Less than a hair's breadth away in time

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by metamorphosis17, Oct 13, 2011.

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  1. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    I think I have pretty much resigned myself to cutting again, at least for a while. I just feel too defeated by everything else right now to think I'm strong enough to tackle self-injury, and I'm tired of being told it's worse than everything else I do just because it's apparently more shocking.

    Along with cutting myself (and other forms of SI), I deal with severe social anxiety (possibly AvPD, but at least strong tendencies toward it), an eating disorder, a currently vehement drug addiction that feels like death as I go through withdrawal, and an alcohol problem. I also have other common addictions like nicotine and caffeine, but I consider my cutting to be more of a problem than them right now.

    I have been made to think, from any friend or family member I talk to, but especially my therapist, that ALL of these things are preferable to cutting myself. Like...it's the worst thing I could possibly due short of suicide.

    I'm really tired of hearing this, and taking on that attitude isn't really doing me any favors, I've found. Since I've been trying to stop cutting myself, an entire new world of previously unacceptable behaviors has seemed appealing to me. I've been very interested in drugs, any drug I could get my hands on, at least to try once. So, I may not be drawing blood but I still want an escape...and unluckily for me I discovered that certain drugs can offer just as powerful an escape as cutting myself. In fact, I can even fool myself that it's not too bad, since no one will see marks on my skin at the end of the day. Oh, and what wonderful expansions in my "consciousness" it has created. In fact, I think the way my brain works is already altered a bit now, but certainly not in the hoped for direction of enlightenment. It just seems like I'm more confused now and have even more difficulty speaking! Yay brain damage.

    I'm just at a complete loss right now as to why quitting my self-injury has been such a priority for me and others (with no success, mind you), when many of these other things were viewed as less serious or somehow "okay" in the meantime. As long as my eating disorder wasn't putting me in critical condition, that was fine. As long as I'm not drinking constantly, that's fine (every one in college does that, right? Well, at least everyone I meet around here).
    Oh, and the drugs? Well, I've found that's fairly easy to justify and garner acceptance if all of your friends are are experimental as well. You can even talk about that to people, as long as you're careful to omit just how often or how much you consume. None of those friends thought there was anything wrong with me for using those substances, but if I had told any of them I had a problem with self-injury I'm sure I would have cleared the room quickly or had many overly concerned, well-meaning comments (depending on how good of friends they really are).

    So, the messages I am getting from the rest of the world is that cutting is worse than everything else, kind of the "unspeakable" here. Ironically, I'm probably killing myself faster with all the other things I do than I am the occasional cutting I engage in.

    I would like to just be able to view this growing stack of issues and addictions in a completely unbiased way, so I can decide what I really need to get rid of first.
    I know they're all hurting me but it just seems extremely unrealistic and harmful to expect myself to conquer them all at once. Honesetly, it almost feels impossible right now...all of them form a giant knot in my brain, and are so interconnected that to give up one thing is to put extra stress on another. (e.i. I stop cutting, so I start getting high every night instead of just occasionally on the weekends like I might while cutting regularly). My current thinking is that the drug I was using was at least twice as bad for me as my cutting.

    It never helps when the drugs themselves, that I use in an attempt to substitute for the escape of cutting, backfire and I end up cutting while under the influence anyway...

    I'm sorry everyone for rambling so long and stupidly. This is a rather draggy post. Apologies. I am just trying to think and I figure it's better to type inane nonsense somewhere right now that no one ever reads than do what I was about to do.
    I might do it anyway...I don't know. I am running out of options, and when I say that it's usually leading up to a period of cutting. And I always end up cutting in the winter...I don't know why..
    I think it might have more to do with the fact that everyone's bundling up and I can hide it better than any kind of seasonal depression. I tend to feel more depressed in the summer, but also more helpless. The winter can be depressing, but then I am always depressed, year round.

    I have been thinking of cutting and/or starving non-stop today. I haven't done either one, really. As a matter of fact, I've probably eaten too much today. I haven't even looked at a blade, and maybe if I keep drinking until bedtime I won't have to look at one.

    The stigma is overwhelming. I'm so tired of feeling ashamed of my injuries that I'd rather drink myself to death than end up with another scar.
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 13, 2011
  2. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Well, I just cut in the midst of a drunken haze...
    Get this...after calling a hotline and promising not to.
    Wee-whoo I'm disgusting.
  3. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    You have A LOT going on right now, and before you stop doing anything, you need to sort things out. I don't think it's right for people to be telling you one addiction is worse than the other. Addiction is addiction. Your family and therapist should be working with you to figure out a plan to tackle all of these problems.

    For your drug problem, you should really be put into rehab. You can't just go cold turkey because you won't stay clean, and the side affects could kill you.

    And probably most importantly, you need to WANT to get better. You can't reluctantly go to rehab because it will never work and you'll just relapse. You need to figure out a purpose for your life, instead of filling it up with addictions.

    Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk to somebody, and I have social anxiety too btw.
  4. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Well, I am quitting the drug and have a good chance of kicking the habit on my own (at least for a week or so: I'm staying at my parents' house for a while and have no access to it.) I do not think withdrawal from this drug will kill me; it is very unlikely. In the short time since I wrote that, almost all of my physical withdrawal symptoms have went away (very lucky for me). I was only using it heavily for a week before stopping cold turkey, and it is not one of the hardest drugs, to my knowledge. I am willing to seek treatment if it becomes too tempting to use more, though.

    I just have to be committed to not touching that particular substance again. I know rehab might help, but I'm in the middle of a semester in college, and so far have been doing very well with my grades despite everything else that's going wrong in my life. It would depress me beyond belief to have to drop out this semester, even if it was to pursue treatment. College is pretty much my reason for living right now.

    Thanks, you give very good advice. It's what I would do in an ideal world, one where I wasn't so stubbornly myself lol.
  5. metamorphosis17

    metamorphosis17 Well-Known Member

    Ugh, I am really wanting to cut right now. The urge is so bad, so I thought I might write it down in a place that feels somewhat safe. I just don't know how much longer I can keep from cutting myself. I haven't been able to stop in six years, I don't know what's going to change me. I keep hoping it will just leave my system at some point, but it just continues on and on. I have been cutting for so damn long, I can hardly imagine living without it. It's really scaring me imagining giving it up.

    And I'm so close to just indulging myself right now, because I know the feeling will allow me to live another day.
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