First thing i want or rather wish to say to all mods and admin, is this is not a suicide note.. i dont know what you would want to call it but its diffently not a suicide note as what will happen this friday is not by my hands.. a doctor will perform surgery on me, nothing more. this is basically a recollection of my life or something like that, cause i dont know the outcome of the surgery no more then anyone else here knows it either, that is left up to God and just how good he hears my prayers for peace and death to be with my mom and brother. thanks. well, there is a really good chance that this friday i will leave this unloving planet known as earth. That is both a good thing and a bad thing.. the bad thing i will mention first, seeing as how i probably wont be back online here ever again, in fact there is a real good chance of that..so i will mention it here in this post. There are some things i regret.. 1 - not being able to make amends with 2 people whom i dearly loved. 2 - not having the oppertunity to speak with anastia ( spelling of name is probably wrong ) again, she just completly dis-appeared from here, and left me alone and hanging. 3 - Friends that are here who claim to still be friends with me dont pm me anymore let alone talk with me. 4 - the way that most my posts or words come out are like i am a bible thumping hyprocrit or something much worse cause i have problems that i battle day by day and yet still believe in god so who-hoo i am a hyprocrit...according to most that is.. 5 - Those who have claimed to be my friends on our local web-site are really not my friend, and the worst part of it all is i thought they were but then when i read some of the things they wrote about me on the other local web-site after i was so called banned, it just goes to show me just how much unloved and a toy i am to them and then of course i am so dumb and stupid that i fail right into their hands. While i have not been here i have been there reading the archives and low and behold how some will say they are my friends then stab me in the back, but i have to admit i did have one perhaps just 2 stand up for me because they knew i could not be there to defend myself.. 6 - i have read a lot of the stupid things i posted both here and there and just realize just how much of a true pathic life i have. 7 - i really and truly am nothing to the church i attend, and they really could care less on rather i am there or not, they have their own belief and judgement upon me but i dont really care anymore cause i know where i stand with God. nothing else really matters. i have did my part and my share of what he wanted me to do and its time for me to depart..besides its not like i will be missed? yeah, sure a few that have spoken to me will maybe miss me, but time heals everything and in a few weeks or months i will fade away, my memory will just fade away. and i will be no longer remembered. now the good... 1 - I die and will have peace finally. 2 - i will get to see my mom and older brother and wont never have to leave them again nor will they leave me again cause its forever in the afterlife 3 - i have no fear cause i been there before and God would not let me stay, he made me come back into this world so full of hate.. 3 good out of all the bad.. thats not very many, but at least its some.