Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Nocturnal Ponderer, Jan 3, 2009.

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  1. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    I seem to be profoundly deep, very sensitive, not in a "cry at the ruined dessert" way, but more in a way where I am touched deeply at so many things both positive and negative. For example, a simple piece of classical music can take me to places where hope will flow through my veins. Or I love discovering the many layers of wit in a particular poem. A female friend just showed me a picture of herself of when she was a child and she was hugging a big toy dog and she had a beaming smile. This provoked massive feelings of protection, sensitivity and intense emotion. Whenever I see a picture of a child with something such as a cute stuffed toy, or pictures of sheep on their clothes, or something so innocent, it provokes very powerful feelings.

    As well as this, it also has negative consequences. I'm extremely vulnerable to pain. I remember one particular break up I had three years ago which turned me into a hollow non being. I spent months off work and it really scared me. It was only a six month fling too. This happened twice more over the following eighteen months and as a result I have this huge fear of women. They kept screwing me over mentally and with infidelity. This sensitivity has wider consequences. It means I am very anxious a lot of the time and I have this severe twitch which is manifested as more of a jerk, in my neck, up to six hundred times per hour. No meds can even half suppress it. It is ruining my life, and as for dating, forget it right now. I can't sit too long in one spot unless I'm entirely on my own. I'm happiest on my own. I drove across America in a Ford Mustang from San Fran to New York entirely on my own, over a period of a month, and I never felt happier. Being alone helps suppress it. I haven't dated in nearly two years and feel strangely good about it.

    I have many problems. I despise consumerism, corporation and propoganda. I feel I see behind everything and how we're all being manipulated and fooled to suit the bodies who have the real power. I despise the way we're patronised with advertisments. I loath the way we're manipulated with psychological tactics that only serve as to fuel a great drive of spending. I loath the media and the image obsessed society. I hate the neurosis that strikes virtually everybody at the heart because of the message that is pumped out to us to buy now, keep up, don't fall behind.
    My bigger problem is the alienation I feel that nobody I know seems to feel it as deeply as me.
    I have refused, regardless of consequences, even facing ostracisation if need be, to take part, even in the tiniest way in Christmas. I see it as phoney, insincere and over rated. I feel as if people only give to appease their own guilt. I just cannot. I will not cave to the peer pressure nor the media fuel. The same goes for any other celebration which seems to have set itself in stone in the social calendar. I will, however, spontaneously buy a gift for somebody at any time of the year if I feel like it.

    With regards to the horribe women I've been romantically involved with, it still never ceases to amaze me the immaturity, the stark immaturity of some people. The selfishness, the lack of awareness of other people purely for their own gain. To me, this is the very ugly face of humanity.

    I just feel so alienated from society and feel as if I'm living in amongst a world of air headed phoney robots who conform to whatever it is they have to conform to and as a result I flit between massive drives of ambition, for example, I start uni next year, through to flirtatious dances with the notion of suicide. This is selfish, and I won't be doing it until I'm probably very old, but the whole fantasy of killing myself is becoming stronger. I don't want the constant struggles anymore, the constant twitching which leaves me in lots of discomfort and pain. I don't want to have to go at ten times the pace we were naturally designed for. I see misery etched into every fucking face I see, but it's ok, because their material possesions and their bad face jobs, their six packs and their false breasts make up for it. Watch this until the message at the one minute mark. This'll show you how fucked up things have become. There is so much more to this, I could write one thousand times as much as this but I can't, not here. Thank you for reading.

    Buy now, keep up, don't fall behind.........
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 3, 2009
  2. soliloquise

    soliloquise Well-Known Member

    i totally relate to this. there are still some non shallow deep thinkers out there tho... trick is to find them. it is hard work. just wanted you to know you are not alone
  3. CrowsCounted

    CrowsCounted Member

    i think i can relate with you on the pictures and music bringing up very strong emotions. personally i feel very disconnected in situations where most people feel happiness or sadness. on two particular occasions though, one was seeing a picture of myself when i was a child, the other was hearing the music to a kids movie called the snowman that i used to watch all the time when i was young. i think that they reminded me of times in my life before i began to feel the sadness, or rather the general emptiness that comes with depression. i think i may share some of your frustration with people who dont think as deeply as you, its hard to connect with people when they can't understand where your coming from. on that line of thinking however, getting to know people who can understand you or at least understand how to listen and learn is all that much better because of all the people who cant. it has helped me to identify those people who are worth keeping in my life:smile:
  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    You have really good writing skills that I wish I had, it's like everything in my mind being plotted out in words. Nice writing.

    Anyways, my point is your topic relates almost identically to my life except the travelling across America. I see life like you, like some beautiful lie, some sick game made of only winners and losers, where everything is determined, when you can't be pure and natural to yourself and must conform to survive and if not die from falling behind.

    Even like you, I can't find myself believing in 'true' love anymore, or whatever love is anymore to people. I find it hard to believe people can truely care about another random being just because he/she looks appealing to one. Like you, I see insincere people, people that say things just to get what they want. People want more, more than the numbing existence, just more and more. Consumerism in the world, is just so sad.

    ... I was just about to write more but then I realized of how much a hypocrite I am.

    Depressing to me it is.
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you seen a shrink about maybe being bipolar? You sound as if you have some of the traits to it. The ups and downs, The spur of the moment spending money, and more I don't remember. Just a thought you might want to consider..~Joseph~
  6. jonstark

    jonstark Well-Known Member

    Nocturnal Ponderer, you're an all right kid and I identify with you... And not for the first time.
    Try to relax a bit, it will be difficult, but seriously, try to compromise just a bit!
  7. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member


    Welcome to reality - it sucks!

    The only way you will find peace within yourself is if you learn to accept that life is not an easy ride, you will always come across ignorance, greed, commercialism, yada yada. That you can see through it all surely means you have a better chance than most of having a more fulfilling and meaningful life?

    As for your relationships with women - rather than looking at what they did to you it may be helpful to look at yourself first. Look for patterns in your behaviour; what draws me to these women in the first place? What is it in my behaviour that may send signals to certain women that they can mistreat/hurt me? Where could it derive from? If you understand yourself better, then you make even more informed choices than before.

    Actually - I could think of worse examples of youtube videos to illustrate your point, because that one is actually a campaign from a major cosmetics brand attacking the role of photoshop in distorting our perception of beauty- which I think is quite good, don't you? I know you'll be thinking 'it's still advertising, I can't believe that Dove wouldn't use any airbrushing in its campaigns and it's still out for profit' etc - but it's about trying to achieve a balance. Focussing on the positive, whilst being aware of the negative. It's doesn't mean you're lowering yourself to the level of the ignorant consumer masses either. We sensitive souls tend to over-think things anyway so it wouldn't be a bad thing to just give ourselves a break! Otherwise you'll just spend your life being angry at everything - that's the bottom line!

    As for your pain - has it been diagnosed? Because if drugs aren't working, maybe you can help cure it yourself. I could be completely wrong of course but have you thought that this pain could be a manifestation of your anger?
  8. Nocturnal Ponderer

    Nocturnal Ponderer Well-Known Member

    You wouldn't be the first to suggest this.

    I know the video was a campaign against what it showed, but to clear up any confusion, I showed it to highlight a comment which flashes up at the one minute mark. After one minute, the rest of the footage can be disregarded.

    d-pressed, when you say this...
    This is the problem. I did do this, and every avenue I turned in my questioning only served to pose two more questions, and so it went on. Today, I am even more confused and frustrated. I took it really far and went into philosophy. I am currently taking steps to study psychology on a degree level, purely for my own interest. I just can't seem to help it.

    I'm not looking for the meaning of life, but, to comprehensively understand myself is a task beyond possibility. The reason is as is stated above. Every question solved raises two more, and I've been so introspected my whole life it is sending me mad.

    I just feel I'm going mad. I don't chase what everybody else is chasing. I'm going for something deeper, and more spiritual (not to be confused with religious) but paradoxiacally seeming to become more detached from myself the more I try to understand myself.

    It is the impossibility of the human condition, peoples ignorance and apathy of what is happening to them, the surveilllance society with constant scrutiny and invasion of privacy, greed, distorted perceptions due to media, the falsehood of everything and nearly everyone that is alienating me and grinding me down.

    What on earth can a shrink do? I only end up philosophically challenging them anyway until they get to the point where they say "I think I've gone as far as I can with you". I just can't move sometimes. Who says the shrink knows all the answers? They're not divine. Who says they're not performing to some socially acceptable doctrine which is as conditioned and warped as society itself?
  9. Rosenrot

    Rosenrot Forum Buddy

    I think alot of us feel that way. I personally hate the bullshit in the media but hey, It's just apart of life. I don't have much of a choice, this society is based on trying to screw people over in everyway possible to make a slight penny, it's unfortenate but there isn't much I can do about it, I just have to live through it.
  10. d-pressed

    d-pressed Well-Known Member

    But why should it be disregarded? The facts are that it is a major corporation, that supposedly represents everything you are against, sending a message about beauty with which you agree. Shock, horror!

    Who says they are??

    My opinion is that you are so caught up in your search for concrete answers - you want to be able to say 'this is me, I am like this because of this and this' and so on. The bottom line is that if you pursue this path you will simply become dissatisfied for the rest of your life! You have to go through the pain of a trial and error process just like everyone else. Books can't substitute real life experience, either.

    No, it is not. It is how you interpret or react to things happening around you that grinds you down, not the thing itself. So, what you need is to shift your perceptions a bit - and it doesn't mean becoming ignorant/giving up your academic endeavours. I know you don't think too highly of the idea, but having therapy can get you on the right track if you let it. It's true, doctors are not divine. If you have a broken leg, a doc can put it in plaster - but it's up to you whether you keep that plaster on or not. They can treat you, not cure you. With therapy it's one of these things you have go into wanting to be helped, and you have to stick with it.

    Despite what it seems I do sympathise with your situation, and I'm sure there are many more out there who can relate to your feelings of alienation and disillusionment with the world. I sincerely hope you find peace within yourself.
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