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Lebrika's Story! *trigger

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by lebrika, Jul 16, 2007.

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  1. lebrika

    lebrika New Member

    Hmmm first off my first post obviously! I don't really have anything to ask or anything I just need to write this all out and anyone can add anything or give any advice if they want.

    SO yeh ive been like suicidal / into self harm for about 3 years now. It started out my last year of highschool, I found out my best friend was a cutter and so I did it once to try it and then I couldn't stop and so Ive been doing it off and on since then. I'm really depressed all the time and it probably started first year of jr. high where I lost all my friends becasue everyone all the sudden everyone decided to deem me as gay haha so yeh I went from one of the most popular guys to one with hardly any friends and was harassed all the time, and it stopped eventually by grade 9 but when I entered high school the rumor followed me so I never really had a chance to start over and have alot of friends so I was pretty lonely for the longest time and it sucks cause im honestly not like a loser or even ugly at all or anything. And by the end of highschool I did realize I was totally gay and really had no problem with that in fact im totally out now. Aslo when I turned 18 and could buy booze I started drinking alot like until i passed out and at home alone.

    The year after highschool was pretty rough all my friends from highschool moved away so I was alone for pretty much a whole year and I guess the worst thing I did was overdose on tylenol while really drunk and felt horrible the next day and kept passing out but I didnt tell anyone and no one ever really knew. And to this day im pretty sure it did pretty bad damage to my liver.

    And so after that period of time I went off to university, was pretty shit I was so quiet that no one really got to know me and im sure they all thoguht I was a homo so i didnt make liek any friends there either, but whatever it wasnt so bad. During the year I started goign to gay bars and met my current bf and were a damn good couple, but theres another issue he has HIV which I can't even think about cause he so doesn't deserve it and I have no idea what Id do if i got it from him. ANd I dunno I kept thinking if things in my life changed id be happy but I finally got a bf and fianlly got a really good place to live but inside I feel the same horrible depression.

    And so that leads to the reason why im even posting here cause of what happened on the weekend, Me and my bf were at my place drinking and wathcing tv and he said something to set me off and so I started chugging the vodka and then slashed my arm with a really sharp knife and there was blood all over the kitchen and he started to cry and have a panic attack and so we went to the hospital and got that all fixed up but godddddddddddd! I feel horrible for putting him threw that I can still hear him freaking out in my head.

    SO god I feel so empty and depressed now and i really don't know what to do anymore its like im jsutready for life to be over not casue its so bad but more liek I jsut don't think I can make it

    A cookie for anyone who managed to read that all <3
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2007
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Re: Lebrika's Story! *trigger

    :welcome: to the forum. Sounds like you had a really rough night as well as much of your life not being accepted. You will find many people here in similar situations. I hope you will find you have lots of support and make many new friends. Take care. :hug:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 16, 2007
  3. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Welcome :hug:
  4. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member


    PS: I want my cookie :tongue:
  5. Cybrsk8r

    Cybrsk8r Well-Known Member

    :welcome: I hope you'll stay around. We'd like to get to know you. :hug:
  6. Dudly

    Dudly Well-Known Member

    Welcome! Hang in there bud. You never know what tomarrow brings.
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