Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by justMe7, Jul 11, 2011.

  1. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Not sure if anyone will post or even admit it but why not :)

    I mean those people, things, groups, parts of life that suck the life out of other aspects of life inorder to survive.

    I guess everything in a manner leeches off of everything else. Giving one part and taking another part of somethings flow or energy.

    I mean real leechers. The ones who have no substance and constantly seek out other peoples lives to fill theirs with substance, instead of doing it themselves.

    I personally wake up everyday feeling like a leech, but get sucked into the moment when Im with people, and become it. Distressing but fixable I suppose. I literally cannot function for long without listening to music. Or trying(and failing) to talk to someone. When Im just me... fucking hell. When someone else is around, im completely different. When I want to be with someone, I try too hard. But when I barely try to do anything for myself.

    I always wondered how people could become leeches. Fancy i've become one. I've tried leeching feelings and sensations from emotiontially tormenting myself, but even in that :S.
    Lifes shit when you realize you refused to be, you saw, you ignored, you wanted, and desired but now you have no skills and abilities, but you need.
    Such a shit situation when you feel no satisfaction in anything, that youre nothing more then a leech.

    I keep rebelling against myself inside, it's just, nutty in contrast to what I am. Makes me know no matter what I do, I can't be near or with anyone. One thing to say it but it's like holding your breath forever once I realized it. Anyone know wtf im talking about? Or is this feeling going to fade away like the rest. .. probably will. Im always shit at followups anyhow.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I don t think one is a leech hun i think mental illness shows it self in many ways You deserve care and so do others that suffer hugs to you
  3. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Interesting, cause I do. There are people who go so deep then they just dont know what to do so the wait for the other person to go deep and then they just minic.

    hugs to you too
  4. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    When someone is "ill" mentally,physically or both they aren't able to cope with life like a "normal" person should or could be able too. Therefore to call them a "leech" or a parasite would be wrong...

    The reality is all humans are run by their ego... we're all egoists, and selfish in nature, although some to lesser degree then others. If you're not getting affection, love, and attention you'll seek that out... So one could say you're trying to leech feelings off of other people, but in reality you're just seeking love and happiness...

    It's often people that are "ill" or have a deflated ego(less egotistical then most people) are the most in touch with themselves and have the most to give, they're also the most fragile and vulnerable...

    Basically it all comes down to you're perspective, it matters more how you look at things then how they actually are...
  5. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    idk.. I really don't know anymore. Whatever I'm doing with people I'm doing it wrong. I watch them slowly retreat, even the ones that were so close. I know theyre going through their own things but..
    Im not mentally ill, im just tired and drained from failing so much. There's just.. i want alot but doing it is so draining to me. I can list enough excuses as to why, but it's just excuses.
    The worst part is when people start retreating from me, it's either something going on in their life or I'm giving off the impression they can't open up, which is fine. But the timing? I can only conclude I've become more and more of a "leech" towards people. I can give off a good first impression but maybe at the core of it im just.. hot air? I swear to god if that's true on any level Im not bothering with people. I get too deep with them to fill that part of their lives at that time with the possibility of it just being waste of time or someoenes just wanting them to suck the life out of them.

    Frustrating because, it kills me to close doors to things I feel. It's like sealing parts of me behind an airtight chamber. I forget they exist. I'm tired of having to close parts of myself off to survive. Ive only just found them again.. fuck sakes:sad:

    but i have to do what's right.. No matter what that feels like. So if that means leaving on certain levels with people or all together. So be it.
    As far as direct leeching? Idk, I think my problem is getting close to people. I just collapse at some point so I think Im going to keep a certain respectable distance.

    Lifes shit sometimes, especially for people who primarily find comfort in their own head and heart. It's a fucker when someone else makes you feel special, but then you watch as whatever youre doing pushes them away.

    :turtle: Meh :smile: i dont think I could close the doors on that one even if i tried tbh. Just something to live with, and make the best of i guess.

    You can turn your ego off to a degree by shifting your perception onto other things and people while sourcing from a accepted stance of equality. Though I suppose the construction and perception of that "equality" was built first hand with ego. ..meh
  6. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    :hug: Not sure I understand why you feel you're a leech. We are not leeches just because we need support. To me, a leech is someone who sucks another person's resources dry without caring about what they're doing to that person. I don't think you are leech! I think perhaps you find it hard to ask for support and have been hurt when people didn't come through for you with even minimal support.

    And as for people retreating...Yes, some have their own issues at the time. Others are sadly just more into themselves than into other people. Neither of those things makes you a bad person in any way.

    I have the sense that when you don't need support yourself, you're there for others you care about. How does that make you a leech?
  7. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Alot of it is I get so much from people, but in the end I give next to nothing back of substance. Yet i grow and continue on, and open up, kinda making them open up more aswell. But because I have no substance to bring stability to what's going off, i fall apart very easily, and just to get back to where I was with some people, I need alot to just reconnect. Alot of reminders and stuff, which drains the life out of them because they're not moving forward they're backtracking and having to reassure me or re-live an experience that perhaps wasnt meant to because of me. idk..
    there's just been alot of crap happening in the last months, ive insanly worried inside that im losing everyone. I convince myself that it's inevitable, and I come up with new reasons and justifications and literally construct a moment that tears me down away from people because of the slightest of things that make me feel that im pushing them away. Or more to the point that alot of how im feeling is in my head and not being reciprocated. The last thing I want to is to put pressure or throw crap in someones lap that they dont want.

    The leeching part stems from the point that I literally do not help myself. I'm surrounded by reasons to make me feel like crap, but at the sametime.. There are reasons outside of my normal life to keep going but I feel insanly disturbed by sourcing to those for motivations, especially if alot of how I feel is in my head. It's a potential draining aspect because I need, things. Like most people I guess. I just.. feel that who I am I can't have those things because of various real reasons, and to involve someone into my life on anylevel is putting them into harms way. There are a few things that I'm doing and have had to do that I know are leeching that haunt me to this day. I literally can't escape the realities of what I've allowed to happen, and the compassion people give me and the shit they put themselves through to help me. I can't take it sometimes. But I have too so I just kinda..

    It doesnt make sense. You don't do something to help someone, put yourself in a shit situation and pretend that everythings fine. Then what? I find out about it later? Or have it thrown in my face when I piss them off.

    My heads a serious mess at times, if i could id cry it out but i never feel safe enough to cry except for a few tears but I regain composure quickly. It's just the cold hard facts of things, as long as Im not helping myself, Im leeching the life out of whom ever im around. And because i am emotionally immature, I can't respond appriopriately to people, especially those I love. I don't know that much about it, not because it's not there, but... idk. Drives me nuts. I hate draining, i just want to give. But not just give, i want to connect and understand someone on the same level as they do me, to a degree atleast. Instead I botch it up and drain. ... ug I only feel better after I can dump the crap out of my head and it lets me see I have to help myself and keep my own soul afloat as they say. These words and thoughts just race trying to explain how I feel to myself so I can find the better parts of me. Everythings out of sync.. Though I know why that's happened recently. I had a few bad arguments and I shut down during them but I still feel the words and concepts being thrown around. It's not helped I guess, and it's made me very screwy with people too.

    jesus christ I write too much :( You know a simple hug from the right person could nullify all that crap. But the crap that get's in the way and the sht around me, and this and that....:sad:

    I donno what to think. I just want to be a positive part of life not this.. whatever i am. AnD leeching? :sad:
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You're waaaay too hard on yourself. :hug: So much of what you say, such as wanting to understand other people and give to them, tells me that you are NOT the "bad" person you think you are.

    To me, you sound as if it's kind of scary for you to approach people on an emotion level. Fear of rejection or not measuring up can get us stuck in our feelings of inadequacy. Happens to me sometimes, anyway.

    What if you allow yourself to be YOU around people? Without judging yourself negatively. You honestly seem to be a sincere, genuine person. Believe in yourself and your good qualities, and others will believe in you too. :)
  9. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    My situations fucked to be honest.

    Im trying to get through it, but at the sametime im getting really bad. I don't particulary know how to tell anyone, but over the past 3 days I've been waking up feeling so drained like I could sleep longer. I've been shaking minorly a bit too but that's because of how I feel I guess. It's not a matter of sleep, it's I have absolutly no stability in my life now. Not in my relationship, not in a future relationship, not in a career, not in this country, not back home with my parents and their life, not with my "friends". And most seriously, not with who I am. I never have, but for some reason everything about me feels shaken and destroyed. Now every moment I feel something or need something it's getting lost, or the connection with it is draining the life out of me. The only way I can feel a real flippen hug anymore is in my head, by turning on a song. I wake up in the morning and feel like I can't, like this isn't happening.
    It's rough because I have inspiration in my life from people, especially from one person but how Im feeling and stuff... I can't source from that person. It's wrong. I know I'm on a midsection of collapsing mentally into a really bad perception on life. I'm literally pumping myself everymoment I can get with really positive music or aggressive music to inspire me, but that's draining because I have to balance that with kindness otherwise Ill feed off of it. Im just that emotionally exhausted that I can't let the worst parts of life anywhere near me. but I can't get awy from them too. Plus my inability to sustain myself it's pounding the fucking life out of me because I refuse to accept my situation but at the sametime it feels almost impossible to get out of. Im socially screwed. This is a huge deal, not just for me, but in principle. I have no skills either, and the worst part, because of how I've lived my life, I've learnt nothing or taken anything onboard. I have barely anything to source from. I can make garbage general talk out of things if I have the material in my head, but there's nothing in there. All I have is this emotional baggage and Im not being funny, this shit has pushed even the most beautiful of people away. Im so fucking tired of this, and I know once I stop typing Im just watching an hour glass drain more and more.

    ... chilling. It's just tiring. I keep summerising my life, projecting my life.. With what I have and who I am, I keep crashing it down to the floor. I know, a real positive life is possible. It's just incredibly hard for me to believe it without anchors, and I have none really, except for soem people, but I can't really source from them, I don't want that. It's just me, and tbh I need to get the fuck away from people but I need people too. I need alot but I have nothing to give it's .. bah.

    I have to run around in circles like this about my life because my lifes shit and I can't accept it, it'll kill me. I've just gone from a gentle fun pace to insanity recently, and all im seeing is failing and leeching.

    Im not too hard on myself. If I wasnt as realistic with myself people would walk all over me even more with their suddeltese that I accept and incorporate. It's so difficult to be me. I consume and adapt to the envionrment and people around me, unless I am drastically harsh with myself. It's geting so hard to repel my reality I think.
    Being myself with people? lol... it's wavey. funny, idiotic, ignorant, serious, stupid, just doesn't get it......... no being me on my own doesn't work with people. I've nothing to express anyways so idk.

    Out of context, out of the moment, I seem to have a firmer grasp on things. In the moment it's pathetic. Almost like a deer stuck in the headlights, like "duh waa" written all over me.
    I'm tired of not having a safe safe safe safe loving safe safe place to rest my thoughts and feelings in and to grow my life from there. Im far too all over the place to not have anchors. Without them, I can make myself lose my own identity until whatevers left of me just automatically resists.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 19, 2011
  10. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    How about if I believe in you for now, until you get yourself to a place where you can believe in yourself, too?

    It's hard to find anchors and people in life when we feel things are all over the place. Can you break things into smaller steps to resolve things a bit at a time?

    Anyway, know I care and that I'm thinking of you, OK? :hug:
  11. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    If only it were that simple :smile: I appricate it though. It's difficult for me with text on a screen to be honest. It bares barely any substance to me, infact alot of things don't anymore. It used to but now, it's a struggle.

    Well, ill be honest, It'll be in my head atleast as a reminder to stop myself and have a re-think I guess.

    I try to break things up, but it's so much and I really know what I'm doing, so it's, the whole all the time and the small steps. I can't really turn it off. In this situation I don't deserve to aswell..
    Idk maybe it's going to get alot worse and the world will crash truly and I'll be left with just me, and Ill have to make a real choice.

    idk.. But thankyou :) I don't think it'll calm my thoughts or feelings, but .. might give me pause for a moment :)
    Perhaps I don't understand what it means actually...
  12. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    At this moment, it's painful tranquility.. or so I wish I had some so I could feel me again. I still am me, but it's.. so pointless, im so pointless. I feel contaminated by fucking stupid views and points of views from people. I'm feeling numbed, quelled inside. Neutralised by the views of others as I relate myself to those points. I am just me. I can't project more than what I am, and I don't really want to. I don't care... I just want to live.. live with and in life as I am and feel.. think.. see. Not be stuck in this pathetic linear life that I just do not work well in. And the only way to re-deem myself in the eyes of society and life is to compromise. Even then, I can't do it. Because I lie to myself. I give up on my time and strengthen your time. I'd rather strengthen my time with myself or my perception of existence. I'm bored of languages that tease the moment with their astonishing depictions. I'm fed up of being questioned and having to adjust to respond appriopriatly and safely... I ENJOY collapsing under the weight of my own mind and heart with drugs.. I feel alive.. I feel honestly challenged, forced to see myself, forced to exist in the presence of my life. Able to find myself, able to remember and hold myself.
    I feel like nothing. I show nothing, I give nothing.. I'm a fucking decaying worthless entity. My strengths become your toys, which makes me useless if not a tool. Atleast a drug doesn't make me feel like a fool and stupid, then numbingly change the subject. For a moment I can try... try for whatever I want to try. Reacting... but what I am aware of and react to when Im is so...

    I hate existing... and then trying to exist in this fucking world of views that can be distorted. I hate touching the pond... I hate the ripples... I hate the dominence and submission.. I hate the waste of time.. I hate forgetting... I hate being overlystimulated and discreasing or forgetting the importance of those before and after... of those that exist throughout regardless. I hate being forced to care if some fucker makes it to work ontime or if I'm contributing for what i want. I hate the help offered, I hate the lies people tell themselves over years of training that makes them think they know what they're doing. If you know what you're doing, you have to let me do it. If you think prodding and stimulating certain things is going to help, let me explain something to you. I exist, and if I need you to exist im fucking useless. And I hate not being able to understand something on my own. No, if it's something that's created by us, I'll learn... but I hate the fucking concrete definitions, the narrowness sometimes. I... just go with it and forget. Useless.....

    God I need ... to show for fuck sakes that im not fucking nuts... some strange distance past feeling of caring about the rest of life on some level. Maybe it's egotistical... i worry it is. I dont want to play with it... I dont want to touch your ponds.. i want to swim in the ocean... but am too afraid to open the door and step through. I ... can not be forced to step through.. Does no one understand this. If you force me through, I never saw the door, I never saw the pathway to it.. I never became so aware and interested that I wanted to.. I never learned my right reasons for wanting to do something, that strengthens my determination to exist and interact with life. I just went with the flow... trusted... Projected to when Icould be honest. Now im just..

    My life is just a mess, but it's as real as it's ever been it feels like. And that means im trying to exist,,, perhaps distortidly, but ... I fucking loath the simplistic anchors that are abused and require ... things. Im useless, weak... im stimulated by music... stopping the decay of care. The care that exists to protect and enforce my momentum... be it in how i breath, how i see, how i define, how I speak......... how I exist. But does it matter ? If i want then yes. Some sense of satisfaction that isn't cold, that isn't methodical... some sense of connection..
    I feel HORRIBLE i dont like this way of thinking... I hate it... i hate my mind... make it stop... make me feel....... let me feel....... let me just be me whatever the fuck that is... but when im me i dissolve more... it's like holding a statue of sand.. It feels like just trying to keep things afloat is taking up all my time. Just trying to keep things how they are without loseing more is the endgame.. where the fuck did I go wrong? Where the fuck did all these dreams go? Where the fuck is the new... ahhhhhh The next thing... the god damn next thing... I feel like a leech. ...

    am I a leech... Im combating it.... Because im so afraidand opposed to it.. i see it so much. I just am having trouble seeing a way to exist without giving back, and not being wrong or having that give, which is directly connected to who i am, being abused or twsited. .. god.. maybe im tired. ive been getting high constantly, sleeping irregularly, went to bed at 5 got up at 3 am, wanted to clean up but i dont want to wake up the neighbours.. wanted to do this.. wanted to do that... knew i could... didn't do it... Idont care.... fuck it.. rage....regret.... it's all ..

    mmm :) fucked. I have absolutely nothing to offer back that I consider worthwhile. What some consider worthwhile isn't for me.. it's not what I want... and what I want I can't say because Im afraid ill destroy it just like I have almost every other thing in my life.. When there's nothing in your life that you can look at and be warmed by, or proud of or inspired by ... i mean if i wanted to connect with certain things, I have to compromise other things... but nothing from me. Nothing I've done.. Nothing I've created.. I've done nothing. It's all felt like multipul lives at some points, disassociatingjust enough so I can breath away from my failings. Which is a major part of the problem, but also a major point to my existence. I just suck at life, so I make loads of problems. My problems would dominate my life in my attempts to fix them, to create and design myself. To control myself. I dont like masks... I'm tired of just ... sometimes it feels like that mask and substance of overcoming problems wouldhave given me the personal substance to anchor to and build around. ANd I fucking do not want to do that. Might aswell accept ignorance completely and forget about it. Hold hands and dance around ina fucking circle. What the fuck is that? Grab a moment of happyness, keep it going with others? Im tired... SO FUCKING TIRED OF .............
    ah...maybe i've put somethings to sleep that I should re-awake... without letting them dominate and infect other parts of me with the ever fearful and confused aspects. Great... ive resorted to fucking planning. Oh I dont know about that.. im planning at best till the rents due. Then it's open again... I Just want something.... not something u give me.. fuck off. Get the fFUCK AWAY FROM ME. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT IF YOU FUCKING SHOW ME EH! LIKE YOU FUCKING KNOW ANYHOW... I...ohhh god I had this shit under control so long ago... now I feel almost justified. Where the fuck did this shit come from? Atleast I can dance in my own feelings and mind... who cares? Not you people. and thankfuck for that. Your gaze would infuriate me. Yet I post? FUcking contradictions... oh i bet someones getting fed up now... have i offended you? If i have... you've offended me. So fuck off yah? Go find something else to latch onto or relate to or distance yourself from. Im fucking sick of this WAY of life. .. it works.. it's progressive.. it keeps going... it keeps going... it keeps going............. would be nice to understand the scope of it and respect it... but i feel like id ont give a shit. I dont trust anyone ... trust is such a problem... commitment is such a problem, honesty and determination.... awareness in the forward motions, and stances of what becomes affected. ... seriously.. i want that release.. where my ego silences... where its motion becomes a distant memory and the life around me just is regardless of me...

    Do you know how hard it is to just care to clean up? Honestly, its sooo simple eh? FUCK OFF. You're in my network, that fucking thing I have to pick up is taking me away from my moment, it's importance comes into play, it's place comes into play, the things around it come into play, the things later come into play.. I HAVE TO FUCKING Incorporate it into me... HOW MANY LIES AND FUCK UPS do I have to disassociate to feel comfortable with it???? Oh Well, not that many... but the major ones in my life... like being an absolute failure.. kinda make me not give a shit. But I gotta... i gotta give a shit... Stupid song... stupid mother fucking song this is all because of this fuckign song on repeat... LEECHING.....atleast it keeps me stable... atleast it gives me consistancy through my inconsistancy. ITS WHY I NEED SOMETHING. SOMETHING to BELIEVE in through it all... its not god, it's not humanity... obviously my fucking ego is kicking in... or i just refuse to accept. .. i dont want to accept... Im not stepping down and being your pawn... Im not stepping up and being your anchor... IM NOT PLAYING.. IM NOT PARTICIPATING.... oh but youd make me if youfound a way.... youd FORCE ME TO..........fuck off... Ill deal with that if that ever came into play. Oh and you fucking morons who dont get what I mean by that, I mean any form of interaction that dictates my life. Oh you say everyone goes does this? ..erhm no. THEY CHOOSE TO BE OR DONT KNOW ANY OTHER WAY. Such is a compromise of society... fuckmefuckyoufuckus? Nah, keep it up... thats the problem. I need solitude... yet I desire to swim in the fucking sea of life. So I get to be special and pick and choose? Oh lucky me.. leech... This whole thing is fucked.. NOT HOW I WOULD RAISE ME..... im so fucking mad at absolutely nothing cause ...well idk. I should just accept and grow from that acceptance. Im sure theres some damn saying that makes that sounds "just right"... go fuck yourself and your just right bollocks that puts me in my "Place". FUCK YOU... I have one place you cannot know, and Ill be damned if you EVER TELL ME what that is.

    sigh... just attacking... just attacking attacking attacking...... no harmony... nothing fits... atm. It's all... mutely limited. DRUGS YOU FUCKER YOURE MY EXUSE.... *Sigh* the easiest excuse. "Oh but it's appriopriate and justfiable" ..... does no one understand this, the limiations I experience based off of the aspects I bring into my life cannot be used as jusitifcations for being ANYTHING BUT who I am. IF THIS is whoI am, THEN I FAILED somehow. Failed to retain, failed to reist, failed to see... failed to keep up, failed to speak...failed to be silent... failed to act... failing to dream... failing to precieve.... failing to connect........... failing to try.... blah blah blah Glad Im done with that fucking jumpy spiral bollocks. So angry and fed up with myself... WELL WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO BE BESIDES ME? Ive got my pains.. ive got my fears.. my terrors.. my limitations that are so simple your whipser could "traumatise" me. I fear my reactions to your observations more than anything. Let alone my thin fucking line of patience... The patience... omg whats in that is so beautiful... Fucking humbeling sometimes... more than me... something more than god damn me that's honest.... oh wait.. im not honest.. stay away. I cant... stay away.. no im not runining anything anymore... im no..... ARG..... FUCK!!!! The only thing left is to try.. .try for what? Im getting connective memory flashbacks. I was always here.. those weren't dreams. I remmeber things.. things I .. my life. I remmeber my life... it's always here... it wasn't a fleeting moment... it's just compounded... IM WASTING THIS LIFE AND IM SIC K OF WASTING MY LIFE. Im not going to use the embarasment related to the rest of life... just my inability to harness my own life, or ffs just enjoy it.
    Enjoy it... for what? WHAT FUCKING PURPOSE IS THERE TO ENJOY IT!! Sustainability? Continuity? Momentary satisfaction? id rather go for that... id rather explore... but that all relates to FUCKING EVERYTHING ELSE. THISD UISgoa£tgufcK!!!!!!!!!!! Wonder how much fucking time ive wasted on this... ATLEAST Its a memory and in the moment flash in words... Atleast it's something beside the ever moving clouds of existence in my head and chest.. Beats being lost in the moment, then getting lost in another... idk what I want... idk who i am idk what I am... well I do.. ffs i do.. i have to defend what i say because of the possible interpretations of things... i hate talking... i hate talking and having to direct and explain and SUBJEC T SOMEONE ELSE TO ME. I think i made myself this way out of anger and fear to what I felt was lost forever. Makes me angry if i think like that... I try not to.. ffs... I feel like im at the bottom of the worlds ladder. Honestly, fuck playing your games... fuck your flows and rythms... until you do something that is so intoxicating it steals my attention... Im tired of being your puppet... im tired of being more stupid than a puppet. Im tired of moving to your motions and told to shut up when I truly know I should. Im not a part of your lives.. dont include me. I don't care for what you care for, but I try to respect and care for those but it dissolves me... it confuses me... it limits me... it makes me care too much and less about other things... I hate this fucking life... fucking methodical bullshit... just going to shut my head off and let my chest kill me again and again and again...., it burns so fucking much and Its... i shake I try i try and it all...... I feel alive for a moment...

    Im disgraceful.. Fuck off with ego stroking, like your opinon is going to change me. Go give it to someone who cares.. :(
  13. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Hey Blakey - just a thought, and you can throw it out if you want straight away and call me whatever you like, but..... and it's going to be random, eh? But a thought you might not have thought before........

    but Psalm 88 and what you've just written have their similarities......

    King David (who wrote the Psalms) often suffered with depression. Reading them you can see he was no saint, he bedded another man's wife and then had the husband murdered etc..... But God still loved him and chose him for great things.

    You're in good company :)

    Not that I'm suggesting for one moment - having just read this - that you've done that - (adultery, murder etc.)
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2012
  14. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Well I do appricaiate the response :) We come from different worlds however, that "good company" is a connection in itself to others and god. ... actually Im sorta confused by what you mean. Do you mean that No matter what things are going to "happen" and God will always love me?

    Idk I don't want to rip into that, I don't believe in god, but I do appricate the thought :) I woudn't call you in anycase, you're just talking. I just defiantly do not connect my existence to God, or atleast to the ideaology of God that is here. And I get very hesitiant to see life in those motivated by God, such as mr King David.. who from what you've written sounds like he struggled to combat his desires and proceeded to act upon them, blanking himself to a commitment he made with his God and self. I will say, that he had a god, he had connection with authority, love, desire,. he made things happen. The source of that was either his own desires and/or his connection with God. I don't believe in god, nor do I really care to compare myself to someone so grandure as a king whose responsibilies and life would be very structured. It's sorta confusing in contrast. As it would be with anyone if I compared. I suppose if you may be saying that despite his apparent leeching of life from that man and women(in many aspects) and his complete destruction of life to them and all affiliated, there is retribution and care from a being larger than who he was? Despite his flippant ways..
    Ewk... Falling into the grace of another is very dangerous for me. Accepting the existence of such a being is as fathomable as it is not. I just want to be.. without taking. But exitence contradicts this, as Im forced to eat, im forced to interact and live. Such is the gift and curse I suppose... I dont want to play but I want to play... Struggeling to connect and express from "Purpose" is very limiting for me. Atleast from a connection to god. Especially one who by my view, if it existed, is either allowing life here to be what it is in the restraints it is given, or is in itself..... well. I have many beliefes that interact with eachother that aren't chained by the ignorance of a person who thinks he knew god and could write about it's define Wake on a piece of paper and call it the message of god... :) such is my own internal ignorance I suppose.

    For me, I'm responsibile for my actions, here now and later. With due respect to time and how events transpire.. but the responsibility I have in how I effect other lives is driving me nuts, because of who I am.. Trying to be me doesnt work with people. There is no graceful clasp of a hand on my shoulder or warm embrace at the end. That is beyond my comprehension and only serves to disassociate myself from the reality I current reside in. And I have pleanty of distractions that flow through my time. God if it does exist, is simply letting me be what i am. And if it does exist... i hope we meet eye to eye ... and I aint playing its games..
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 6, 2012
  15. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    A very genuine reply Blakey, thank you.

    God does let us be what we are - and we are the ones who decide that. Sometimes (I know in my own case, for various reasons cannot go into here for lack of time) our identity can get confused.... between the black swan and the white dog.
    ie - the good parts of us that want to soar, and the bad parts of us that we feel are pulling us down.

    Re-ligio - the word actually means (from the Latin) to reconnect.

    To reconnect with our life source - Reality, that is bigger than our little 'i'.

    If you look around, see how many know there is something missing in their lives - this connection, that they try and fill in so many other ways, reaching out to drugs, entertainment, acquisitions, accomplishments etc. - (Not all are bad, by any means) but we know when we reconnect with God, that He is that missing piece.

    But the choice is ours, we can do it, or not do it. Life is full of choices, but we only choose what we believe is going to be good, and work for us. So really, life is beliefs. And I wasn't going to settle for stuff that wasn't true. Having made that choice, the discovery went on from there........

    Blessings and strength
  16. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    :) glad you've found your way so to say.

    As far as I go, everythings existing how it does. That's not the problem, and it is too. It's just how things are...