I have all this stuff inside that bubbles away and maybe it would be good for me to chuck it out there somewhere. I have always been difficult (so my mother told me) - I was brought up by a bigotted father and a mother who would never have felt she had the right to vote had it not been for old Emily Pankhurst. My dad's opinion about women is that they were there to please men and he would read pornography and would encourage me to watch it in my late teens. He would tell me that I was fat and ugly. I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 - I see that now, but at the time thought it was my duty to allow my 20 year old boyfriend to take advantage of me. I then turned heavily to alcohol and was the local pxxx head. This got me into more vulnerable situations and I was repeatedly made to perform sex acts on an older boy when I was in no fit state to barely walk - but again at the time, I felt this was OK - this was my role in life to please men. Self harming came then, again at the age of 15 - it helped block the horrible stuff out. I was let down by a few men after that, I was (and still am) very naive and too trusting - so I blame myself. I did Ok though - would get down and sad from time to time, but would re-emerge again. I met my partner (now ex) and he was really controlling, which kinda suited us as I was so passive - so it was a good fit then. Life with him made me very anxious though, he was a risk taker and got us into some hairy situations, including when he got drappeg out to sea and only a miracle stopped him from being drowned - I witnessed the whole thing and still have flash backs now. We had 2 kids - the first alomst died during childbirth - saved by an emergency caesarian and my second got swapped with another baby by a nurse in hospital just after he was born - I got him back thankfully. My partner carried on being controlling, but suddenly I found this strength to say NO - you are not going to do to them what you have done to me - we tried to work through the impact of that on our relationship, but it became clear that he only wanted someone he could control so he stopped loving me, told me he didn't fancy me anymore. We split up and I had to rehome my beloved horse and other pets. Then over the last 3 years a trail of diaster hit my family - my brother's wife threw him out and made false allegations against him that got him arrested. She stopped him and me seeing their children which has been heart breaking. My brother emigrated to the USA and I miss him. My father became seriously ill and over 6 months we were called to the hospital 3 times to hear he wasn't going to make it through the night. This same man that had emotionally abused me when I was a child was laying there looking weak and vulnerable and it was really hard to take in. Amazingly he survived, but I can't barely look at him anymore - there is more to that story, but not now. My Aunt died, my Grandfather died, my dog died. I got made redundant and my ex stated he wanted the kids to live with him for half the week. The thought of that broke my heart - I can remember sobbing - I can remember that noise, like some animal inside me - I couldn't stop - the only way I could stop was to tell myself if that ever happened and I felt so in pain, then I gave myself permission to put myself out of my misery and kill myself. That was the only thing that got me to stop howling. So I made a plan and somehow that brought me some peace, that I didn't need to suffer like that, that there was a way out. Later I realised that this wouldn't be a great thing to do to my kids, I imagined them standing ay my graveside crying - not a nice image...so I started to see a therapist. I am 18 months down the line with my T and we have never talked about the suicide stuff yet, I am only just starting to feel safer with him. I can manage a couple of days away from my kids now, but it is still hard and the suicide stuff and self harm come back strongly at those times. The last 2 weeks I have struggled more, I am not sure why. I feel different, slightly disturbed or something, I can't really explain it. I had been on another site like this, but less empasis on the suicide stuff and I just don't feel part of that site right now, although I have some nice friends there. Yes I know that life is not a bed of roses, that shit happends, it just feels like I have had more than my fair share. I know also that I have many choices in life, but many of these things are outside of my control. For example I had booked a 4 day vacation away in a forest. The week before was when my Grandffather died, so I was going to have to cut my break short to attend his funeral. Then on the morning of my trip, my dog died. I needed that vacation so badly, but events then happened either side of it to spoil it - I try to accept that life is like that, but sometimes I do wonder it this is some sort of test, that someone does have it in for me, is having a laught at my expense, seeing how far they can oush me. So that is part of my story - the reason why I find myself in this realy dark place - there are many more things too that fill in the gaps - hey I am even facing redundancy again! When does it end? Where is the good stuff? Where is the fairness? I have stopped being angry about it all, I just feel more and more crushed.
You are in my thoughts. I ask myself those same questions sometimes. You take care of yourself. I hope this forum is helpful like the forum you also have nice friends on..Alex
The answers to those questions are different for all in my mind... I think being honest with your therapist might put you on the path though...
Thanks for your posts - I rehearse everything I want to say to my T, then I get in that room and up come all the barriers to gag me and stop me talking - ahhhh! It is so frustrating - I know there is a place inside me that is good, that is loving, that gave all these things to others, then they got thrown back in my face. I was fragile / precious, then people dropped me and stamped all over me - I feel totally broken, like I bear no resemblance to that which I was. The positive bit of me says "Hey you are more like Lego than a Ming Vase, I can rebuild myself into something better, stronger, I can adapt, that's what makes humans different from animals right?" - but the other bit, the bit that wants to see me destroyed is there and it is that I have to battle with. I haven't seen my doctor about all this - well I did but just said I was feeling stressed, she took some blood found I was anaemic and said to take some iron tablets - do pills get rid of this stuff? Is it worth trying anti depressants?
Meds are certainly worth trying - although they are a long-term solution and sometimes it takes different ones to work...they certainly work best in conjunction with therapy. They also need to be persevered with - they are not a quick fix necessarily.
Hi I am sorry if it was felt that I posted something inappropriate - it certainly wasn't my intention to be rude. Soup
Hi Soup... Reading your thread I know you have been through a lot and are still going through it. If I state I understand your situation then I'm wrong coz only you know what you are undergoing. The questions which you have raised, cant be answered by us. You need to find the answers on your own. You need to find the end. You need to a find the bright light at the end of the tunnel. I know its easier said than done. But all I can tell you this is find happiness in small things, develop a sort of hobby. When your kids are not around think it as your time to develop your special skills. It can be anything baking, knitting, dancing. Just try to find those happy moments and be grateful for it. When your kids are around you, find happiness by playing with them, see their innocence. Im sure you will feel much much better. When you feel like dying just divert your mind to your kids, think about your happy moments with them. Im sure that will change your mind. And yes, dont hide your tears. If you feel like howling n crying do it. It definitely lightens up your heart. Hope this helps. If you need a friend, you can talk to me. I will pray for you and your kids. God bless. :cazza:
