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Leaving Him

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I have made the decision to leave someone so important to me, but also very emotionally abusive. I don't want to go into great detail about him, but I'll say some. For 5 years he felt like my soulmate. I finally found someone who gave the word 'home' a meaning. We became so involved in each other's lives that we knew each other like the back of our hands.

A few years ago it was like once he knew I was comfortable, he took off his mask and showed me his real self. I didn't speak up about it until a year ago to my best friend, and after countless nights of explaining, she helped me realize how abusive his behavior is.

Things are really bad, but I don't think he knows what point I'm at right now. I can't talk to him about it. I will get yelled at, told the way I feel isn't real, and that he didn't do anything wrong. Then I will start to believe him. So right now, the best thing I can do is silence. We haven't spoken in about a week, and the week prior we barely talked.

I am trying so insanely hard to not allow my 'fix it' part of me take over, like it always does. I keep trying to tell myself that what I'm doing is okay. I'm allowed to leave someone who is abusive. But it's so frickin hard. It's so hard.

I can't even explain how much I want to call him. Hear his voice. See his face. Have one second of good to outweigh the bad. It hurts so much. You would think I would feel better about leaving someone like this, but I really don't. I feel horrible.

I don't know what to do. I feel so incredibly alone. I'm seeing a therapist, who funnily enough I started seeing because of this relationship, but he had to cancel tomorrow's appointment. I was going to use it to talk about this decision and now I don't even know what to do.

I can't handle the thoughts and feelings that I'm dealing with. This last week I've been masking them with a substance, but when that wears off I feel worse. I just feel so alone.

I think I'm posting here for support and stories of inspiration. I need help. One of the main reasons I held off on leaving him was this feeling of being alone. I knew it would be intense, but I didn't think it would be this intense. It's almost like I feel worse than I did before the decision to leave him and it makes me want to go back.
I've been there.

September 27 I packed my truck and drive 1200 miles away from her. I was incredibly lonely for a while but now it's a lot better. I can now relax at home. I spent 5 years hiding in my bedroom from an abusive drunk. 5 years hiding my phone when I tried to chat just to have some sort of human connection. 5 years of listening to her carry on about how terrible I am. 5 years I couldn't fix myself dinner because it made the house stink.

But I'm free. It hurt, but it is healing. I'm a long way from being right, but I'm ok. I'm here to chat if you need.

I wish you the best with this. You will become happy about it in time. Don't give up!
Sorry to hear that you are going through this

www.hotpeachpages.net has a world-wide directory of domestic violence and abuse resources. There might be something there that could help to guide you.

It really does sound like leaving him is best. It's also true the process would be really painful.

I will get yelled at, told the way I feel isn't real
Normally when a couple is a having trouble, couples counseling is an option, but if he's behaving like this, it seems pretty clear that this isn't a relationship that can be saved. If someone is abusing and manipulating, efforts to try to reconcile things usually end up with the abuser sucking you back into more abuse.
A guy with feelings - I am really happy to hear that you were able to get out and are doing better than before. What you did and the length you went took so much strength and that is amazing. Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it. I'm here if you need to chat as well.

may71 - Thank you for the link, I'll definitely check it out! You are absolutely right. I have tried to talk to him about it in a calm manner, but he's made it clear that he does not want to hear about it. I am not 'allowed' to tell him when he's made me upset, or even get upset at all by his actions/words. It has made me feel very trapped and confused, and ultimately has lead to me just placing the blame on myself for everything. There's no reconciling with him at this point unfortunately.

sassy123 - Thank you. I am trying to hard. I wish it was simple and didn't make me feel bad. I'm hoping these feelings go away really soon. I know you said you wish you could've left your ex sooner, but I'm proud of you for doing it even at the time frame you did. You are strong. *hugs*

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