I am trying hard to come to terms with this, not easy at all. Trying to cope with it because for so long all I've wanted to do is fit in, it's all I've ever wanted. Tried so hard at school to be the popular one - was seen to just be lil miss tried hard and while people did like me, they liked me because they knew they could use me = failed. Tried so be the one the boys liked for all the wrong reasons - ended up becoming promiscuous, but rather than picking and choosing I'd sleep with whoever would have me, which in the end just upset me too much = failed. Tried so be the fun, outgoing, sociable one - ended up with a drinking problem = failed. I've tried to be 'something' in almost every aspect of my life and I've failed, because my depression gets in the way, my 'try hard' nature gets in the way, the fact that I am trying to be something and somebody I am not gets in the way. You can only put up the facade for so long before you revert back to your real self, and that is what has always happened. With friends, with family, with work, with school, with boyfriends. Now I am just going to try and be myself. I know I am someone that will never be well liked, I will never be the most popular girl or the girl that everybody fancies or the girl that does well at everything. But if I can just be 'normal', with a handful of close friends who understand me and who I understand, a boyfriend who understands me and who I understand, a job I can tolerate and I can finally look in the mirror and not feel sick, then I will have come along way and although I know it's basic human nature to always strive to be better and to fight for something more than what I already have. If I can even get to THAT place that'll bloody be something!