Last year's suicide attempt after death of best friend

I am not sure if i can c/p a news link or not, so Ill just play it safe and not do it. Last year, My best friend sense I was 11 (I am 22 now..male) Steve died in a drunk driving accident. He was severely intoxicated and fell asleep at the wheel, over corrected and hit a tree doing an estimated 70mph and died on impact (that is what i was told by the state police).

October 5th of this year marks the one year mark of losing my best friend....shit..to be honest my only friend. 4 days after Steve died I was living alone at the time in a rental house in the middle of no where, using marijuana and drinking frequently. Depressed over my job loss a month prior, and now this....I had had enough. This all transpired just 4 days after Steve died. I planned it, I wrote everyone in my family i loved a note. (just my two brothers and my younger sister and my mother) I am not close with my father as he was very physically abusive to me as a child. I having just turned 21 a few months prior had an immense amount of alcohol in my home. I'm talkin' like 8-12 full fifths of hard liquor and probably two or three twenty four packs of beer. Tonight was going to be the night I remember thinking. I started drinking, I had bought a breathalyser online some months back just for fun. All i remember is the brand name was BacTrac. Or something like that. I began to drink beer, then soon switched to a blueberry flavored vodka. I had not used the Breathalyzer yet but estimated my bac to be around .15ish. I put the half empty fifth, and my letters to loved ones on the passenger side of my 2002 jeep chrokee around 12am and drove to a secluded area. It LOOKED secluded but i later found out i was only about a quarter mile into a huge wide open field. I figured at the time it would be a few days before my body was found. I drank a little more then took a breath test, .23 I tossed it out my drivers side window, light a cigarette. <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> I in the past had mixed <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> and blacked out hard only taking <Mod Edit, WildCherry: Methods> within a few hours would surely kill me. I remember thinking i was not afraid, in fact. I wanted death badly. I wanted to see my friend, i wanted the pain to be over. I did not think about anyone but myself, It was what Jason wanted (me) and i did not care about the aftermath. I CRAVED death. I want it to happen now and I did not want to wait. I lit one more cigarette and then thats all i remember. This is what happened, or at least what i was told. I was found unconscious laying on the hood of my jeep clutching a watch Steve had left at my house covered in vomit, i became combatant with the person who stopped to check on me around dawn (around 6am) and threatened the guy claiming I had a gun (which i did not..once again, this is what i was TOLD) the police were called (now i remember NONE of this) I got into my jeep and drove down the field further then got out leaving it in drive, cursing up and down...it wasn't going anywhere it was stuck in deep mud. I got out and fell into the mud where an officer picked me up, handcuffed me and called a state police helicopter to rush me to the ER after discovering what was in my truck's passenger seat.

I was released from the hospital two days later. Only remembering driving to the field and lighting that last cigarette just before the black out came on and i dont know what happened or what i did in those 6 hours prior to someone finding me. Well...thats my story...

I do not take any medication at all now, sense his death I have self harmed myself, never stopped drinking, and am now living with my younger sister. She hates that I drink but I find it the only way to escape and forget a little how much I miss Steve and how damn important he was to me.

 

Hun i am sorry for your loss of your friend Perhaps in his memory you could go in and get help and get off alcohol okay it is what took him. He would not want to see you suffering and using the alcohol to rid yourself of pain. Your have your sister who loves you seek out professioanal help okay to heal the sadness inside and to get you on a different path one without alcohol hugs

 

A friend of mine drank himself to death, and used drugs also - think it was the drugs finally killed him. He was suffering from an illness which meant drink and drugs were a severe risk - he took the risk, died, and that is about that.

Your friend was unlucky - but I've lost someone from a speeding driver (may have been drunk also)

At least when someone dies of an accident by their own hand, it lessens the impact of the death itself. Had he killed someone, maybe you'd find it hard to forgive that - I know I would.

Even so, poor kid was young, we all do stupid things and most of us live afterwards to see the error of our ways.

All you can do to honour this friend is to live how he would have wanted you to live. A true friend forgives, you can pray for him now he is gone, but don't get caught up in battle against depression in which its just you versus the world. Never helps bro - the world can be a good place also - its just the way we perceive it that makes it seem to dark we want to escape with drink, drugs, pot, distancing ourselves from the people who might help us and who care for us.

Don't get me wrong, people use drink and drugs and it causes less problems than some of this legal stuff that docs admit is a toss of the coin. It is when it becomes self destructive that you have to take stock of what you are using substances for.

If its for a bit of fun, to unwind, that might be fine, but if its to escape, I guess that's got to be wrong as it's people who we need around us when we are well.

Your friend would be your age now and his advice would be for you to settle down, get help with the depression and stay off the booze when you are feeling down.

He would have wanted you to have a women - maybe a family - hopefully to have some line of work you like - or work with people who are good to work with. Real work mates. He would not want to see you like this - I know because no matter how down I am I'm happy as hell for the people I know who have some happiness n their lives. I might not feel that happiness but you know what I mean.

Hope it comes your way soon bro - it will happen but you really got to make an effort yourself, get some help and open up a little more to your sister and family.

This can be dealt with - in fact, the easiest way to fail is to not get help and try and start your own motivation programme.

And we ain't got the motivation to do that!