So I have a question no one has ever been able to give me an answer to... at least not a reasonable or even good one.
I am what I would consider mid-life. I have had difficulty with emotions and mental faculty for a long time. But after 10 years in the military, it ramped up significantly. To be clear, I have never really had any problems that manifested as trouble in work, school, home life. It wasn't until the end of my military career that severe anxiety became a problem, and then depression. Since then, I have tried the gamut of drugs, supplements, activities, practices, etc etc etc... nothing really helped. And I sometimes wonder if I really even need help.
At this point in my life, I feel confident in exactly one thing - I don't want to be here. I legitimately do not like life... with a very clear head and all my faculties about me, I STILL just plain don't like it. All my close friends and family, and docs, know this. I have made it abundantly clear that I do not plan to take my life. I have too much respect for the people I care about to do so. Though a lot of the time I REALLY want to. Which I am sure everyone here understands.
After having read several posts and responses on this forum, I have to say I cannot understand a lot of what I have read. Although I have SEVERE depression and anxiety, and who knows what else I have that I cannot describe properly, I cannot share the sentiment of a lot of what I have seen here. Much of it seems misplaced, or disingenuous. Regardless, I do hope a few people can understand what I have written and help me out by answering a question.
It is very simple - what do you do if, with a very sane, rational, LUCID mind, you just don't find life worth living? Understand that I am not saying, "life sucks and I wanna die, I am depressed because this or that, and blah blah blah", insert whatever flavor of the month many people deal with (I am NOT denigrating what other people deal with, I am clarifying that I do not deal with those things). On the contrary, I have quite a good life, fairly successful, decently talented, financially stable, good friends and family... whatever standards most people use to measure such things. I have legitimate depression that causes me to have zero appreciation for all that I have sometimes, but again, not the point. I just really, sincerely, actually, thoughtfully, logically, lucidly think life is just kinda... bullshit. I have for most of my life. I have never had anyone else say anything similar to me (fellow misanthropes aside), nor has any doctor tell me they have heard this before. I did have one therapist tell me that if that is the case, one must make a decision (dialectic dilemma) to go with one way of life or the other. I have chosen to act as if I do want to live. I understand the rationale of choosing to live and therefore "wanting" to live. But that seems flimsy at best.
Does anyone share this sentiment? How do you reconcile actually not wanting to "do" life, but choosing to do so anyway? I seem to have successfully continued on in this manner, but there is always the rationale in the background... it is like living a lie... but so much different than anything I have ever heard of or witnessed.
Please, thoughtful responses only. I appreciate concern and encouragement, truly, but it is not necessary (that said, my sympathy -and empathy- to everyone here). I would just like to know if anyone has hashed this particular situation out with some modicum of success.
Thank you in advance!
I am what I would consider mid-life. I have had difficulty with emotions and mental faculty for a long time. But after 10 years in the military, it ramped up significantly. To be clear, I have never really had any problems that manifested as trouble in work, school, home life. It wasn't until the end of my military career that severe anxiety became a problem, and then depression. Since then, I have tried the gamut of drugs, supplements, activities, practices, etc etc etc... nothing really helped. And I sometimes wonder if I really even need help.
At this point in my life, I feel confident in exactly one thing - I don't want to be here. I legitimately do not like life... with a very clear head and all my faculties about me, I STILL just plain don't like it. All my close friends and family, and docs, know this. I have made it abundantly clear that I do not plan to take my life. I have too much respect for the people I care about to do so. Though a lot of the time I REALLY want to. Which I am sure everyone here understands.
After having read several posts and responses on this forum, I have to say I cannot understand a lot of what I have read. Although I have SEVERE depression and anxiety, and who knows what else I have that I cannot describe properly, I cannot share the sentiment of a lot of what I have seen here. Much of it seems misplaced, or disingenuous. Regardless, I do hope a few people can understand what I have written and help me out by answering a question.
It is very simple - what do you do if, with a very sane, rational, LUCID mind, you just don't find life worth living? Understand that I am not saying, "life sucks and I wanna die, I am depressed because this or that, and blah blah blah", insert whatever flavor of the month many people deal with (I am NOT denigrating what other people deal with, I am clarifying that I do not deal with those things). On the contrary, I have quite a good life, fairly successful, decently talented, financially stable, good friends and family... whatever standards most people use to measure such things. I have legitimate depression that causes me to have zero appreciation for all that I have sometimes, but again, not the point. I just really, sincerely, actually, thoughtfully, logically, lucidly think life is just kinda... bullshit. I have for most of my life. I have never had anyone else say anything similar to me (fellow misanthropes aside), nor has any doctor tell me they have heard this before. I did have one therapist tell me that if that is the case, one must make a decision (dialectic dilemma) to go with one way of life or the other. I have chosen to act as if I do want to live. I understand the rationale of choosing to live and therefore "wanting" to live. But that seems flimsy at best.
Does anyone share this sentiment? How do you reconcile actually not wanting to "do" life, but choosing to do so anyway? I seem to have successfully continued on in this manner, but there is always the rationale in the background... it is like living a lie... but so much different than anything I have ever heard of or witnessed.
Please, thoughtful responses only. I appreciate concern and encouragement, truly, but it is not necessary (that said, my sympathy -and empathy- to everyone here). I would just like to know if anyone has hashed this particular situation out with some modicum of success.
Thank you in advance!
