Looking down into the small black charcoal grill I now use as an outdoor ashtray it all comes flooding back to me. I used this same innocent little piece of metal to try and end my life only a couple of years ago. <edit mod total eclipse method> I was lying back trying to let it come when the thought entered my mind that I may survive <edit total eclipse triggering> Thats the thing with OCD and BDD, we don't get a break, ever. Not even long enough to kill ourselves. I've caused more wreckage in my life than I care to remember, but remember vividly nonetheless. Obsessions shaken switch to something else or rear their ugly heads somewhere down the line. I tried to take it all in stride for most of my life, changing ssri, eating haldol with breakfast in elementary school, prescribed benzodiazepines for the anxiety that kicks my obsessions off. It was the alcohol that did me in. And then the BDD started. I went through some serious acne and insecurity in high school and after. I beat it down but was left with significant scarring. I learned to live with it and be confident even. One day, after thinking it to be a thing of the past, I began to obsess on a particular part of my face to the right of my chin that felt, to me, "too hard." I rubbed and pulled and thought incessantly about it. The scars remain. Raised lines of hard tissue. Fucked my self esteem and unhinged my world, my confidence was my grounding trait, as anyones self image truly is. We are our faces, and I just fucked mine up. Obsessives cant let certain things go, like a normal brain categorizes things automatically into important and unimportant, what to think seriously about later because it is warranted and what to toss. Fleeting thoughts about the trivial are just that. They occupy the mind briefly never to be thought of again. Unfortunately an obsessive can distinguish between the two but the silliest of thoughts will become jammed up, a tight concentric thought to be repeated. There is a connection between the exterior environment and the thought process. A juncture exists such that, when extremely stressed we will start a rumination on whatever we happen to be thinking at the moment. I thought about eggs and their proper usage over and over and over again for a year or more. They can be eaten by themselves, they are also useful in cooking for baking and sauces and such. An attempt to categorize them repeatedly engulfed my mind. Its never that i really give two shits about the subject of my thoughts, but it is an attempt to relieve anxiety. A coping mechanism learned at an early age, for a sense of control. The knowing that you are thinking about unimportant things thousands of times a day is what drives me the most crazy. I know it doesn't fucking matter, but the thoughts continue. I thought about pants for years. In my mind I thought, there are really only three types of pants, jeans, khakis, dress pant. And I couldn't handle the number three. I did all sorts of magical thinking to try and dispel this, well, there are running pants, no those aren't really pants, corduroy, yeah those are pants, ad infinitum. I eventually accepted the number three after years. Couldn't think my way out any longer. Fuck three, and whatever might be wrong with it, that was my strategy, and it worked for some time. Then the thought came rushing back voraciously when I didn't have anything in particular in mind to cope with the anxiety. I was grasping for that torturous thought pattern for help. You see i have pure o. Something usually categorized by frequent and disturbing thoughts. Unfortunately, I just obsess and compulse upstairs instead of touching things, washing my hands. That type cod can be helped through exposure therapy for example don't wash your hands and ride out the anxiety. How do you treat pure o, telling someone not to think is like telling someone not to think about pink elephants. I have to take a fuck it and you attitude with me to survive. Hence the alcoholism, I cant drink, in fact I do horrible life threatening things when I drink, I go to jail when I drink, I total cars when I drink, but you know what, fuck it. This will be judged as an excuse and marginalization will occur, I have lived in that distant place for most of my adult life. Ive also learned through experience that you have to take what you want. There is a difference between taking and stealing you know. I expect people to react negatively to other peoples truth when it is not convenient. The human ego kills all ability to empathize or to objectively listen even. No matter talking has never helped me. Life is fairly simple for most. Follow the rules, work, mind your own business, use some common sense tactics with your finances. Anyone who doesn't follow this simple effective pattern are lazy, stupid, irresponsible, weak, crazy. Everyone views the world from their perspective and that is natural, but next time you see someone struggling, please don't use that bullshit "i do it" so why cant he dismissive shit. Because you are not him and your perspective is irrelevant. So move on or shut the fuck up. You couldn't walk ten feet in my shoes, and I know you would never try. People are inherently greedy, stuck up, abusive creatures with a small exception. Whoops, Im using my perspective to judge people I don't know anything about. Didn't I just finish thoroughly condemning that? Fuck it. Its a circle of bullshit. The End.