Last try

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ek012, Oct 30, 2011.

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  1. ek012

    ek012 Guest

    I'm too tired to post my entire story.

    But I tried killing myself last year and survived.

    Since then I've been reaching out for help...

    Psychiatrists... people who are only there conditionally... etc.

    I even walked myself into a hospital saying I wanted to kill myself and they let me out the day later.

    I thought of a fast and painless way that will guarantee death this time.

    And I'll most likely end up going through with it...

    I'm almost 24 years old and I've never been in a real relationship.

    I'm tired of living alone. I'm tired of feeling lonely. I'm tired of feeling unloved.

    I used to have hope ... but not anymore. I can't spend any more time alone. I can't get over the last girl that briefly came into my life and gave me all sorts of empty promises until she found another guy. I know it was me that pushed her away.

    I'm sick of myself. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't go outside. I can't do anything but lay in my bed praying for death to a God that I'm not even sure I believe in.

    Oh well. Here's my last shot at reaching out....
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Resident SF Sims Enthusiast Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am sorry you are feeling so bad. What is your life like socially? Do you suffer from anxieties etc? Do you have any friends you can just meet up for coffee with or something like that? Sometimes when I feel horrible and lonely I try to focus on the little things around such as cuddling my cats, reading, writing etc. It may sound silly but it gives me something to focus on, like a goal to give me each day so I feel I have a purpose xxxx
  3. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi Ek, and welcome to the forums.
    You can't eat, sleep or go out?
    why do you have trouble eating?
    do you have a sleeping disorder? im on good medication for that, im on zimovane,it works great, you should ask your doctor about him/her prescribing you something to help you sleep.There's nothing worse than not being able to sleep, I have been there, I know what it's like.
    why can't you go out? Do you have agoraphobia? I went through a phase in my life where I never left my house for years, it was horrible, i cant even explain how bad it was :( open up to us some more please, again is nice to meet you.
    Inmemoryofyou x
  4. ek012

    ek012 Guest

    Thank you for the replies. I came on because tomorrow is the 'big day'. I talked to the girl I fell in love with today... every day we're growing further and further apart. I just keep pushing her away. She told me she loved this other person and wants to be in a relationship with him, and told me she never sees us ever being in a relationship. This killed me. We've been talking together for close to 10 months now and we've grown close to each other. The first 2 months she confessed her love to me but I wasn't sure if I loved her yet... the day I confessed my love to her, she told me there was another person. Ever since then (the last 8 months or so), I've been trying to win her back but have been failing miserably. She knows I'm suicidal. She KNEW I was suicidal before and she KNEW what the last girl did to me... and yet despite all promises, she ended up doing the EXACT same thing. Replacing me like I'm disposable. We have so much in common, and yet she denies it. And this just keeps hurting me... Some days she days she likes me more than the other guy, but most days she doesn't. She still says she loves me, just not romantically. I am just so confused. I was so hurt today when she said we'd never be together (ever) I started breaking down... I have a tooth grinding problem (during sleep mainly) and I just grinded down my teeth so much out of anger. My teeth feel sharp and messed up. But it doesn't matter. I can't go on without her... I feel so lost and empty... I feel so betrayed... I've been betrayed pretty much all of my life by close friends... and I'm just SICK of it. I'm sick of never being good enough. In both my mind, and for other people. I've been told I was very good looking, but I don't see it. I hate myself too much. I just knew this girl would eventually leave me... it was my biggest fearm and then it ended up happening. I keep thinking that ever since I slit my wrists last year (and survived) that I actually woke up in hell. Ever day since has been getting worse and worse. I really regret not slitting my jugular... since then I tried ODing a few times... had quite a few hospital stays. Had two psychiatrists. One said this girl was destroying me... and then I ended up going to see a new psychiatrist (from one of my hosptial stays) so my main psychiatrist scheduled a termination meeting with me.... I got mad because I felt like she was abandoning me... so I never went. The new psychiatrist isolated my problem to social anxiety/phobia and ADD... so he gave me a bunch of meds (I already went through so many different combinations with my psych. before). Anyway, I was on an antidepressant, a bipolar med (he thought I may have been bipolar), a beta blocker to slow my heart rate down so I'd stop sweating, some type of sleep aid, and something else I don't even remember. I ended up <edited by Isabel- methods) while I was on the phone with this girl trying to find out who she loved more (she said at the time, that she loved us equally)... I ended up regretting the decision, forced myself to puke, and then stayed a night in the emergency with cardiologists on standby in case my heart stopped... It was a horrible experience. Seeing what I did to my family... feeling ashamed because it would have killed the girl I loved if I were to die.

    Fast forward to now (a few months later). I lost both psychiatrists and I just started an antidepressant (cymbalta) about a month ago. I ran outta meds a few days ago but haven't bothered scheduling a new appt. to get a refill.

    I just feel so HURT. I loved this girl so much.... I just can't believe that there is someone else in the picture. I got involved in a love triangle before (my only other relationship experience) and ended up losing out again....

    I just... I can't handle feeling so inferior. I never really fit in all my life, and it has always been a struggle for me. I just, I wish I had a gun to shoot myself with, I'd do it in a heartbeat and I wouldn't look back... And yeah, the no sleep has been HELL. I can't sleep at all (slept maybe an hour or two last 2 days) and now I'm dealing with this... We got into a fight and I told her that I never wanted to talk to her again (a lie) but at the same time... It's what I NEED to do... but I just can't.

    I'm planning on going to the train station tomorrow (walking out along the tracks), and forcing myself to drink some alcohol even though I despise it. I just feel like things are over between me and her... and before I met her, I was already struggling to find some sort of meaning or happiness... I don't enjoy doing anything anymore. I really am dead on the inside... I feel more comfortable going through with killing myself because I know she'll probably get over it despite her saying it would kill her. This new guy she's with that's so great and so much better than me ('different' as she says, but we all know that's just another word for a better match).... Anyway... I don't know... Earlier tonight I probably would have gone through with <edited by Isabel-methods>, but a childhoold friend called me... and it's been weeks since he has... so him calling at that very moment, was a little eerie. Last week I went to <edited by Isabel -methods> again so I went out by the river out in the middle of nowhere... and while I was waiting on that girl to call me (I told her how I was feeling) I realized she wasn't going to call so I went over the edge and started swallowing the pills. I then looked up, and there was a man in front of me... It scared the living daylights out of me. He stood there smiling... I swear on anything if he didn't show up, I would have ODed because I was getting ready to do it on impulse.

    Maybe another 'angel' can come to me tonight, or tomorrow. I broke my cell phone earlier today after getting into that fight... so tomorrow, I'm going to go to the train station... walk myself out, and I'm planning on doing the job. If something stops me, then so be it. I've lost all reason to live.

    And to answer the other Qs, and ugh, that same friend is calling me now but I don't even want to pick it up. I really do want to fucking die. But yeah, I have a lot of anxiety. I dropped out of university nearly 4 times already because I was too uncomfortable to sit in class. I'm pretty sure I'm introverted, but I'm just so lonely. So damn lonely... I want someone I can love in my life... I have no more friends left (aside from the one calling me now, and another one I don't do anything with) and this girl, but I'm starting to question whether or not she really cares. I'm in hell... ADD... and the phobia... not a good combination. And then I despise myself which doesn't help my confidence. I'm nearly 24 (my birthday is next month), and I'm still a virgin. It's depressing... And I feel very deprived. I also have a foot fetish... embarrassing... but it makes opening up to girls (sexually) even harder... that's why I liked this girl, because she actually liked it and didn't judge me for it... I just felt so comfortable with her. God... I also like younger girls... so the pig tail thing and acting young thing really turns me on... what she'd do for me all the time (when we flirted over the phone/sexted or emailed). She just... understood me and didn't judge me for it. And thought it was all kind of hot even though I hated myself for it and it would always get my conscience going (the acting younger thing).

    I love her so much. I find her gorgeous even though she hates how she looks. She's perfect to me. Not to mention, she's also a virgin and my same age... we promised our virginities to each other, but you can probably guess how that turned out.

    The thing is... we never even met in person yet. We met on a site called Experience Project, started exchanging emails, then started calling eachother and sending pics. After the first 2 months (when I found out about the other guy), we still flirted for months... Ugh, the first love of my life was a friends girlfriend in actual real life... I got into drugs (cocaine) and we ended up just doing drugs in secret with each other. I loved her, but never did anything with her because I couldn't do that behind my friends back. I liked her strictly as a friend... but the coke use (we were binging on close to 7 grams every second week) and doing the drugs in secret from my family, her boyfriend, and everyone else, really started to get to me... I eventually pushed her away, and that's when I tried to kill myself for the first time. I felt so alone. I really thought she was a friend. But honestly, the new girl that I haven't even met yet (the one I've been talking to for close to a year now), I actually LOVE her and I'm sexually attracted to her, something I wasn't with the girl before, despite her just using me for drugs... I'm naive... stupid... desperate.... and just lost. I trust people too much and always end up getting burned for it.

    I just can't handle being alone... I think God is punishing me... if he even exists... At this point, sometimes I want to die just to get some rest since I haven't been sleeping properly for months now (and my GP won't give me sleeping pills because she probably thinks I'll try to OD on them).

    Anyways, sorry for the extremely scattered post. I'm just... I want to make sure I get most of my story out before I try something drastic. I actually came to this site a year ago shortly after my suicide attempt and met a member on here that helped me out for awhile (Bambi, know her?). Anyways, she disappeared, but she introduced me to a website called Experience Project, which is where I met this girl close to half a year later, and since then, it's just been a rollercoaster ride. I should have avoided any relationships because of how depressed I was... but she really forced her way in and wanted to help me... I even wanted to break things off with her, but she wouldn't let me....

    Fuck my life... I really wish I wasn't so goddamn weak. I wish I didn't need a girl to give me any sense of meaning in life. I wish I was strong on my own like I used to be before all of this craziness, drug use, my life spiraling out of control... the suicide attempts. I wish I can just restart my life, or go back in time and I would have treated this girl better without trying to push her away all the time because of me thinking I wasn't good enough. Well heh, I got my wish I guess.

    I already miss her so goddamn much...
    Last edited: Nov 3, 2011
  5. Msirae

    Msirae New Member

    You should try to focus on something positive, it might sound harsh but what you wish could have happened isn't something you can do anything about. Try to change what you CAN change, which is alot, right here and now.
  6. ek012

    ek012 Guest

    Ah it's alright. No one gives a shit. It's something I learned while I was on this planet.

    I'll have a face to face go God tomorrow and he'll decide whether or not I belong in Heaven or Hell
  7. mulberrypie

    mulberrypie Well-Known Member

    we care, ek012. i'm sorry you're in so much pain. please don't do anything drastic.
  8. ek012

    ek012 Guest

    IT RAINED! Kind of sad how that stopped me from doing ANYTHING today. I at least want to go with some comfort. But right now I don't even care about that... I just hate how it's ME who keeps screwing things up. WHY do I sabotage myself so MUCH?! How do I start out again with nothing? I pushed everyone that once cared away... Even my own family doesn't give a shit if I decide to go jump off a bridge. My own mom told me to go kill myself just a few weeks ago... Would it make everyone happy?!!!!
  9. feelsoalone

    feelsoalone Member


    are you still there? i tried to PM you but it didnt work ??

    im here for you if you want to chat, i know that it is hard but im here to listen to you :)

    hang in there :)

  10. clairedelune

    clairedelune Well-Known Member

    Things will be alright. I know, this phrase never gets old. But somehow, once in a particular person's life, really, things get better. :hug:
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