I told myself I wouldn't post here until I knew for sure, seems that time has come. I've lurked here for about 6 months, just coming back every once and awhile and checking out the new threads. A weird fascination with why people kill themselves and what ages they are, seeing if any relate to myself. I'm 20 years old, I have 3 great brothers, 1 sister-in-law and 2 more to be. I have 2 wonderful lovings parents that believe in me and would do anything for me. They have always been there for me or my brothers and have always wanted what was best for us. I was never physically or emotionally abused, I was not picked on in school or made to think that I was less than someone else. I was raised with morals and a feeling of self worth, I open doors for strangers, I say please and thank you and I try not put other people down. I have amazing potential and if I wanted to do anything all I would have to do is put my mind towards it, I seem to understand things quickly and once I pick something up I am always trying to get better at doing and understanding it. So not really any particular reason why I feel suicidal, its a longing to see whats after, a longing to know everything I can possibly know. I want to see what the future holds (think millenniums), I want to see what is on the other side of the galaxy, I want to see other galaxies and if there is other living things somewhere out there, I want to see the inside of a black hole or watch from a distance as one shoots out matter. I classify myself as agnostic, I do not know what is after, whether there is a God or some other higher being. I think just being a good person is what any higher being would want us to be, not worshiping them or killing in its name. I am happy that I made up my mind, I feel almost smug that I will actually know what is after and that people here on earth will still be struggling to explain the afterlife. I do feel sad, guilty even at what I will put my family and friends through. I am even afraid that I may give my father a heart attack or my mother a panic attack, I fear that they won't be the same kind of people I know and love (while I understand it will change them, I don't want to make them cold and unloving). Before I go I have to say this is a very nice forum/community that I hope will continue to help people in their crisis and help others cope with the loss of a loved one. I don't really have anything else on my mind to say, I have a note to write to my family before I go and then I "pull the trigger" so to speak.