Leaving (might trigger)

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alaskagurl09, Jul 28, 2011.

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  1. Alaskagurl09

    Alaskagurl09 Member

    I want to just end it all now. I just don't know what to do any more. I can't deal with all the shit that is going on in my life. My father stepped over the line tonight. He freaked out at me because the house wasnt clean. Which is my fault since i spent most of my day on here. Maybe that was my mistake. Maybe he is right that I am a useless, worthless, person and that every thing that has happened in my life is my fault. I miss my old dad. the one who would hold me when I was sad. the one that told me that no matter what i was a wonderful person. how can a person change so fast. I have to leave I cant live with him any more. But I dont know what i can do. I am only 16 and am a single mom. Where would I go if I left? My family wants nothing to do with me. I just can't take any more abuse. I cant believe that he hit me. I am just so lost and dont know what to do anymore. It makes me so mad. I had an awesome chat with people on here earlier and then he has to come and ruin everything. What did i do that was so wrong.

    I am so tired but i cant go to sleep. i dont feel safe here. :hiding:
    :i'm sorry:
  2. *sparkle*

    *sparkle* Staff Alumni

    hey :hug: sorry things are going badly for you :(

    if your father is hitting you and you have a young child then you probably need to look at other options. i dont know what options there are where you live but are there supported housing schemes or social workers who you would be able to speak to in order to find alternative accomodation?

    do you know why your family'e attitudes have changed so much? what's happened?

    but certainly if you are unsafe and in danger then you must go through official channels to find a resolution in terms of housing and a safe place :hug: here if you need to talk
  3. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I'm with you on that; your dad should never have hit you or abused you in any other way.

    In addition, I have a similar question to one of Sparkle's above: Do you have any idea why he (dad) has changed so much? When I first read this post, I thought your old dad was a separate person from your new dad.
  4. Alaskagurl09

    Alaskagurl09 Member

    My father changed when my mom was killed. My step father killed my mother and attempted to kill me. My father blames me i guess because i survived and she didnt. He never really came out and said it. When I was released from the hospital he was drink and hasnt stopped since. The rest of my family deserted me when I became pregnant by my step father. In here minds I wanted it and every thing.

    But my dad appologized this morning, and he was actually sober, which hasnt happened in forever. He seemed really broken up about the whole incident last night. He has agreed to get counseling for his alcohol. He asked me not to leave and i dont know what I should do. He seemed really sincere when he appologized. But so did my sted dad every time he hit, and he never stopped.
  5. roscho

    roscho Well-Known Member

    You have to keep yourself and your daughter safe. Make that your "Job 1".

    I know how "all alone" feels, though, and I see that you want to give him some credit and a chance. Refer back to Job 1. If you give him a chance, you have to begin dialogue with him. You have to try to begin talking through the feelings.

    It is good that he is remorseful, as he should be. That is a positive sign.

    Spending the whole day on SF sometimes might not seem to be a productive time - but we're in a bad place here sometimes and spending a whole day here is all we can manage.

    Maybe you can talk with your Dad with a counselor involved. In a perfect world, you could do some sessions with a counselor alone first, and then the counselor would be able to help you navigate a productive discussion. Not to make your Dad, who is also struggling it sounds like, feel cornered, but to help him understand how damaged and fragile you are.

    You don't have to be strong alone, we'll lend you what we have to spare.


  6. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Tragic and sad. Incredible how all of this has happened :(


    Do you think you are willing to give your dad another chance and live with him longer if you have a choice to move out or stay at home? Do you honestly think he can change for good?
  7. lkt

    lkt Active Member

    your dad told you about his feelings, you should do the same, you should tell him about how you were abused, about how you are feeling down, about how your step father is one hell to you, about every single thing, he is your father after all, he'll understand

    get your step father to the court, what he did was (AND STILL IS) a crime and he must pay for it

    if is sad you should just take life step by step, i know is hard but hang on
  8. Alaskagurl09

    Alaskagurl09 Member

    My dad does know about the abuse and every thing. When he gets home he said that we would have a long talk. I am kind of nervous. My step dad is is prison forty to life.
  9. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    I hope the talk goes well. Have you thought about anything to prepare for your long talk? For example, writing things down that you want to let him know. :) Just an idea.
  10. Alaskagurl09

    Alaskagurl09 Member

    He knows the physical details about what happened to me. I guess what i really want to talk to him about is how i felt and feel. I think writting it down is a great idea. I still have two hrs until he will be home so I think I will do that.
  11. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    Good! I like your idea of letting him know how you feel and have felt.

    Nice talking to you in chat by the way. :)
  12. Alaskagurl09

    Alaskagurl09 Member

    Well it was all a bust. He was supposed to be out looking for work today. But when he came home this afternoon he was drunk. he promised me this morning that he was going to stop and get help. I tried to talk to him and he just yelled at me saying that i was trying to make him some one that he wasnt. I told him that if he continued to drink i would leave. He told me I would never leave him. Some times i wonder if he is right. I dont know what to do. I know I cant stay here if he isnt going to change. I fear that if i do he would one day hurt my son. that is something that I cant let happen. he is gone now, at the bar, so I am debating packing my stuff and just leaving. But I have no were to go. :sad:
  13. Speedy

    Speedy Staff Alumni

    If you can work out something (like staying at a friend's house for now or something), that wouldn't be ideal but would give you a break from your dad's place until you decide what to do long-term. I'm most worried about the safety of leaving and how you are going to support yourself and your baby. Either way, I'm glad that you are considering leaving a place where you've been abused. Wish you the best in planning how to go about your departure.

  14. Cjrl2530

    Cjrl2530 Account Closed

    I agree with Alex. you should try to find a place where you can go for a little while until you decided which steps you want to take. Is your fathers name by chance Jim?
  15. Alaskagurl09

    Alaskagurl09 Member

    Hello all,
    First I want to say that I am sorry that I have not been on here for awhile. I have been really busy. Just to let everyone know I am no longer living in Alaska with my dad, I am actually leaving in the lower forty eights with a foster family who agreed to take me and my son in until I can find a job and everything. They also told me that I am able to stay until I am eighteen if I wish. They are so good with my son. I still feel jumpy and unsure about this new place but so far they have been really nice. I am just afraid to hope for the best because then it might all come crashing down on me.
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