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Legitimate question

#1
So I have a question no one has ever been able to give me an answer to... at least not a reasonable or even good one.

I am what I would consider mid-life. I have had difficulty with emotions and mental faculty for a long time. But after 10 years in the military, it ramped up significantly. To be clear, I have never really had any problems that manifested as trouble in work, school, home life. It wasn't until the end of my military career that severe anxiety became a problem, and then depression. Since then, I have tried the gamut of drugs, supplements, activities, practices, etc etc etc... nothing really helped. And I sometimes wonder if I really even need help.

At this point in my life, I feel confident in exactly one thing - I don't want to be here. I legitimately do not like life... with a very clear head and all my faculties about me, I STILL just plain don't like it. All my close friends and family, and docs, know this. I have made it abundantly clear that I do not plan to take my life. I have too much respect for the people I care about to do so. Though a lot of the time I REALLY want to. Which I am sure everyone here understands.

After having read several posts and responses on this forum, I have to say I cannot understand a lot of what I have read. Although I have SEVERE depression and anxiety, and who knows what else I have that I cannot describe properly, I cannot share the sentiment of a lot of what I have seen here. Much of it seems misplaced, or disingenuous. Regardless, I do hope a few people can understand what I have written and help me out by answering a question.

It is very simple - what do you do if, with a very sane, rational, LUCID mind, you just don't find life worth living? Understand that I am not saying, "life sucks and I wanna die, I am depressed because this or that, and blah blah blah", insert whatever flavor of the month many people deal with (I am NOT denigrating what other people deal with, I am clarifying that I do not deal with those things). On the contrary, I have quite a good life, fairly successful, decently talented, financially stable, good friends and family... whatever standards most people use to measure such things. I have legitimate depression that causes me to have zero appreciation for all that I have sometimes, but again, not the point. I just really, sincerely, actually, thoughtfully, logically, lucidly think life is just kinda... bullshit. I have for most of my life. I have never had anyone else say anything similar to me (fellow misanthropes aside), nor has any doctor tell me they have heard this before. I did have one therapist tell me that if that is the case, one must make a decision (dialectic dilemma) to go with one way of life or the other. I have chosen to act as if I do want to live. I understand the rationale of choosing to live and therefore "wanting" to live. But that seems flimsy at best.

Does anyone share this sentiment? How do you reconcile actually not wanting to "do" life, but choosing to do so anyway? I seem to have successfully continued on in this manner, but there is always the rationale in the background... it is like living a lie... but so much different than anything I have ever heard of or witnessed.

Please, thoughtful responses only. I appreciate concern and encouragement, truly, but it is not necessary (that said, my sympathy -and empathy- to everyone here). I would just like to know if anyone has hashed this particular situation out with some modicum of success.

Thank you in advance!
 

Bloop

Che Vuole Questa Musica Stasera
Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
I do share the same sentiment, perhaps our reasons will be different but yes, I don't really want to "do" life, I don't find it worth living and sometimes I think life is sorta bullshit too.

Although I've had success in getting away from these thoughts (more on that in a moment), I don't feel there is a purpose to my life so I'm left feeling lost in this world and wondering if I should carry on especially with all the bs life throws at me. Is it really worth it? All the pain and heartache I will face in the many years to come, or is it easier to just get out of this world?

I recently came to terms with this and the thoughts about not wanting to do life are a lot less frequent. It's nothing special or enlightening but if I don't want to do life and like you I do not feel I could go through with taking my life for fear of hurting those closest to me then I am left with two very simple choices:

Choice 1 - I get over my fear and take my own life. I do what I have always wanted to do because I don't find life to be worth living and I convince myself that those closest to me would get over it no matter how much it may hurt initially. People will move on. It's also my life and my choice, so I will do what I want with my body.

Choice 2 - I accept that there may not be any real purpose or reason to me being here and I may not want to do life or find it worth living but if I refuse to die then I may as well get on with my life and try to make the best out of it. Sort of like the Shawshank Redemption quote "get busy living or get busy dying." Do I really want to spend the rest of my life ruminating on questions that I may never find the answers to? Or do I just live out my life for what it is and live in the moment; enjoy the little things, get out more, do things I've always wanted to do and free my mind of these unecessary (by virtue of being unable to kill myself) thoughts.

This change in my thinking, from choice 1 to choice 2, has helped to lessen the frequency of those 'don't want to do life', 'life is not worth living' and 'life is bs' thoughts/discussions I have in my brain. I would say I have hashed this situation out with a great deal of success. These thoughts rarely bother me anymore.

Although we may differ on why we find life to be bs and not worth living, I do want to wish you every success in your own journey fighting this.
 

WaterUnder

Transient SF'er on hiatus
SF Supporter
#3
I've had similar thoughts to both of you @alltaken and @Bloop.

I don't want to be here and in many ways feel that it's been long enough. When I think of other people, somehow I see more hope. I think that an individual may find a purpose or a passion even late in life.

For me, it's about connection and purpose. Without that, what does any of the good stuff even mean other than temporary satisfaction? Where that meaning and connection comes from is highly individual with a dash of timing and good fortune.
 
#4
Since then, I have tried the gamut of drugs, supplements, activities, practices, etc etc etc... nothing really helped
The links in my signature can connect you to some information about treatment methods. There may be something there that you haven't tried that's worth checking out.
 

BOUNCE

Well-Known Member
#5
I personally do think that living is over rated. I mean, it doesn't matter if you do great in life or do awful, we are all going to die one day. And wanting to be remembered after your death is major BS. You won't know what happens after you go. Our lives only matter to ones that are the closest to us. I am here only cause i don't want to hurt my parents. (And that is probably motivation enough for me to strive to live and strive to do good for myself.)
Also one reason why people feel this is so wrong is cause, mental or emotional pain is not something that others can see or understand. Whereas, say if a cancer patient refuses treatment, then that is understandable, because that is a physical pain that other people can see and sympathize with.
Happiness is an illusion that probably no one has complete access to. We all continuing living cause we all have our reasons to do so.
This is just an opinion. I don't want anyone to harm themselves.
 
#6
Thank you for the replies. I am glad others feel similarly, though of course in our circumstance it is also unfortunate. Such is the strange dichotomy of our collective ordeal.

To be clear, I am not necessarily looking for a "cure" or treatment, or even a change or reduction to my thinking. I actually don't think I really need to change. I have rationalized existence quite extensively, and I disagree with it on every level. Much like the movie "The Matrix", I largely feel humans are likened to a virus or scourge in our universe and have no business here. Of course that is an existential review and also just my opinion. I fault no one for disagreeing.

The main point I am positing is this: what if we are right? What if not being alive is the right thing? I feel strongly that it is. That life is actually NOT worth living. Not a feeling, not a result of some mental ambiguity or crushing life event. But that it is actually just NOT that great. Anywhere between "meh" and "full-on $hit-show", to me, is basically pointless. Regardless of depression, cynicism, etc., any intelligent, objective, studied human should be able to mathematically weigh the history of human existence and see, clearly it isn't going so well. And it is getting worse fairly rapidly.
This is a rational viewpoint. Not one born of illness or the result of pain, but rather one gleaned from sensible diagnosis.

I don't want anyone to complete. I don't plan on it. But I also want people to be more cognizant of reality. I don't live in the fantasy world the overwhelming majority of people do. It doesn't even seem like that nice of a place, which further perplexes me as to why they do.

Thanks again for your attention to this.
 
#7
Quick update - after having more thoroughly reviewed the terms and conditions of use for this site, I may have inadvertently violated them with my "philosophical" viewpoint. Apologies. Best of luck to all who believe they need it.
 
#8
To be clear, I am not necessarily looking for a "cure" or treatment, or even a change or reduction to my thinking. I actually don't think I really need to change
My perspective is that you would see things differently if you were able to get effective treatment. If you were no longer depressed, you'd be able to come up with your own arguments for why you should live, which would be much more convincing than anything I would have to say.
 

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