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Laying it all bare

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lisani, May 12, 2012.

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  1. Lisani

    Lisani Member

    I am... chronically suicidal. Supposedly, that lowers your actual chances of completion. I'm not sure if I find that statistic personally applicable. Anyhow, the point of this is, even if no one reads or responds to it, is to just get some things said.

    I've had an eating disorder since I was thirteen or so and depression since I was eleven. The depression has waxed and waned, but never left me entirely. The eating disorder grew steadily worse until a little over two years ago when my umpteenth form of treatment finally resulted in me getting angry enough to get better. At least, I thought I was better. The truth is, I was functional, but still just as distorted even while medically less compromised. Several months ago, I started slipping back into depression, and the eating habits rapidly returned. Now, the position I swore I would never return to is a reality: I am fully relapsed, fully suicidal, and fully unmotivated to even find where my willpower to get better ever went.

    I've had to drop out of college before, twice in fact, and I even took nearly three years off while ill and in treatment. I've also failed, after finally returning last fall, to complete this past winter semester - even thought I attended up to the last day of classes. I went inpatient for suicidal intent on the twentieth of April and was released this past Monday. I have no insurance, and fortunately the county sponsored this (my twelfth?) inpatient stay. I haven't really left my room since, with the exception of a couple of appointments related to follow up and to seek out the means to engage in my eating disorder. I feel awful, and know I am incredibly dehydrated, have lost more weight, am nutritionally compromised, electrolyte imbalanced, and it's really hard to even climb the stairs to my third-floor apartment.

    As I've mentioned, I've had treatment, lots and lots of treatment. I've been medically inpatient, psychiatrically inpatient, residential, and in IOP. I've been on a wide variety of psychoactive pharmaceuticals and have undergone ECT (ten treatments). I've done CBT, DBT, psychoanalysis, endless workbooks and approaches. I know the common denominator is me - and it's no longer from a lack of trying. I tried. I tried with everything I had left, and I thought I had made it. But I was fooling myself, because it all unravelled in so very little time to return to the same utter uselessness I was before, and have really always been.

    I've attempted suicide five, perhaps six times. The first three attempts, honestly, were cries for help, albeit seriously contemplated gambles as well. The fourth was a moment of sheer panic, impulsivity, and way too many meds. The fifth put me in a coma for five days, and I was and am still angry to have ever awoken. The sixth is hard to quantify because it is an ongoing, somewhat passive gesture whereby I play russian roulette with my body by depleting its resources as much as possible, hoping that it will finally give out. The last psychiatrist I spoke with said he didn't think I'd survive another attempt.

    Yes, that would be the point. I know enough now to never, ever wake up once I've taken action. I've done the research, obsessively, too, because I cannot fathom waking up to myself again. I know full-well how many people my suicide will affect, and while I am far from immune to the hurt I will cause - I am in too much pain, desperation, and self-hatred to continue on. We all know that a quickly pulled off band-aid actually hurts less than the one we cautiously remove: dying now may be a sharper pain to those who care about me, but it will also be better than watching my living death for however long it takes me to finally die from my disease.

    And I know you can make a bunch of great arguments against my suicide - I've made them all myself, for myself. They've kept me alive this long. The strongest motivator has indeed been wanting to spare others pain. I know I want out, and I'm resolved to taking my own life, but I recognize others are not. If tomorrow wasn't Mother's Day, I'd go to day, right now, in fact. I have the means at arm's reach. But tomorrow is Mother's Day, so it's going to have to be tomorrow night instead, when I won't wake up on Monday. Yes, I'm aware that dying so close to Mother's Day is probably just as bad, but I'm consoling myself with it not being the actual day. I'm a horrible individual, I know.

    Anyway, I don't think this has a point - and I don't expect a response. Maybe, instead, I can offer some advice? For what it's worth, never wait to get treatment. The longer you wait, the harder it is to recover; and if you wait too long, well... you end up like me.
  2. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am so sorry you are feeling so rotten Lisani. If you ever need someone to talk to to just let off steam you are welcome to drop me a pm anytime :hug:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun i too am sorry you are feeling so low hun no matter the age hun there is still hope you do not know what new treatments will come out in future Your mom will always need you here hun please hun if you are in danger go to hospital where they will keep you safe hugs
  4. MisterBGone

    MisterBGone Well-Known Member

    It's never too late to discover that you are not who you thought you were: ("fill in the blank"). I don't know how they go about treating eating disorders, but my hunch is that once the actual behavior is corrected, they must try to address the root of the cause. Because the act itself--starving, vomiting & such, is really just a symptom of the disorder. So, the question is, why do you hate what you hate about your self? The answer, quite possibly or even most likely, is this: because I do (& I always have) Fair enough, now, how do we help you with this deadly disease. I know that many do manage to starve themselves to death, as eventually your body starts eating its organs, starting with the heart. But as I understand it, many also kill themselves first, due to the unwanted hell they live through each & every day. So I guess what I'm trying to tell you, is that there is still hope. It may not seem like much, given your last failures with certain medical avenues, but you never know when the next one (treatment/doctor) might be the (right) one to help you, for good. Don't quit! I know you can do this, I saw the most suicidal girl I've ever met, with skin sliding off her chin at Thanksgiving three years ago--her anorexia had gotten that bad (& her Mom balled her eyes out at first sight)-just graduate at the top of her class with a pH. d (& she's one of the most noncommunicate people I've known!). So, moral of story: if she can do it (& I've not begun to describe the horror of her hell; but I'm guessing you already know, from personal experience) then you can do it. I guarantee you!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2012
  5. Brokengirl123

    Brokengirl123 Well-Known Member

    Lisani you have been to hell and back more times than you can count. You are still here which is incredible quite even possibly a miracle. And whenever you find you are still here, you find you still have another chance for getting 'better' (I think you know what I mean by that)

    That chance to try again...and again....well you only get it whilst you are alive. Take the chance you have nothing to lose. Keep taking those chances until you do eventually give out. Don't stop trying until you are gone. How could anyone think anything but good of you if all you did in life was seek help and fight fight fight. You fall down, get back up. You meet a setback, move past it.

    Someone on here recently said (forget who sorry) - die trying or try dying. You know the better choice is the first option. As long as you try then even if you die, you die a winner.

    Might I add what an outstanding person you sound. You have the intelligence to identify and diagnose your situation without being ignorant to facts or clouded by emotion. You know you are in precarious situation and vulnerable state right now. But you also know something that keeps you here - your mum. Hold onto that for as long as possible. Keep trying. Keep getting that help, do it all again if you have to; the therapies, the workbooks. Everything. It took me 5 reads of every Shakespeare poem before I got the answers to the questions posed. Just don't stop trying and you may get your solution eventually. And if you don't....well you went down fighting to the end like a true soldier.

    I have so much respect for you. I only wish I had something more helpful. <3
    Last edited by a moderator: May 13, 2012
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