le sighhhh...hello *waves*

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by wigglytuff, Apr 23, 2012.

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  1. wigglytuff

    wigglytuff New Member

    hellooooo i'm stephanie. you can call me steph or wigglytuff (as in the pokemon)
    i like cartoons, video games, art and funny stuff
    i'm a 3-time college dropout, i'll be 21 on the 13th of may

    i stumbled upon this forum because lately my life has taken a dramatic turn
    no one in my life has passed away, i haven't been abused, NOTHING like that has happened actually...

    despite some family drama in my teen years, up until now my life has been worry-free bliss...i haven't had to deal with anything like death.

    up until about a month ago i would live life one day at a time, looking forward to tomorrow and even though it wasn't promised to me, i believed it would happen. that's how a person is supposed to live, right? to the fullest? because YOLO! yeah, i used to be like that. i really can't put my finger on exactly why my outlook on life changed so suddenly but i think it started when one of my online friends told me that two people who she knew got into a car accident and died suddenly. it just sort of woke me up to the possibility that anything can happen at any time without warning. while i'm always a careful person and have death in the back of my head at all times it never stopped me from LIVING.....for the past month it has. i've been locked up in my room all day and all night googling and youtubing things about near death experiences, the afterlife, etc to come to some kind of conclusion to make me feel comfortable.

    i'm afraid of dying and it's never been as bad as it is right now. maybe because i'm getting older and i'm more in tune to the things that go on in the world? it's a cruel place...so many people die every day for a bunch of different reasons....it's all about luck and being in the right place at the right time. no one's protected by jesus or guardian angels....and what i can't fathom is a lot of people around me, my own family included, are just like "welp, if it's my time, it's my time" and they're so lax about it. it's as if they believe they'll live forever and that's all fine and good but i'm just like freaking out because there are so many things i love in this world and i never want to leave it. maybe i'm selfish?

    so after a few weeks of mentally torturing myself i inevitably started thinking about suicide. not seriously like "ok tonight i'm just going to kill myself *buys gun, writes note*" but i started to become curious about it....looking up suicide notes of famous/normal people....looking up painless methods to do it. it's not something that i genuinely WANT to do but with the way i'm thinking.....what's the point of all this anyway?

    so i was born into this world to indulge in things, be happy, make relationships, love......and then die and have all of that erased. sure, the world will go on without me and my memories will be with the people who i left an impression on....but for how long? eventually in thousands of years i'll be forgotten. unless i do something AMAZING with my life ...which i wont. and even then, someone will probably outshine my accomplishments at some point. and what would that even matter to me anyway? i'd be dead so how would i even know what's going on?

    life is just some cruel sick joke i think

    so that's why i was even entertaining the idea of suicide. because...we all live to die anyway? it's only that we don't know WHEN we die...but if you commit suicide it's in your own hands and i find that kind of comforting.

    like, i don't want to go on living happily and excited for the future, get married, have kids, even have GRANDKIDS just to die suddenly in a plane/car accident or slowly die from some horrible disease in the distant future....ALSO there's the fact that i haven't had to deal with any deaths in my immediate family yet...i'm afraid of that happening, i'm afraid i wouldn't be able to deal.

    i am really confused. i wish i believed in god and an afterlife but i don't even think i CAN anymore. i was brought up as a catholic but we never really went to church...only sometimes like easter and stuff. me and my brother went to religion class while in elementary/middle school...but it wasn't something that we took seriously it was just a thing that our parents forced us to do because everyone else did it. everything about christianity never clicked with me and i never really cared that much...so now i'm stuck in this atheistic dark hole mentality and i'm depressed as hell. *sigh* idk what to believe

    i just want my life back...it's the worst thing in the world to lie in bed all day with no hope or motivation to do anything

    and not even that but i have physical symptoms from this depression/anxiety

    i can't focus, my mind is literally fogged, i get random pains everywhere, i get nauseous....physically i FEEL like i am going to die at any second. i'm even afraid to sleep because i'm terrified of not waking up. at the same time, if i am going to die this is how i WOULD want to go but...i think about my family and my boyfriend....and i wouldn't want to do that to them yet

    blaaaaaahhgdfkghd long post is long
    i'll leave it at that
  2. houseofcards

    houseofcards Well-Known Member

    Welcome steph :D it took me forever to read your post but I finally did! I'm so happy you came into chat because you seem like a really nice girl, im looking forward to you staying here and getting some new friends and support :D
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hi Wiggly -
    Very glad to read your post, totally understand how you're feeling.

    You might not believe this, (cos it's a bit too "Coincidental") - but earlier today I sat down and wrote the following, which I was on the verge of posting, but then decided against it, due to time issues (hubby's birthday today, other family members' birthdays this week, big combined B/party tomorrow, then we're going away for a couple of weeks etc. I put it in a Word doc. and intended to deal to it in a few weeks when things have calmed down a bit - BUT, having read your post, nothing can hold me back from posting it here - because I think it just might be for you. So here it is, lol!: [It was a new thread for Soap Box forum, entitled: The Prayer Room - for those who are desperate enough to want to give God a chance....

    Hi Everyone, I guess Soap Box is the place for this!

    I know I take my life in my hands in starting a thread of this nature, but someone posted to me a few days ago that he could not understand how I could possibly bring God into a forum about suicide. Well, the answer to that is plain (to me, at any rate) - because God has a lot to say in His Word about life and death, love and hope, and the reason the planet and we exist.

    Having been on SF for a month now, it's obvious that many souls write in hoping to find things like hope, strength and a reason to carry on with life. I guess it's everyone's choice what they choose to take on board to think about, and some will not want to think about God in relation to their problems, and that's fine. I'm not here to try and twist anyone's arm, just to let you know about the hope and strength that is on offer and available.

    I understand many will be angry about the suggestion that God exists at all, because they experienced pain in their lives at the hands of other people, and no supernatural being protected them, or came to their aid. I understand these feelings, believe me. I also know they will not dissipate just by me writing pious platitudes - and that much healing is required to help integrate our negative life-experiences into something that can give us a more positive perspective on life.

    The other thing to bear in mind is that, if this thread is liable to trigger feelings you don't want to deal with - you're totally free to just ignore it, and please do. But there may be folks who would like to turn to God for help and strength in their problems, and yet don't really know where to start because it's all so different. And so, I am putting this out there as an invitation to explore this possiblity - responding to God's invitation to give you new life.

    If you don't want it, that's fine, but if you do.......... I'd like to offer to walk the journey with you, and to give God a chance to give you that different perspective, and new insights that you've previously been missing, but are there to be discovered - NO JUDGEMENT and NO CONDEMNATION - let these be the only 'rules'.


    Having written this today (cos I felt this option needs its own place) - I'm a bit anxious about how often I'll be able to be on SF for the next month (I wrote a couple of weeks ago that life's a bit crazy on the home-front at the moment) - However, I promise to look in at least once a day.


    And, having said it's a prayer room, I'd like to offer up one here to kick off with:

    Dear Lord,
    Thank you for this opportunity to pray for souls who are searching for you, and for there to be a place where deep things of the Spirit can be explored. Most of all, Lord, we need your help to guide us to make sense of our lives, and to give us hope in the darknesses that we feel we are facing and yet have no answers for, or strength to deal with. So we turn to you Lord, not knowing what to expect really - even thinking that we're going to be disappointed yet again..... because you appear to be so different and distant. But we're told that you do care deeply for us and love us, and that those who ask for your help will find you - and, as every relationship involves both giving and receiving, please help us to receive what we need, in our need. In trepidation (maybe, but that's OK) in Jesus' name, Amen.


    Hoping that you will continue to post here Steph, you're asking some very good questions that speak to me of having enormous potential to bring meaning and hope for your amazing future. :)
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