latest attempt

[neverenoughx8]

I am new here and just wanted to share. Mostly because this last attempt has left me so confused.

I have been through a lot in my life and am diagnosed with PTSD. All together I have 11-12 hospitalizations for suicidal thoughts/attempts, self-harm and my eating disorder. An eventful life for a 21 year old female.

This past Feb. I ODed. No details... but let's just say I did plently of research before hand and know that the dose I took was supposed to be fatal. I even found records of deaths in people my age from the same dosage.

I had it planned perfectly. I did it the day before I left for Brazil. So I would arrive in Brazil and grow ill, but no one would know about the OD and assume my illness was contracted from the environment. My death would be accidently ruled to be caused by a disease or a mystery. No one would ever know I committed suicide.

But it didn't work, obviously. I vomitted for several hours then nothing. For the next few weeks I was in severe abdominal pain and showed some signs of organ troubles and significant overdose. But then I miraculously got better without any medical care what so ever. I don't understand. I was supposed to be dead! The dose is supposed to be 100% fatal.

Since then I've wanted to die so badly. But I feel like no matter what I do I just won't die. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

[total eclipse]

there is no way okay the only way to heal is to get help to deal with your suicdal thoughts No one here wants you to leave they want you to reach out and get help and get better. Sounds like you are meant to stay here okay find help and heal

 

[Ritsu]

NOOOO!!!! No ODing I attempted last night it is not guranted it hurts like hell and you will hurt so many people I survived and am getting help now it feels so good just to have people to talk to please read my thread my second and last ever attempt I hope it will help please please please get some help.

 

[solutions]

Your suicide attempt is...disturbing and fascinating at the same time. It's rare I see someone mention a premeditated attempt with that much planning on this forum. The seriousness of it is extraordinary. You clearly wanted to die.

I have to tell you for your own sake that ODs are extremely difficult to pull off. Almost all ODs fail. There are so many things that can go wrong, and the ODs themselves take many hours to work most of the time. Meanwhile, you feel sick and are just waiting to lose consciousness, but it always takes forever, if it happens at all.

Then, of course, you have to run the risk of organ and/or brain damage. It's very ugly.

So don't OD. It's not worth it.

 

[Sadeyes]

I am so glad you are here...how can we support you so that you too can feel that way? Please know my PM is always there and you are cared for...big hugs and I wish I could give you one in RL...J

 

[Ritsu]

I do hope you listen you sound like a good person I really hope you get some help and find something worth staying here for I do not wish to take your choice away I just wish to offer you another one a better one you should not feel less of a person for asking for help we all fall down we all get broken but in the end people will help people will understand I am broken too but I am getting help I am feeling better this wolf is bring helped to stand back up to dust himself of and make the world hear his voice again I do hope you will do too.

 

[peacelovingguy]

Wow. That is a lot of hospitalisations, it's a sign of your strength that you've survived and I feel a little humbled as I've never been hospitalised or had therapy and so on.

I was able to just go into self denial mode re depression, which sounds great till you wake up in your forties and have to accept it. We have little choice - apart from denial which is like being chased by a crocodile and jumping into the river to escape.

PTSD, I have some experience of this but with a group of people who went through legal procedures to afford some top psychiatrist. This was after a work accident and lots of death and injury. The men who went for the session, came back as changed men - some more than others, but everyone agreed it was a weight off their minds. Funny thing was many of the men were sceptical as hell about the treatment and counselling.

I cannot go into details but before the counselling, some of the victims in the accident did commit suicide. We'd never heard of PTSD but we soon came to know those 4 initials and what they stood for.

Men admitted, in their own group session, that they had almost all felt suicidal at some point, suffered panic attacks with one man driving the wrong way up a motorway and getting angry in the belief that everyone else drove the wrong way.

Others took to booze, drugs, with a few admitting to heroin use, cocaine, E and all the usual self medications.

Some were unable to form a close relationship - many went through separation or divorce.

Anyhow, ever since then I've always felt great sympathy for anyone going through PTSD. Feel free to talk about it if you want, although if you want to keep your own counsel on this or keep it between you and close loved ones or a counsellor, then its your prerogative.

Please, please don't try to overdose again. Others here have tried and are now looking at life as something that is worth living. Get help for the PTSD, a good counsellor trained specifically in that field can do wonders. I've seen this for myself - and its not a myth.

Medication helped also with many. Most were sceptical about anti depressants but I remember one of the older men saying he felt it had kept him alive and gave him the chance to be more open with others.

Everyone gets shocked into that condition by their own particular horrible experience. Many many soldiers and ex soldiers will have been subject to PTSD and only in recent years do we even accept it exists.

My deepest sympathy and I really hope life gets better for this year. Aged 21, maybe you'll meet a nice young gent your own age and find some peace that way. I hope you have some decent family around who you can talk to also. Try not to block them out. Finally, you seem intelligent and maybe you can make arrangements to follow some home study or attending somewhere once a week or so and learning some new skill or honing the ones you doubtless have.

For someone so young to have had such a history already - I hope you keep a diary relating to your medications and so on. This might help you out as your dealing with issues that would leave many others dazed and confused.

You really must be an amazing person and I guess you'd be a great help for other young people who are going through what you have already been through.

If anyone is a survivor, you are. And I know, you don't just want to 'survive' either - right? Nore do any of us. I really hope you get the life you deserve and hope you get

 

[chipper]

why do you want to die?

 

[lostkatie1995]

I don't know if you're religious or not and if you are not, I'm sorry. I do not mean for this to offend in anyway. But I would take it as a sign from God that you are not meant to die yet. I'm not one of those overly-religious people or anything, although I am religious. However, about a month ago, I almost killed myself over a fight with my best friend whom I'd never fought with before (among several other things, that was just the breaking point). As I was going to get the pills which I was going to swallow to kill myself, I got a text from her, apologizing for what she had said. I took that as a sign from God that I'm meant to do something important. Maybe save someone else's life. Who knows? But I don't believe in coincidences. And I do believe that everything happens for a reason. If I were you, I would take it as that you are meant to do something important in your life. Maybe you are meant to stop someone else from committing suicide at some point. But it's not your time yet.

 

[missingyou]

I'd advise that you get an organ check... OD's are nasty, I've had four attempts, which obviously haven't worked. I've managed to ruin my stomach and liver, I'm 22.

 

[AlienBeing]

I've ruined my liver and maybe my bladder too, not sure if it's from that or not. Maybe not, since my mom has bladder problems too, but definitely the liver. I've ODed better than that. Had one something like that where I vomited. It won't kill you if you vomit it up. That's pretty clear and simple. The next one though, I really researched well. I was unconscious and alone and barely alive for 5 days before my therapist "got a bad feeling" when I missed an appt and called the police! That was weird because I'd made no indication that I was suicidal the last several times I'd seen him. I remained unconscious in the hospital ICU for another 5 days. They said it was a miracle I survived. Some miracle. Yeah, I'm a real, living, walking miracle---not.

Lady Lazarus
by Sylvia Plath


I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it--

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
O my enemy.
Do I terrify?--

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot--
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else.
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart--
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash--
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there--

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.