Warning long
As far back as I can remember I have have always felt alone, no close friends family that I feel like tolerated me. Was always picked on as a kid etc etc. had a mother who was verbally, mentally and physically abusive ( spanked a lot), was labeled as a “problem child in school” yet have been tested with an almost genius IQ. Was sexual abused as an adolescent with emotional abuse and control well into my twenties. My grandmother was more of a mother to me than my biological mother. On my second marriage. First marriage I was very verbally, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Lasted less than a year. Second marriage has lasted 31 years with a lot of the same abuse from me in the beginning. Was arrested for it and learned to be a better person. Raised 2 children to adulthood. And still all this time I felt and still feel alone. Feel unloved. Looking through out my life I have only truly loved 3 women with all my heart and soul. First was my grandmother, second a friend who helped as best as she could through all the abuse as a teen and adolescent, Side note I lost contact with her after the birth of my first child due to the jealousy of my wife. Third person was my first wife.
I know that my abuse with her was the reason why we are not together. ( she got married shortly after our divorce had a child with him and left because of the same type of abuse. I feel like I started that pattern with her. She has changed her name married another woman) typical change to coincide with abusive male relationships.
All three of these women have always been the most dearest relationships in my heart and soul.
I have recently reconnected with number 2 but I still have severe remorse for not being there for her when she needed the friend she was to me when we were younger.
I can’t get over the feeling of regret and being alone even when I’m in the near my wife I feel alone and unloved. Medications don’t really help those that I can take.
I work a full time job and get by as best as I can emotionally.
But I am so so tired of feeling alone and that I am not allowed any happiness.
I have seriously looked back thru my life and listed all the times I have ever felt happy. They are few and far between. This list was written down.
Counciling has never been helpful because of my trust issues with my feelings and emotions.
Shared them with the so called professionals and been bitten in the arse.
I have tried to kill my self 8 different times.
But the universe won’t allow me to succeed.
I feel like I’m doomed to suffer till my last day on this earth.
I just want all the pain and hurt and sorrow and guilt and pain that I have caused others to go away.
my head hurts and I wish it would just explode.
I’m looking for another way to end it all.
<Mod edit - method>
Sorry to bother anyone with this rant just needed to get it off my chest before I finally <mod edit>
As far back as I can remember I have have always felt alone, no close friends family that I feel like tolerated me. Was always picked on as a kid etc etc. had a mother who was verbally, mentally and physically abusive ( spanked a lot), was labeled as a “problem child in school” yet have been tested with an almost genius IQ. Was sexual abused as an adolescent with emotional abuse and control well into my twenties. My grandmother was more of a mother to me than my biological mother. On my second marriage. First marriage I was very verbally, physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. Lasted less than a year. Second marriage has lasted 31 years with a lot of the same abuse from me in the beginning. Was arrested for it and learned to be a better person. Raised 2 children to adulthood. And still all this time I felt and still feel alone. Feel unloved. Looking through out my life I have only truly loved 3 women with all my heart and soul. First was my grandmother, second a friend who helped as best as she could through all the abuse as a teen and adolescent, Side note I lost contact with her after the birth of my first child due to the jealousy of my wife. Third person was my first wife.
I know that my abuse with her was the reason why we are not together. ( she got married shortly after our divorce had a child with him and left because of the same type of abuse. I feel like I started that pattern with her. She has changed her name married another woman) typical change to coincide with abusive male relationships.
All three of these women have always been the most dearest relationships in my heart and soul.
I have recently reconnected with number 2 but I still have severe remorse for not being there for her when she needed the friend she was to me when we were younger.
I can’t get over the feeling of regret and being alone even when I’m in the near my wife I feel alone and unloved. Medications don’t really help those that I can take.
I work a full time job and get by as best as I can emotionally.
But I am so so tired of feeling alone and that I am not allowed any happiness.
I have seriously looked back thru my life and listed all the times I have ever felt happy. They are few and far between. This list was written down.
Counciling has never been helpful because of my trust issues with my feelings and emotions.
Shared them with the so called professionals and been bitten in the arse.
I have tried to kill my self 8 different times.
But the universe won’t allow me to succeed.
I feel like I’m doomed to suffer till my last day on this earth.
I just want all the pain and hurt and sorrow and guilt and pain that I have caused others to go away.
my head hurts and I wish it would just explode.
I’m looking for another way to end it all.
<Mod edit - method>
Sorry to bother anyone with this rant just needed to get it off my chest before I finally <mod edit>
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