Left in the cold...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SteveW, Aug 27, 2006.

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  1. SteveW

    SteveW New Member

    Before I start, I need not someone telling me 'your life is not that bad,' or 'it'll get better,' I already know both statements to be completely false, so please, do not belittle me with such comments. Harsh, but true feelings there.

    My life. I live a live of darkness. I sit at home, on my computer, on the internet most of the day, if not on a game's console. I only go out to work/school because life debates you need money, and an education, and to certain 'activities,' due to the hidden life I try to live.

    On the outside, to many, I have been told I seem warm and bubbily, always there to help people with their problems. Yet, I never have anyone to help. In real life, I have made friends with many people, in the most part, they end up leaving me, or bullying me, driving down my self-confience and ability to feel emotion, turning me into nothing but pulp.

    On the inside, I am depressed. I am sick, I am lonely. A man cannot live off internet friendship alone, I do not have someone to hug me when I am upset, I do not have a shoulder to cry on, all it is is words on a screen.

    My life has taken a downwards spiral for some years now, leaving me embarassed, harassed, and angry at the world. I have lost my path in religion, I have no real friends, only those who want something off me...I have nothing to live for, as I sit lonely at home.

    I have had the discussions, the anger management, the many visits to doctors. I am sick and tired of being told by teachers 'we'll help you through this' only for them, as well as professionals just giving up, putting me off as a whinger, as a waste of time.


    Now, you might look at this entire document and think 'geez, life isn't that bad,' but you do not live my life. I am out in the cold, I am the outsider, the loner, the one who never leaves the house unless he needs to. Yet I do not show my emotion, feelings I cannot express it anymore, because of the reactions I have had.

    Suicide, is more likely to give my life significance. Please someone, help me in my array of thoughts...I need reason to live, otherwise, what use to life is there?

    My work here is done, why wait?



    I would like to add, that the only thing that has stopped me dead as of yet is when someone threatened to kill themselves if I killed myself. This was online, since then my life has dwindelled into me becoming cold and emotionless...I am lost....
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2006
  2. silverflash

    silverflash Well-Known Member

    Welcome!
    All I can say is that I understand where you are coming from. Life is grim - Yes it stinks. Life is unfair. Life is painful and yet I want to encourage you to hang in there because that's what I've got to do and if I've got to do it, so have you!! Somewhere there has to be hope for everybody. Don't give up looking for it.
     
  3. SteveW

    SteveW New Member

    Thankyou for your post, but it does not give meaning to my life.

    I gave up hoping that this feeling would go away after my about seventh? eighth? bunch of mates left me for the 'popular' sector? Or one friend disagreed, and threw me into depression with a wave of insults and gang-attacks.

    Imagine being in a castle, with no escape, with a fire raging from within. That is my life, I have given up hoping, the world just feeds off it to put me down.
     
  4. silverflash

    silverflash Well-Known Member

    Sorry - Perhaps I didn't express it very well. What I meant is that there has to be hope for everybody to find meaning for their lives. Just hoping by itself will never take away the pain of life, but there has got to be an answer somewhere.
    I hope that I have explained what I mean a bit better - if not, I will just shut up!!!
     
  5. Casey.

    Casey. Well-Known Member

    You're a type of member i havent seen around a lot lately. I won't give you the "feel free to pm" or "things are going to get better" or "ehugs" because I know you know better than that.
    and I honestly don't know how to reply to this... I think you're a very wise person.
    Feel better.
     
  6. InnerStrength

    InnerStrength Well-Known Member

    This is what you said:

    "I have been told I seem warm and bubbily, always there to help people with their problems. Yet, I never have anyone to help. In real life, I have made friends with many people, in the most part, they end up leaving me, or bullying me, driving down my self-confience and ability to feel emotion, turning me into nothing but pulp."


    Here's what I have to say:

    Strength doesn't come from other people, it comes from within yourself. Yes, it is nice to have other people to lean on, but it is not required. The reason you can't find strength is because your loaning it to everybody else. Cut them off, and give it to yourself. You say you're in a castle, but you haven't felt at home in it yet. Use it to separate yourself from people, and only let those you want in!.

    Yes, it would be great if everyone else was warm and bubbly, but that is not the case. You will find those that are, but be weary of those that are prepared to use you for their own benefit. Bascically, become your own person and do not let other's actions abandonment influence you--except only to fuel your drive.
     
  7. thecrow

    thecrow Member

    Pets are good for lonliness. do you have a pet? It gives you something to live for at least. You sound like a good, nice person, just don't let people step on you. if anyone gives you attitude, question them immediately, ask them what they mean in a smooth way, don't just take weird stuff from friends. drive them into a corner with your questions until they become ashamed and leave you alone. keeping quiet makes people carry on being mean to you. and remember that people can smell low self confidance a mile away. so just believe in yourself if this is the case. :tongue:

    :smile: hope you feel better soon. and remember there are millions of people like you, everybody cares, if only they could be there with you instead of online somewhere in their lonesome flats...
     
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