Last try!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Sam3039, Apr 26, 2014.

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  1. Sam3039

    Sam3039 Member


    I’m Sam. I was informally diagnosed with ‘chronic depression’ in 2011, which probably started in my late teens, or early 20’s and is still a problem today. Although I have had little professional help (I did see a psychiatric nurse and go on a short course of citalopram – most of which I did not take) I have made numerous attempts in life to change my lifestyle for the better.

    A major change that I made, was to join the military. My train of thought, was that the military would give me some:

    • Routine
    • Qualifications
    • Physical fitness
    • A decent balanced diet
    • Goals and ambitions
    • Excitement
    • Numerous social events (all of which would be mandatory)

    I did not think military life would necessarily cure me of my depression, but thought that numerous elements were positive and would be unavoidable in the job. In some ways I was right, but in certain environments/situations, I found that the stress of the job, coupled with constant social anxiety, was too much. The result was that I would break down and even become suicidal.

    I have since left the military. Today I am still having to deal with the following issues, all of which have been problems for a long time:

    • Constant low mood
    • Mood worsens at night
    • Feelings of hopelessness – as though nothing will ever help me to lead a happy life
    • No friends (literally no friends) I find social situations awkward and uninteresting. I have made very little effort to keep in touch with old friends and effectively have none.
    • Geographical isolation – having left the military, I am now in a relatively isolated place. Old school friends are gone, military friends are far away.
    • Little/no interest in any activities. I find life is extremely dull and uninteresting.
    • Poor appetite and diet
    • Little physical activity – although I was very fit in the military, I have stopped all activity.
    • Low sex drive
    • Anxiety
    • Suicidal thoughts – I do not believe im a danger to myself. I have never self harmed or tried to kill myself. In truth however, if I did not have to worry about how my family would feel, I believe I would have done it years ago. I would also gladly do it today if my family wasn’t a factor. Even so, thinking about ending my life actually makes me feel better. To this end, I have researched suicide and found numerous effective means which I am able to utilise (not that its rocket science).

    Most of these issues have been present for a long time.

    The thing I need help with, is what to do in the next few months. I am about to join the ambulance service, having been accepted as a paramedic. I will begin training with the NHS in a matter of months.

    Before I join them though, I want to try to get myself sorted out. I want to get myself into the right frame of mind. I also want to make the most of my training and the various situations I find myself in.

    I will need to move house when I join, so my geographical isolation is that will hopefully be fixed shortly.

    I do want to figure out how I can make friends effectively when I join my new place of work. I often think that if you fail to make friends, or at least introduce yourself to people the first time you see them, you may end up as ‘strangers’ in the same office and never really do anything thereon.

    Once I am moved in, I will also attempt to take up fitness again (my current local gym sucks – big time – its not an excuse, I want to do weights but its about the worst gym ive seen and I live in a very rural area so its about the only one!).

    I will also try to eat better (ive already been trying).

    I will also get to the dr’s and make myself an appointment.

    So many things to do and so much of it would ideally be done in my new home. But if anyone has any further suggestions it would be greatly appreciated. To be totally honest, this paramedics course is my ‘last try’ at a happy life. I honestly do not know what I would do if I failed, not only the course, but if I passed and didn’t manage to settle into the job (making me miserable).

    So I want to do as much as I possibly can, not only to help myself cope, but also to really try to improve my life and maybe even be happy.

    I can honestly say that I cannot remember the last time that I was happy and I have really been doubting that I will ever be. I appreciate that everyone always throws ‘positive vibes’ at people in my situation (or sometimes annoying religious preaching) but I am not always sure that you can have a happy ending ☹
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    Hi Sam,

    You sound like you have yourself fairly well organised to try to make a positive difference to your life - I hope that it works for you. I do not know if there is 'always' a happy ending but there is, more often than not, a pathway to 'better'. I would recommend taking and sustaining whatever medication the doctor gives you, and if you find it is unhelpful talk to the doctor and get it changed. It took me five different types of med before I found something that I feel helps some.

    If you can get some therapy, do that too. I do not believe that "happy" is a destination - or in fact that humans are designed to be "happy" - I think that mostly okay with periods of good and shorter periods of genuinely happy is the best a person can really expect to have. I can't see any situation where anyone would be happy all of the time and the striving for that thing that does not exist is often the thing that makes people UNhappy.

    I hope that your efforts are rewarded with feeling better.

    Take care and stay safe :hug:
  3. fallen2far

    fallen2far Member

    I suggest downloading a movie called duck soup. It's black and white from the 40 from the Marx brothers but it is timeless. It usually gets a good laugh. If not that, I suggest Mel Brooks. ... spaceballs or blazing saddles.

    If you can appreciate a good musical, check out singing in the rain.

    Of The most recent movies to come out, Frozen or Wall E and the muppets.

    Basically, happy movies like comedies that make you laugh or good family movies are great conversation pieces and quite frankly, these movies are like visual prozac for me. Movies like shawshank redemption and pursuit of happiness are great as long as you watch the payoff scenes. Conversely life is beautiful and moulin rouge is best if you stop watching towards the end.
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