Left to my own devices...I might die soon.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by wallflower, Jan 8, 2016.

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  1. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    My label of schizoaffective was changed last year to bipolar1. I have been on Abilify30mgs and Vyvanse40mgs for the past year. I stopped taking Abilify for about four months or so, I'm not sure I have lost track completely. I haven't been taking it and I have not been hearing voices, or hallucinating. But I think I'm dying. My ex boyfriend died in April and I found out he had been injecting heroin. He <mod edit - methods> the day after I came back to get my belongings since I broke up with him a week before. I knocked on the bathroom door to find it closed with him passed out in front of it, and he died the next day, April 13th 2015. He was the only guy who ever listened to anything I had to say. Had been living with him for a month before I moved out. I just took <mod edit - methods>, and I'm feeling shocks.

    My dad moved out of the house after I was put into jail over losing my friend Lexus in 2013. Even though I was not involved there were allegations by the defense of theft so I got entangled. I was treated poorly and deprived of my anti-psychotics in jail, which led to my decision to stop taking the pills and treating the whateveryoucall it. Because I don't even know what makes me so sick anymore. My dad moved out and left me to take care of my rambling psychotic mom in this big three story house in rural West Virginia, that's falling apart. He comes home sometimes to bring groceries.

    I have to call him repeatedly so he knows we are out of groceries. He usually leaves the phone off. I have no income or resources of gov. assistance. I just get the money my dad wires each day as allowance/30 dollars. I am probably dying, I think I have cancer or aids. My dad is keeping his new residence a secret from me. But my brother knows where he lives. It hurts. Is that because I'm a woman or because I'm crazy or my friends were loser junkies. apparently all three. I want to die now so that I don't slowly fade into nothing. I have red lumps that hurt on my breasts and I haven't had a period in two months, I feel sick and my body hurts. I either have cancer or AIDs. But the doctor at urgent care didn't know or didn't care. Right now I feel like I'm being shocked around my neck but I don't really care. I wish I had <mod edit - methods> but I couldn't will myself to do it. Mostly because I care about my brother who is 22 and lives in NY city he's successful, I don't want to hurt or lose him. I feel like dying would prove a point, plus I am so depressed...I think I'm dying anyways.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 9, 2016
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Urgent care doctors they just want to get you in and out you need to go to hospital emergency ok and let them examine you and get you back on the medications you need to stay stable and to get strong again Get the care you deserve ok you deserve to be well hugs to you
     
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  3. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    I feel a lot better this morning. I felt the power of angels surround me last night and calmed down. I need to call my dad and tell him what's going on. That I need a new psychiatrist and primary care doctor--as I was prescribed vyvanse for one month, when my next appointment was two months away, it makes no sense to prescribe someone a medication that they'll run out of before they see you again, when it's an ADHD medication you can't get a refill until the next appointment. So it just seems careless.
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi and welcome to the forum. You are entitled to feel how you do but you must try to find some positive things. How old are you? Are you not able to get govt. assistance? Sounds like your brother is living the life and it's making you feel bad about yours (thats how I am with my sister too-she's successful and I'm a high school drop out) but positive, positive, positive is the way to move forward. Please tell us more about yourself if you want to.
     
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  5. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Hello and thank you for the welcome! *HUGS* I'm 27. Just turned 27 on January 13th. Well I have Bipolar and Adhd, and recovered from psychosis. Just saw my psychiatrist today and had a very meaningful and positive discussion. He's such a nice man. He mentioned that my name, Gabrielle, means messenger of the angels and then I asked if he was a Christian, and he said actually that he's a Muslim. There are so many good people in the world. A lot of the reason I've been upset, is I have been having visions/premonitions of the future a lot. I try to separate those from actual symptoms of mental illness. I haven't been having hallucinations in many years, and my new psychiatrist confirmed my belief that I was misdiagnosed from the start with schizoaffective/schizophrenia. He removed the psychosis attributes from my files etc. I appreciate that a lot I think he both understood it means a lot to me, but also that I haven't shown those symptoms in so long it's regressive to carry a label like that for my life. I was diagnosed with chronic schizophrenia as a sixteen year old, and I told my psychiatrist in my intake as most honestly and detailed as I could about my episode that got me hospitalized, and over time he realized that this is what caused most of the problems I struggle with. Namely, feeling depressed and obsessive from time to time. Bipolar is similar though, I can go into moods where with Bipolar 1 I could be flighty or somewhat out there, but it isn't severe. I would never hurt someone even if I was completely out of my mind, there are certain elements that are so embedded within my personality and self I couldn't do anything like that. However, I have struggled since I was 15 and hospitalized, which suicidal thoughts and ideation, or attempts. My most severe one landed me in a hospital for nine weeks.

    Yeah like you said, positivity has been one of the main cornerstones of my breakthrough. I think I'm just maturing and waking up to who I am and growing up, really defining myself and individuality, and more embracing towards God. So with that comes a heightened awareness of others' suffering and the suffering I have endured my whole life. Sometimes it makes me want to give up. I was struggling with severe depression when I posted this. But that lifted quickly. Just that one response lifted me enough, and then I woke up and I had a fleeting vision of my family member's faces, then I often hear but not literally, intuitive messages from God who said, that I will know my life's purpose soon. That I have a purpose. He knew that this was how I feel, kind of like I haven't fulfilled much in life. I have also struggled with nightmares for a long time it probably is PTSD but when I pray I often feel answered or I hear God nudge me and I listen. When my uncle died of an overdose, I sat outside on the porch and I was emotional and crying, and praying, and then God said "Promise me never to kill yourself, if only you knew how powerful you are, how strong you are and people need you." Heard is subjective, he really told me this. I am not sure the source of the voice, but it was positive, and sometimes when God speaks to me I get upset, so I am working on that unlike I was in the past, to meditate. I feel guilty, that I attempted suicide after I heard my uncle speak not to. I really felt upset that my uncle died. I felt like It was my fault for being angry or messing with the occult. I blamed myself for coincidences. Then I committed to God, fully, or goodness. Full commitment to God does not necessarily mean a book, or a religion, just a simple belief in God's word, which are beyond books.

    So I'm a deep person and hit lows from now and then, but I haven't attempted suicide since I broke ties with bad people and stopped being irresponsible. I was channeling a lot of pain, the best thing for us is community and love. I believe God or me in unity with God's message has helped heal me from the schizophrenia as well. I need to look at how far I have come to recover. Also, when I woke up that morning after I posted on this forum, not only did I have flashing images of my family, but I thought about how love is not about putting yourself first, It's hard to describe, I Just felt like I was right- that I would not only hurt people who love me, but I would not be there for them when they need me. That my love is stronger than that and I should not give in to those negative thoughts. I have survived a lot and so has everyone.
     
  6. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member


    Also adding, I went to the doctor and I do not have any serious diseases. It's just a winter rash. I was over reacting due to being down about not having a job, but I know I can work on that.
     
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