Leaving a loved one..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Lennie, Nov 24, 2008.

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  1. Lennie

    Lennie Well-Known Member

    Hey, I would just like to get your opinions and thoughts of how it feels to forcefully leave your loved ones behind.

    I'm finding it really f**ked up at the moment, struggling with the thought of leaving my family and friends. Little story for you.. being in my bedroom and typing out my goodbye letters, then my mum walks in and asks if I want to watch TV with her. I sneakily close the program I was using, and of course I agree to her request, despite the late hour, because I know we dont have much time left together (She probably thinks it's weird that I'm spending all this time with her lately, but she'll know why in a few days). So I'm sitting there watching this programme about a woman with terminal cancer, and she is so brave, and committed to dying with dignity. And I know it's horrible to think, but I'm asking (In my head ofcourse) 'Why can't I have some terminal illness so I can also be the brave one and die with dignity?' Instead I have to write letters behind their back, sneak out in the middle of the night and construct my own method of death. I look at my mum and think of the betrayal I will be inflicting on her, and it f**king hurts big time.

    Yet it won't stop me. I've been planning my death since last Monday, just putting into place small details each day inbetween my appearance of normality. It was planned for tonight, but thats not going ahead because, A, I haven't finished the letter of my mum (I've done everyone elses) and, B, there is a family meal planned for tomorrow and it would be nice to see them all together one last time. So it's set for the day after so long as I finish this letter.

    So yeah, I just wanted to know of people in a similar situation, and how they are dealing with the ultimate betrayal to loved ones?

    (By the way, I'm not depressed and I don't need help - Of course I will be appreciative of being told that I should seek help etc etc - but I've been through that and got over the depression, but the lure of death will never go away as it's too intense. I lead a normal life, no issues as such, slight social anxiety but nothing major. I'm just a normal 21 year old guy who enjoys going out partying and mixing with people, I just decided to plan and carry out my death this week. What I'm saying is I'm not attention seeking, or looking for advice on being 'cured', quite the opposite, I'm just looking for any pointers of how to deal with leaving my loved ones. I will be killing myself just as soon as I have prepared fully - I would detest it if I just became another person who attempted suicide without achieving, thats just unwarranted pain to inflict on my family.)

    Sorry for the longevity of the thread. I didn't plan it, which is laughably ironic considering the meticulous planning I have done this week :laugh:
  2. LostSpirit

    LostSpirit Well-Known Member

    you can't imagine how it would feel, know one knows how they will feel apart from them, you can only imagine they would feel so much pain, but it would go beyond that, after a while people forget about you like friends, but family can never forget especially your mum and dad,

    your 21 so young, it isnt to late to change things, im 22 myself, and have suffered depression since i can remember, i fight with how i feel daily, and it is slowly eating away at me, the only reason i am still here is because of my daughter, as much as i hate myself, id hate myself even more if i left her behind, i no her life would never be the same, nor with your mum and dads!

    i really hope you dont do anything silly

    PM if talking will help

    take care my friend

  3. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    no matter whats said in a letter, loved ones will always carry the guilt of your death with them, they will see it as their fault, will wonder what they did wrong and could they have done something different.
    they will blame themselves because they won't understand why, even if you explain it they won't understand.
    theres no way to take your own life and not cause huge pain to those who love you.
    there is just no easy way, sorry.

    hope you change your mind
  4. Lennie

    Lennie Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your comments. It's gone beyond not happening now. I know that I will be hurting my family so so much, and I wish there was a way I could make it painless for them, but unfortunately the peacefulness of death has consumed me and it is now too late.

    I have finished the letter. It was the hardest thing in the world. But since I started putting the wheels of suicide in motion, I have been so at peace with myself, and I have really cherished the moments with my family this past week, I have enjoyed them so much that they have been the best moments of my life. There's no going back to the life before I made the decision.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Lennie, I was nearly in tears reading your post :sad:

    Your mom and family will be heartbroken. I beg you, please don't do it. It's not just your life your ending, your moms will have ended too. Please reconsider :hug:
  6. LostSpirit

    LostSpirit Well-Known Member

    Lennie, dont do it!!!!!!! there obviously is a part of you that dont want to leave i can tell by the love you have for your family, let them help you thru this time, do not leave them wondering, maybe they could have done more, put yourself in there shoes for a min, how would you feel if a close family member took there own life??

    whatever it is bothering you, it can be sorted, everything changes with time, but one thing that wont change, is when you are gone, there is know coming back to ease your familys pain

  7. KirstyMissJimBob

    KirstyMissJimBob Well-Known Member

    please dont do it. my cousin did nearly 3 months ago and the pain is still unbearable it hurts so much to lose a loved and not know why, it eats away at me.My whole family is not the same since Jamie commit suicide.

    The pain you family wil feel will be unbearable, the worst paint they could possibly feel. Seriously think about how they will feel, how much they will hurt. cos trust me losing a family memebr to suicide hurts ALOT.

    please dont do it u are always welcome to talk to us here.
  8. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Lennie listen to the people above. They are giving you good advice. It doesn't matter about the letter, your mom especially will take this hard. I don't care how old you are you will always be your mom's baby boy. You can change your mind at any point before you commit. No one will think the worst of you for not going through with it.
    I am suicidal too. I get up in the morning and tell myself"NOPE NOT TODAY". I put those thoughts behind me and set small acheiveable goals for me to accomplish for the day. You should give therapy another chance. Your previous therapist might not of helped but there are good ones to help you sort thru this and go over your coping skills. Please don't give up! once you give in to the temptation then there is no turning back. Think about your mom!! What makes you think how this is going to affect her! Hell she could go off the deep end and follow your foot steps. Is that what you really want? Please Take care!~Joseph~
  9. Lennie

    Lennie Well-Known Member

    I've already given into temptation, and I've gone past the point of no return.

    I know how much I am going to devastate my family, and I have to carry that. Believe me, if I could make it more bearable for them, I would go to any lengths to do that. But how do you survive when you cannot hold on anymore, not even for your loved ones. You know it has gone to far to survive when you understand the pain you will cause and still do it.

    I believe in the strength of my family, each one of them are so strong and such an inspiration to me. But I'm not strong, I've proved that by already giving up.

    Thank you for your words though, I am not an ungrateful person and I have listened to each word that you have written, I'm just someone who has gone too far to turn back now.
  10. LostSpirit

    LostSpirit Well-Known Member

    you are still here, it means it is not too late..... :)
  11. Oak

    Oak Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I support what has been said to you dear. There is always a choice to get back on your feet and change your mind. How many times did i wish or prepare for it and changed my mind. None will judge you that's certain.

    I am a mother who lost her children, there is just nothing comparable and horrifying as to loose one's child. We NEVER recover the loss and its a cancer that is slowly eating you withing till you feel dead inside which will lead her to depression and will want to be with you. Take it from someone who has been through it and unless you dont care for your mother or siblings get help outside the nucleo. Call help lines, go to a therapist or better to a psichiatrist and have your thought sorted out before it is too late.

    Hope you choose to stay with us
    be well and stay safe

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