed an anxiety disorder after we started dating, where I'd hyperventilate and get stiff and numb all over, it was triggered every time he'd become abusive. We was supposed to get married, but 3 weeks after my baby was born, I find out he's living with some girl he was cheating on me with, and at the time he was living out of state. Because of her, he denyed his son, wouldn't come and see him. Two years after, he was killed in a vehicle accident. I couldn't get his family to take a part in my son's life. Couldn't get them to do a DNA test, I guess since he claimed I was cheating, that meant I was, though that was far from the truth. Last year, his sister got on my facebook and talked to me like a dog. She didn't believe any of the stuff I told her he put me through, and just talked to me like I was nothing but a slut. She emails my son on there, while he's in afghanistan (he's in the army) and tells him his father wasn't his father, and she talked to him like shit too. I can't tell you how much that hurt and how bad it pissed me off. So I took a lie detector test and none of them would show up for it. Of course, I passed with flying colors to prove I didn't cheat on him, which meant my son was his. Finally got his other sister to take a DNA test with my son, and proved he was his, 21 years later. I really don't know why my feelings were so strong for that guy, he was such a jerk toward me. He didn't deserve it.

    This other guy I've been in love with, I think alot of it is because of how sweet he is. I don't see that in most guys. He was just there at a really rough time in my life and it made me get attached. I really wish that didn't happen. I don't know why I have feelings so strong for someone I know I could never be with. I went for a really long time feeling like I couldn't go on with my life because of that. It hurt me more than anything has ever hurt me in my life. But it doesn't hurt as bad anymore, and I realize my life is more important than that, and it is not worth giving up for anyone.

    My depression got so bad that I thought about cutting myself too, but I never did it. It's just really hard to stop dealing with things like that, once you start doing it. But, you can change it if you want to bad enough. The trick with me was, instead of responding in a bad way, like overdosing on pills, was to respond in a different way, go to the hospital and tell them how bad I was feeling, or call my therapist or doctor, and talk to them about it. Eventually my ways of dealing with things, trying to hurt myself, stopped.

    I didn't have the best childhood experiences myself, but that's awful that you've had to deal with that shit since you was 13. You should be enjoying life. Out partying with your friends. Off in college. Chasing one girl after another. One day you can settle down and have kids of your own, if you want them. You can get past all this, and you will feel so much better once you do. I'm rooting for you. I hope it gets better. For some reason, I see something special in you, don't deprive the world of that. Hang in there.. I know things can get better for you. I'm sure there are people in your life who love you very much and want to see that happen.

    And I know life can be so gay, not going to say it isn't. But there are still things about it, that is just as wonderful. My kids are the biggest part of that, even though they gave me hell growing up because I have this connective tissue disease, and stayed so sick, they just get mean when they hit teenage years, lmfao, but I still love them more than anything. They give me my reason to want to go on. I want my life to get better and I haven't really succeeded at feeling happy, but I'm working on it. Work in progress. I think if I got married again, that would really make a difference for me. But I haven't dated anyone for 11 years, since my divorce, that was kind of it for me. I follow my feelings, I loved this guy so much, that I just couldn't even think of such a thing, and being sick, I didn't see any point in trying.. And I don't know if I will ever meet anyone I could care about again, but I'm not giving up hope in that.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 8, 2011
  15. I'm so sorry you had to endure abuse, I think there's no bigger coward in the world than a man who treats a woman so terribly. And after I deal with my other (mental) problems I think I want to try to detox one of these days, although I don't see that happening in the immediate future. And by the way you have been the single most uplifting person to me on here, thank you again very much. But everyone has been very kind and I thank you all. I may be (hopefully) over this episode but as I said before depression is one day at a time.
  16. HawthornePassage

    HawthornePassage Well-Known Member

    I had a bunch of things sort of like that. The first one was a bit more 'infatuation'-ish (because I was a bit younger) but man was it powerful. I was totally emotionally isolated for my whole life from my family and everyone so I latched to this girl at school like super-glue. In retrospect there wasn't much about her that was appealing aside from looks, but I think it was also the innocence and 'purity' aspect vs my (psychologically) dirty and bloody hands.

    Anyway, I don't think its entirely the same, but I had one or two more less powerful interactions that were a bit more genuine (I barely even remember) before I completely collapsed 5 years ago. Both of those ended in horrible let downs and contributed to me being destroyed. But the first one was so powerful that it had me begging to die just because I couldn't have her; which was really an extension of my longing for some kind of meaningful social/emotional contact.

    Interestingly enough, when I gained confidence and shifted my 'locus' from 'Im a worthless sack of shit I cant get anything right' to 'The world is a vastly colder place than most people realize and due to my insights and highly negative upbringing, it burns me like hell" I actually got over her completely in almost an instant one day. It was completely surreal because I had spent about 18 months completely attached to this girl that I didn't even know and hardly even spoke to since I was like...the designated school loser or something back then, which changed after the perspective shift/confidence boost and a school change. Went to a rich and asian-filled school, so I wasn't into academics enough to hang out with them (except my best friend, who isn't asian academically by any means), but that also meant that most 'losers' were just asian nerds with few burnouts etc to be buddies with.

    So shift to about three years after I got destroyed (This first infatuation lasted 14-15, the later more genuine shit was 16-17, I collapsed before my 18th birthday and I'm 22 now) and I got into this relationship with this nice girl I knew from a forum somewhere and had talked to for awhile. This girl is older than me by quite a bit (3 years) but in her every day behavior and appearance you'd think she is younger and that I'm the older one. This was my first one because I had shunned all relationships due to being so wounded, and man it was like a hit of fucking cocaine. I had been so damn deprived of the basic human needs of emotional and physical contact that after contact my body would be literally shaking, my whole lips area would be numb and buzzing, and I'd feel extremely 'crazy'. The fact that she's really fucking hot just upped the buzz. It was like a positive high gone wayyyyy too far and it was actually very uncomfortable for awhile.

    But it went away.

    One key thing is that this girl isnt like me which was a major thorn in the side; I had always wanted someone like me but could never find a person like that. Especially in a woman, since due to cultural standards they're probably less likely to end up in a position where they engage in the hardcore existential/philosophical thinking crap that made me who I am today. Once the 'high' wore off this became an endless source of frustration especially since she can be unreasonable and stubborn sometimes....OCD ish and has led a sheltered lifestyle. I mean what kind of 'ridiculously hot girl' would go into a relationship with an bitter cynical wrecked guy like me? It's not like I'm bad looking, but the vast majority of 'normal' people avoided me once they learned of my issues (so I stopped telling most people in my life about them). This was an absolute prerequisite to ANY relationship for me because I refused to be in a fake one.

    Due to the lack of similarity despite a huge amount of chemistry and loving interactions and shit earlier, this relationship has been growing colder. It's partly because being 'numb' is my way of escaping my problems and it's much harder to be numb around someone you have some closeness to. I'm not sure how relevant all this shit is (if you want to know more about me read some of my topics) but I guess the point I'm making is that its not always all its cracked up to be. I'm sure you already know that but it doesn't change the feeling. Infatuation, obsession, love, whatever it is, is a powerful drug and really difficult to dislodge. Oh and by the way, I've had some mild opiate issues, and those were a total fucking bitch, so I can only imagine where you are at now. Buy some kratom...that shit is GREAT for opiate withdrawal and its very minimally addictive. Trust me, you will be so impressed with it and it'll be like a godsend if you haven't tried it already.
  17. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    Thanks, but I'm okay. It's past history. Everyone in this world isn't so nice, it's just the way life has to be. I would never put up with that again from anyone. I think in a way, it made me stronger.

    Even if you don't detox, please try to take it a bit slower. Nothing good can come from that addiction. One day at a time, is good. As long as you see some progress along the way.
  18. I'm havin a really bad day. Don't ask me why but I had to listen to her and another dude having sex last night. Took a big dose today and put a locked and loaded pistol to my head awhile ago.
  19. cutiepie132

    cutiepie132 Well-Known Member

    I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you. Would you please consider calling 911? For what it's worth, if anything, I'm glad you didn't pull the trigger. (sending hugs your way)..
  20. I wish I was glad too :(
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