I'm new here. I've struggled with this my whole life. But this time in my life has been the worst. A few months ago, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Something I never would have expected. And that triggered it again. I lost my job, I couldn't move, or stop crying for days. Yeah, it's pathetic. I have been dating, been none of these people feel right. I'm really really good at acting. So they don't see the sadness in me. I don't want to see them, but they're all so nice to me. Things normal people would think are perfect. But I can't connect to any of them. I want to run away, and I know I'm hurting them. I've been sleeping with my ex, but I told him the yesterday when he called me to come over, that I'm not doing that anymore. It's not fair to the people I'm dating. All he said was "well, it's been fun, I still don't want a girlfriend, so good luck with that." On top of this, everything makes everything seem to meaningless. The world, mostly the people and all the situations, i can't get out of my head. Sometimes I get motivated and feel good, and make all these plans to go back to school and work. But it always crashes. What does it even matter anyway? where would it take it me? what's the point of all that in the end? How are other people so content with these jobs. How do other people know exactly what they want and how do they not think about anything else. a couple years ago I had an abortion, at 3 months. my boyfriend and I didn't want to get one. But my parents made me. They were horrible. My dad mostly....would tell me the worst things ever. for example...that it would always be a bastard that nobody wanted even if I got married. that my body would get ruined and ugly and I wouldn't be attractive. I had an uncle who committed suicide..so I know what it does to people...and it should make me not want to go through with this...but in the end...we all die...and it won't matter when I went. and will be better on my family. a burden lifted, having to deal with me, and pay for me... anyways...sorry this long...just a vent....that won't go away. and i could write so much more. but I'll stop here.