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#1
Warning long
As far back as I can remember I have have always felt alone, no close friends family that I feel like tolerated me. Was always picked on as a kid etc etc. had a mother who was verbally, mentally and physically abusive ( spanked a lot), was labeled as a “problem child in school” yet have been tested with an almost genius IQ. Was sexual abused as an adolescent with emotional abuse and control well into my twenties. My grandmother was more of a mother to me than my biological mother. On my second marriage. First marriage I was very verbally, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Lasted less than a year. Second marriage has lasted 31 years with a lot of the same abuse from me in the beginning. Was arrested for it and learned to be a better person. Raised 2 children to adulthood. And still all this time I felt and still feel alone. Feel unloved. Looking through out my life I have only truly loved 3 women with all my heart and soul. First was my grandmother, second a friend who helped as best as she could through all the abuse as a teen and adolescent, Side note I lost contact with her after the birth of my first child due to the jealousy of my wife. Third person was my first wife.
I know that my abuse with her was the reason why we are not together. ( she got married shortly after our divorce had a child with him and left because of the same type of abuse. I feel like I started that pattern with her. She has changed her name married another woman) typical change to coincide with abusive male relationships.
All three of these women have always been the most dearest relationships in my heart and soul.
I have recently reconnected with number 2 but I still have severe remorse for not being there for her when she needed the friend she was to me when we were younger.
I can’t get over the feeling of regret and being alone even when I’m in the near my wife I feel alone and unloved. Medications don’t really help those that I can take.
I work a full time job and get by as best as I can emotionally.
But I am so so tired of feeling alone and that I am not allowed any happiness.
I have seriously looked back thru my life and listed all the times I have ever felt happy. They are few and far between. This list was written down.
Counciling has never been helpful because of my trust issues with my feelings and emotions.
Shared them with the so called professionals and been bitten in the arse.
I have tried to kill my self 8 different times.
But the universe won’t allow me to succeed.
I feel like I’m doomed to suffer till my last day on this earth.
I just want all the pain and hurt and sorrow and guilt and pain that I have caused others to go away.
my head hurts and I wish it would just explode.
I’m looking for another way to end it all.
<Mod edit - method>
Sorry to bother anyone with this rant just needed to get it off my chest before I finally <mod edit>
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#2
Hi there, welcome to SF. We're glad you're here to talk. Sounds like a lot of rocky stuff going on with you at the moment. A lot of people come here after feeling bad for a really long time but some of them keep coming here for very long periods of time because they get a sense of community from others who "get it". Maybe you'll also find that here. I hope you stick around and see what the site has to offer you in terms of support.

matt
 

MosesY

Recovering Alcoholic
SF Supporter
#4
I understand what you are going through with regrets from the past, I have some of my own. I planned on ending my life twice now and was hospitalized twice. I hope you keep talking here, talk out your troubles, I care about you.
 

Lara_C

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#5
I feel like I’m doomed to suffer till my last day on this earth.
I just want all the pain and hurt and sorrow and guilt and pain that I have caused others to go away.
We are with you now to share what you're going through because we know how hard it is to keep going. We are here to tell you that you can get through it and leave the bitter past behind. You've made the first step by sharing here. Welcome @Lost and alone 1968
 
#7
Warning long
As far back as I can remember I have have always felt alone, no close friends family that I feel like tolerated me. Was always picked on as a kid etc etc. had a mother who was verbally, mentally and physically abusive ( spanked a lot), was labeled as a “problem child in school” yet have been tested with an almost genius IQ. Was sexual abused as an adolescent with emotional abuse and control well into my twenties. My grandmother was more of a mother to me than my biological mother. On my second marriage. First marriage I was very verbally, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Lasted less than a year. Second marriage has lasted 31 years with a lot of the same abuse from me in the beginning. Was arrested for it and learned to be a better person. Raised 2 children to adulthood. And still all this time I felt and still feel alone. Feel unloved. Looking through out my life I have only truly loved 3 women with all my heart and soul. First was my grandmother, second a friend who helped as best as she could through all the abuse as a teen and adolescent, Side note I lost contact with her after the birth of my first child due to the jealousy of my wife. Third person was my first wife.
I know that my abuse with her was the reason why we are not together. ( she got married shortly after our divorce had a child with him and left because of the same type of abuse. I feel like I started that pattern with her. She has changed her name married another woman) typical change to coincide with abusive male relationships.
All three of these women have always been the most dearest relationships in my heart and soul.
I have recently reconnected with number 2 but I still have severe remorse for not being there for her when she needed the friend she was to me when we were younger.
I can’t get over the feeling of regret and being alone even when I’m in the near my wife I feel alone and unloved. Medications don’t really help those that I can take.
I work a full time job and get by as best as I can emotionally.
But I am so so tired of feeling alone and that I am not allowed any happiness.
I have seriously looked back thru my life and listed all the times I have ever felt happy. They are few and far between. This list was written down.
Counciling has never been helpful because of my trust issues with my feelings and emotions.
Shared them with the so called professionals and been bitten in the arse.
I have tried to kill my self 8 different times.
But the universe won’t allow me to succeed.
I feel like I’m doomed to suffer till my last day on this earth.
I just want all the pain and hurt and sorrow and guilt and pain that I have caused others to go away.
my head hurts and I wish it would just explode.
I’m looking for another way to end it all.
<Mod edit - method>
Sorry to bother anyone with this rant just needed to get it off my chest before I finally <mod edit>
No sire, you are not alone. So many of us are in this situation. I can guarantee you, every stranger you come across and if you know their stories each of them could be so unique that Hollywood can make a movie out of it. We are all nothing but a bundle of walking memories.

But really are we just our memories? I just wrote this as a response to someone else. I am copying it here because I feel it is so relevant here as well. People can try and give you council and therapy and lets say even fix every situation in your life, do you think you will be eternally happy? I don't think so. Because there is no such thing as permanence. The demand for permanence in every area of our existence is a cause of human misery. Having said that, please see my response below and dont loose hope:

Why? That is a great question that has been bothering mankind for millennia. See, the more you dig into it the more it becomes apparent that life has no meaning. Maybe it is never supposed to have any meaning. Looking for a meaning is the thing that takes you away from what life is. The body you have is unapparelled in nature. It is like a finger print. Not two are the same. It is an extraordinarily intelligent organism and it never asks the question "why".

It is your thought that wants to analyze and figure out what life is. What is a thought? Where do our thoughts come from? Surprisingly if you look deeper, you will realize that everything you think you are is a thought. Your past experiences, conditioning etc etc. Thought likes to hold on to the past and always projects the future based on it. It wants eternal happiness without one moment on unhappiness. It is a protective mechanism which wants all, and if it doesn't get what it wants then it wants destruction. Even if it gets what it wants, it wants that to last forever. It wants permanence. But surprise surprise, there is no such thing as permanence in nature. The only thing permanent is the life energy (which we will get to in a bit)

This same thought functions exactly the same way from micro (singular, you) to Macro (world wide)

Here's where this game of life becomes a cosmic joke. The actual reality is, the thoughts that dictate your life and consume tremendous amount of your energy is actually not you. What you are is just pure life energy. Like an animal out there, which never asks the question what the meaning of life is. It just functions from moment to moment. It does not care or think about what society thinks or does for it. The human organism has almost no needs. The only things it needs is shelter and food. Even food doesn't have to be fancy. And reproduction, not as a means of pleasure but as a means to reproduce itself just like any other living organism.

The entire universe and all its contents are one unitary movement. You are not separate from things around you. I am not saying some romantic stuff. It is the fact. Its your thought that gives you an illusion of separation. Why do you think people look at astronomy to predict ones future? It is because the planetary movements and all living organisms are one unitary movement. These bodies are hijacked by this knowledge, conditioning and bundle of memories which all center around a "self Image" and that's all that is, an image. Not real.

So the reason all religions are against suicide is because, when you are taking your life, it is your thought/ "fear" a dead thing taking away something living. How this illusion of separation happened which is also known as "Self consciousness" is anybody's guess.

Truly, really nature does not see any distinction between you or the people responsible for your misery. It is one singular unit. Your thoughts are "materials" non living, the bodies have a natural clock and when the clock runs out, they breakdown in their constitutional elements and continue to feed other forms of life in the soil. For nature there is no such thing as death!

The question is then what really are you? The real you is that true intelligence that beats your heart without you thinking, makes this body work like clockwork. It is the pure energy of life. And that energy has no beginning nor end.

Understand this, don't take my word. Go out research it, then it will hit you that how extremely silly all our life's so called problems are. They mean nothing. Because they are nothing.

Once you get this, then you will not try to live life, neither will you try to be happy. Your psychological fear will fade away. You will function harmoniously with the things around you, not with any agenda, but because you know the truth. Once this happens life takes place. Once you let go off all desires and function harmoniously with the people around you, you'd be surprise then how things will start falling in your lap.

Let go of trying to live life or understand life. The one that is asking all these questions is the thing that's taking us away from it. Wish you best!
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#8
Warning long
As far back as I can remember I have have always felt alone, no close friends family that I feel like tolerated me. Was always picked on as a kid etc etc. had a mother who was verbally, mentally and physically abusive ( spanked a lot), was labeled as a “problem child in school” yet have been tested with an almost genius IQ. Was sexual abused as an adolescent with emotional abuse and control well into my twenties. My grandmother was more of a mother to me than my biological mother. On my second marriage. First marriage I was very verbally, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Lasted less than a year. Second marriage has lasted 31 years with a lot of the same abuse from me in the beginning. Was arrested for it and learned to be a better person. Raised 2 children to adulthood. And still all this time I felt and still feel alone. Feel unloved. Looking through out my life I have only truly loved 3 women with all my heart and soul. First was my grandmother, second a friend who helped as best as she could through all the abuse as a teen and adolescent, Side note I lost contact with her after the birth of my first child due to the jealousy of my wife. Third person was my first wife.
I know that my abuse with her was the reason why we are not together. ( she got married shortly after our divorce had a child with him and left because of the same type of abuse. I feel like I started that pattern with her. She has changed her name married another woman) typical change to coincide with abusive male relationships.
All three of these women have always been the most dearest relationships in my heart and soul.
I have recently reconnected with number 2 but I still have severe remorse for not being there for her when she needed the friend she was to me when we were younger.
I can’t get over the feeling of regret and being alone even when I’m in the near my wife I feel alone and unloved. Medications don’t really help those that I can take.
I work a full time job and get by as best as I can emotionally.
But I am so so tired of feeling alone and that I am not allowed any happiness.
I have seriously looked back thru my life and listed all the times I have ever felt happy. They are few and far between. This list was written down.
Counciling has never been helpful because of my trust issues with my feelings and emotions.
Shared them with the so called professionals and been bitten in the arse.
I have tried to kill my self 8 different times.
But the universe won’t allow me to succeed.
I feel like I’m doomed to suffer till my last day on this earth.
I just want all the pain and hurt and sorrow and guilt and pain that I have caused others to go away.
my head hurts and I wish it would just explode.
I’m looking for another way to end it all.
<Mod edit - method>
Sorry to bother anyone with this rant just needed to get it off my chest before I finally <mod edit>
Hey Lost and alone, we as humans blow it sometimes. I was actually the abuser in my past relationships and I am a woman. I was very violent, and I was out of control. I am glad to hear that you recognize the pattern you were in, because you can stop the cycle. You may not be able to get back with your wife, but you can still sincerely apologize. You need that closure and so does she. You’re alive for a reason, and even if you don’t know the direction you want to take, you can always reconcile with the people you have wronged in your life. Take advantage of the days you are given. You have them for a reason.
 
#9
Hey Lost and alone, we as humans blow it sometimes. I was actually the abuser in my past relationships and I am a woman. I was very violent, and I was out of control. I am glad to hear that you recognize the pattern you were in, because you can stop the cycle. You may not be able to get back with your wife, but you can still sincerely apologize. You need that closure and so does she. You’re alive for a reason, and even if you don’t know the direction you want to take, you can always reconcile with the people you have wronged in your life. Take advantage of the days you are given. You have them for a reason.
I don’t have a problem with admitting my faults or wrongs. But it makes very hard when a little thing called free will won’t allow you to at least apologize.
 
#10
Also be clear my first wife and I haven’t spoken or had contact in over 30 years. My second wife I am still married to. My current wife holds it against me about my previous abusive behavior and infidelity.
wich in turn doesn’t make it any easier.
BTW I am over 50 years old.
 

Daphna

Ninja of light
#12
Also be clear my first wife and I haven’t spoken or had contact in over 30 years. My second wife I am still married to. My current wife holds it against me about my previous abusive behavior and infidelity.
wich in turn doesn’t make it any easier.
BTW I am over 50 years old.
I can understand why she is angry with you. At the same time it sounds like you are trying to change, or did I misunderstand your post?
 
#14
I can understand why she is angry with you. At the same time it sounds like you are trying to change, or did I misunderstand your post?
Yes I have learned how to behave differently.
And use different coping skills.
But when someone won’t let you be different than used to be. It makes it very hard to keep that positive attitude. Not being an abuser is just as hard as not being an alcoholic it’s the same kind of mental addiction. And yes I have had this discussion with many mental health professionals. I have to work very hard every day to keep at not being the person I was.
 
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