I have all this stuff inside that bubbles away and maybe it would be good for me to chuck it out there somewhere. I have always been difficult (so my mother told me) - I was brought up by a bigotted father and a mother who would never have felt she had the right to vote had it not been for old Emily Pankhurst. My dad's opinion about women is that they were there to please men and he would read pornography and would encourage me to watch it in my late teens. He would tell me that I was fat and ugly. I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 - I see that now, but at the time thought it was my duty to allow my 20 year old boyfriend to take advantage of me. I then turned heavily to alcohol and was the local pxxx head. This got me into more vulnerable situations and I was repeatedly made to perform sex acts on an older boy when I was in no fit state to barely walk - but again at the time, I felt this was OK - this was my role in life to please men. Self harming came then, again at the age of 15 - it helped block the horrible stuff out. I was let down by a few men after that, I was (and still am) very naive and too trusting - so I blame myself. I did Ok though - would get down and sad from time to time, but would re-emerge again. I met my partner (now ex) and he was really controlling, which kinda suited us as I was so passive - so it was a good fit then. Life with him made me very anxious though, he was a risk taker and got us into some hairy situations, including when he got drappeg out to sea and only a miracle stopped him from being drowned - I witnessed the whole thing and still have flash backs now. We had 2 kids - the first alomst died during childbirth - saved by an emergency caesarian and my second got swapped with another baby by a nurse in hospital just after he was born - I got him back thankfully. My partner carried on being controlling, but suddenly I found this strength to say NO - you are not going to do to them what you have done to me - we tried to work through the impact of that on our relationship, but it became clear that he only wanted someone he could control so he stopped loving me, told me he didn't fancy me anymore. We split up and I had to rehome my beloved horse and other pets. Then over the last 3 years a trail of diaster hit my family - my brother's wife threw him out and made false allegations against him that got him arrested. She stopped him and me seeing their children which has been heart breaking. My brother emigrated to the USA and I miss him. My father became seriously ill and over 6 months we were called to the hospital 3 times to hear he wasn't going to make it through the night. This same man that had emotionally abused me when I was a child was laying there looking weak and vulnerable and it was really hard to take in. Amazingly he survived, but I can't barely look at him anymore - there is more to that story, but not now. My Aunt died, my Grandfather died, my dog died. I got made redundant and my ex stated he wanted the kids to live with him for half the week. The thought of that broke my heart - I can remember sobbing - I can remember that noise, like some animal inside me - I couldn't stop - the only way I could stop was to tell myself if that ever happened and I felt so in pain, then I gave myself permission to put myself out of my misery and kill myself. That was the only thing that got me to stop howling. So I made a plan and somehow that brought me some peace, that I didn't need to suffer like that, that there was a way out. Later I realised that this wouldn't be a great thing to do to my kids, I imagined them standing ay my graveside crying - not a nice image...so I started to see a therapist. I am 18 months down the line with my T and we have never talked about the suicide stuff yet, I am only just starting to feel safer with him. I can manage a couple of days away from my kids now, but it is still hard and the suicide stuff and self harm come back strongly at those times. The last 2 weeks I have struggled more, I am not sure why. I feel different, slightly disturbed or something, I can't really explain it. I had been on another site like this, but less empasis on the suicide stuff and I just don't feel part of that site right now, although I have some nice friends there. Yes I know that life is not a bed of roses, that shit happends, it just feels like I have had more than my fair share. I know also that I have many choices in life, but many of these things are outside of my control. For example I had booked a 4 day vacation away in a forest. The week before was when my Grandffather died, so I was going to have to cut my break short to attend his funeral. Then on the morning of my trip, my dog died. I needed that vacation so badly, but events then happened either side of it to spoil it - I try to accept that life is like that, but sometimes I do wonder it this is some sort of test, that someone does have it in for me, is having a laught at my expense, seeing how far they can oush me. So that is part of my story - the reason why I find myself in this realy dark place - there are many more things too that fill in the gaps - hey I am even facing redundancy again! When does it end? Where is the good stuff? Where is the fairness? I have stopped being angry about it all, I just feel more and more crushed.