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Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by NoNoNo, Nov 11, 2008.

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  1. NoNoNo

    NoNoNo Member

    I'm new here.

    I've struggled with this my whole life. But this time in my life has been the worst.
    A few months ago, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Something I never would have expected. And that triggered it again. I lost my job, I couldn't move, or stop crying for days. Yeah, it's pathetic.
    I have been dating, been none of these people feel right. I'm really really good at acting. So they don't see the sadness in me. I don't want to see them, but they're all so nice to me. Things normal people would think are perfect. But I can't connect to any of them. I want to run away, and I know I'm hurting them.

    I've been sleeping with my ex, but I told him the yesterday when he called me to come over, that I'm not doing that anymore. It's not fair to the people I'm dating. All he said was "well, it's been fun, I still don't want a girlfriend, so good luck with that."

    On top of this, everything makes everything seem to meaningless. The world, mostly the people and all the situations, i can't get out of my head.
    Sometimes I get motivated and feel good, and make all these plans to go back to school and work. But it always crashes. What does it even matter anyway? where would it take it me? what's the point of all that in the end? How are other people so content with these jobs. How do other people know exactly what they want and how do they not think about anything else.

    a couple years ago I had an abortion, at 3 months. my boyfriend and I didn't want to get one. But my parents made me. They were horrible. My dad mostly....would tell me the worst things ever. for example...that it would always be a bastard that nobody wanted even if I got married. that my body would get ruined and ugly and I wouldn't be attractive.

    I had an uncle who committed suicide..so I know what it does to people...and it should make me not want to go through with this...but in the end...we all die...and it won't matter when I went. and will be better on my family. a burden lifted, having to deal with me, and pay for me...

    anyways...sorry this long...just a vent....that won't go away. and i could write so much more. but I'll stop here.
  2. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    Welcome to the forum. Sorry things seem so down for you at the moment. Glad you've found the place though. It helps to talk to others who can understand where you are coming from. You can even have a good rant at things which can also help. If you want to chat my details are in my profile or you can message me anytime. Hope you find the help you are looking for.S.:smile:
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...There are many ppl here who fully understand what you are going through...all I wanted to do is send my caring and encouragement for you to write more and share with us...big hugs, J
  4. NoNoNo

    NoNoNo Member

    Thank you, both of you

    I don't know. i don't know what else to do..I have tried everything. I've been in an inpatient program when I was 19. I hated it. I've tried talking. Still leaves the same feelings. I've had a therapy. My most recent one decided to tell my mother about the drugs I do. So, that was just awesome. I've been on lexapro forever. I don't know.

    Everything is just meaningless. I can't find the meaning anymore. Sometimes I think I do.
  5. snowraven

    snowraven Well-Known Member

    A lot of people simply do not understand what it's like to feel the way you do. Because a lot of us here are all in the same boat I've found that chatting to people here has been more help than anything else I have found.
    The fact your therapist told your Mum about your drug taking is way out of order. How do they ever expect you to trust them if they do that? You deserve better.
  6. NoNoNo

    NoNoNo Member

    yeah...I thought that was illegal or something...for her to tell anyone any information I give her....such BS.
    I don't know what to do.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey NoNoNo,
    Are you under eighteen? if you are then the therapist can talk to your parents. If you are over eighteen then they have to abide by their oath they are suppose to take when they get there license.
    I know you are at rock bottom but I think Snowraven is right in telling you to find a new therapist. Write down a list of questions you want awnsered before you take there services. I went thru three of them before I found Gina. I like her she doesn't take crap off anyone. She told me she had one patient who only saw her so he could flirt with her. She showed him the door and told him not to come back. By the way she is gay so he just made an ass out of himself.
    Just remember we are here for you. If you want to talk or just vent out all your frustrations. Just let it all out. Or if you want, drive somewhere where their aren't any people around and just scream your head off until you can't scream anymore. That tends to work for some people. Take care and remember we are here and we care what happens with you!!~Joseph~
  8. NoNoNo

    NoNoNo Member

    thanks Stranger,

    I'm over 18..I'm actually 23!

    i don't know if i can go through it again. i really liked her and trusted her. I decided i would be very open with her and just tell her everything, then she turned around and did that.ugh.

    i just keep saying I don't know. I can't express these feelings with any other words. I don't know where to go, what to do, who i am, how to do anything.
    and it's getting so frustrating and pissing me off. grrrrrrr:bash::bash::bash::bash::bash::bash::bash::bash::bash::bash::

    i wish i knew of a spot where no one could hear...but sometimes screaming into pillows works ok..
  9. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Have you sat down and talked to her about it? Ask her what about the oath you took when you got your license? She was wrong and should never have done that to you. If you like her then talk to her and let her know if she does it again then you are going to walk!! I hope she hasn't done to much damage to your relationship!! Anyhow if you need to vent then just PM me, I have big shoulders and can take it....Best Wishes!~Joseph~
  10. NoNoNo

    NoNoNo Member

    nooooo, after that I stopped seeing her...it's been a few months now since then..and i'm not going back....

    thank you :)
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