Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ~PinkElephants~, Oct 26, 2007.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    When I'm alone (which is most often) I have been fantasizing. Fantasizing about how I could die, how I should die, when, etc. The fantasies have been stronger lately, more persistent, like my body is yearning to just go. I know that sounds odd and I don't know how to explain it at all. I just keep seeing myself fading, disappearing, and knowing deep in my heart that it would barely scratch the surface of caring. People would notice sure for what would be like a week, but after that like all things it fades. The memory, the who I was fades.

    I can't control the thoughts much anymore, they just come and go. I can be awake and I'll think about it or I can be asleep and I dream about it. It all seems so peaceful, so serene, so final. I don't know how much that matters to anyone, but what matters is that I'm scared. I'm scared to be alone in my own mind. I keep watching movies and blasting music so to drown out the thoughts but they just scream louder. They are more persistent. I know I need help, I know this so much, but there's little help one can get with no job, no health insurance and no money. Good ol' U.S. of A.

    I want them out of my head, I want to be happy but it all seems so fuckin' pointless. I'm drowning and I can't seem to find the will to get up and fight off the thoughts. I just have no energy left. I'm sorry.

  2. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    hun, i'm here for you. add me on msn and we can talk anytime.
    i'm in the same boat you are with the thoughts and it sucks.
    there has to be some clinic where you live that handles psych troubles.
    i just moved and i am already hooked up with a clinic here.
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I dont know where to look anymore. I dont know who to talk to, who to trust, who to turn to. No one here knows or even sees for that matter. Im a shadow in my own home. I do not exist. I am merely a person bying time before her end.
  4. jcat

    jcat Staff Alumni

    you are worth the caring. i know the feelings of emptiness, and all that, take care and be safe.
    talk to me if you want, i'm here for you
  5. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    kellz your a worth the support and care, we all need someone to lean on hun we all humans here. Please try to tc hun you know where to find me :hug:
  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I won't ask for to talk to ppl. I won't ask for help. It's beyond my grasp or beyond my understanding. I don't feel I deserve help so i destroy myself to feel some worth. I know where to find ppl to talk but it's easier to bury it all down than to talk. It's easier to just let go than to tell someone I'm not okay and then tell them why. I feel lost. I feel broken. most of all I feel like a whore.
  7. saeyoon Chung

    saeyoon Chung Well-Known Member

    Hi? Kelly (Kanani).. I feel sorry for all the pain you're living through..

    fantasizing about death.. I know that feeling.(can't believe I can actually relate my 'secret' feelings to a lot of people here)
    I agree with what you described.

    Serene.. peaceful sky, sunshine reflecting on the river creating sparkles on the ripples. Death doesn't seem to remind me of smell of rotting flesh.
    (But) To me, it's more like an escapade.. just slip through the magic curtain and disappear.. forever.
    Sometimes I feel it strongly in the heart, but I fight back, I don't want to die at 22.

    But.. instead of focusing on suicide, fantasize about "what ifs." What if you're everything what you desired to be..?
    imagine that.. just imagine. Imagine you're your OWN God, being able to do anything you put your mind to.
    imagine yourself being with the love of your life.

    You don't have to dismiss it as a joke, shake the thought off and say "F-U, it will never happen anyway!"

    Just visualize yourself having all you desire, so focused, you can almost touch them when you close your eyes.

    It's a much healthier fantasy to have, plus it'll give you more motivations and new short-term goals for you to set.

    It's very hard to become positive when you've been negative all along, as was the case of me. I've been negative in every way in life for my entire 22 years. I was emotionally drained the whole week just because of how negative my attitude was towards my life.(me feeling ugly,wasted,useless,lonely.. lazy is a big one.)

    Here's a good quote for all of us.

    "Contemplate youself being surrounded by the conditions which you want to produce." by Dr. Wayne Dyer.

    Try to make your thoughts work to your advantage..
    We can choose what to think for ourselves..

    I live in Winterpeg, Canada, we have great healthcare, but also mountains of tax. So.. everything comes with a (hefty) price tag after all.

    I hope you don't give up just yet..

    Smile.. and have a great weekend~!
  8. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You know where I am Kells :hug:
  9. sarahg

    sarahg Well-Known Member

    hey kan
    in ur own pain u reached out to me to help-i will never forget that
    kan im here,as all that have answered .... lean on us
    i look up to u (hope u taller then 5ft 7 :lol) but u have an awesome presence,
    a powerful 1 that is a magnet to all that wants to feel that way,but u have to know when u feeling low we all here to surround u in love and friendship
    kan being strong is exhausting my love,so we here to bounce off-omg im a bouncy castle
    can i say can terry be the bouncy castle please :lol:
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