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Let it all out? Ok then

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Always Alone

Fuck. Why the hell do people think they can figure out what I want. I don't want their anti-depressants, I don't want anything to be different, I don't want it the same, I don't want help.

If the chemicals in my brain are fucked, so what? Everyone must have slightly different chemical balances, why is mine wrong? Do you know how much that hurts? It's actually ME thats wrong, apparently I do have a problem. Bull****, its my brain and the way its works is the only way I want it to.

All I need is a knife, but you can't even give me that. I'm working with a blunt one, it still works, I still get the depth, I still get the ecstasy of nothingness. But even that feels like less, it feels empty just like the rest of me.

Don't make my decisions for me, thats killing me. I have a bottle of "methods" right here, its basically all I have left. The only thing I can do anymore is take my own life. Thats all I ever deserved, its all I ever wanted. I made a decision, it may have been delayed but I owe it to myself to go through with it.

Whats wrong with me? People around me trying to help, but I still feel so alone, all these people, none of them care, it's their job, and the other two just want to feel better about themselves. I've always felt alone, never know anything else. I see people, I don't know them because I don't care. I have no problem ruining their lives If it'll profit me. I have to be alone, I have to push these people away before I hurt them, its the only way.

Fuck! Anger, arguments, hate, its all I ever knew, all the example I was ever shown. Why stay together? You hate each other, but no just take it out on the people around you. I had to shut people out, you never gave me a choice. I can only pretend and ignore to a certain point. You never cared how many people you hurt, at-least I care. Maybe I hurt people but I try to warn them, i try to help.

Back to school soon. Not sure if I want that, 3 weeks with none of that felt good. I know it's not good for me. I don't want to face the day to day challenge of it all. I actually felt physically unwell the last few weeks I was there. I can't do that again,

Headache back, and sleep messed up again. Still not sure whats real, so much I don't understand, so many people who never existed. I need a release from this, I don't know how I see those things, I don't know why I can't move while I see them. Is it a dream, it can't be, sometimes I don't fade away, I carry on go through the rest of my day. Could my whole life be nothing?

I'm not sure anymore, but It doesn't matter. If I can stay out of this center, I know that I'll be pushed over the edge in a couple of weeks, by something they all think will help. 2 weeks, maybe 3 I can get everything in order, and then even if they did change me, I'll be forced back to the only way out. I way I think I want, or wanted.
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