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Let it all out? Okay.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by silverlilly, Jun 26, 2009.

  1. silverlilly

    silverlilly Member

    For a long while, I was considered bi polar. I'd get extremely depressed, and then manic not too long after. I was told I'd never live my life properly without medicine. Well, I didn't take well to the idea of being relient on pills the rest of my life. So I quit. Cold turkey, 7 months ago.

    And honestly? I've been wonderful. I've had some bumps in the road, but even my dad thinks I've been a lot better [[and thats HUGE, for him to say something like that]].

    Well, now.. everything seems to be hitting me at once. Seriously? Every-single-aspect of my life is going downhill. I'm losing everything and everyone close to me. The people are slipping away, some faster than others. There is nothing for me to look forward to nowadays. And I find myself pondering suicide again..

    I used to cut, but that was a long time ago. I used to be suicidle, but once more, that was a long time go. And even then.. I never really felt the depression as deep as I made it out to be. I didn't really want to die, I just said it so my dad would pay attention to me. Once he married my step mom, he kinda forgot to pay any attention to me or my brothers.

    Now? I really feel it. Its like this huge black cloud over my soul, only it doesn't just cover up my good feelings... it takes them and rips them apart. I have no motivation to talk to people, nothing to say anymore. I get angry so easily now, and can't even get myself to help people like I used to LOVE to do. I want to just lie in bed all day.. just lie there and sleep as much as my body will allow. I can't even focus on reading anymore.. that used to be my escape from the negative emotions and thoughts.

    I don't know what to do.. I'm scared. I feel like I can't tell anyone, because I don't want to go back on medicine that made me crazier, and I don't want an, "I told you so" from my psychiatrist or dad. I'm not having mood swings... just pure depression. My face feels comfortable in a frown, I don't even want to smile.

    Lately as my mind drifts.. I think about what I have to live for. The answer? Is nothing. I know people care about me... but just knowing that isn't always enough. Why shouldn't I just die? Because people will miss me? Hell, I don't care. They'll get over it.

    A few weeks ago.. something big happened. And... I found myself not able to look away from my razor in the shower. My anxiety had been so bad up to that point, I was willing to do anything to try and tame it. So, I cut. About five times, as deep as I could get it. And it all stopped. The relief was instantaneous, I was suddenly at peace. Though mentally exhausted, I was fine again.

    When I had cut before, it was only in the hopes that someone would see. I'd make it look like I was trying to hide it, but in reality, the glimpse people like my dad got was on purpose.

    This time was different.. I wanted to hide it more than anything, I was ashamed.

    I'm not even sure what to do anymore. My problems are my problems to deal with, I'm tired of opening up to people and trustng them. Even therapists do no good, because when I mix logic and emotion in my explanations/arguments with them, they can't argue it. So I keep feeling the same.

    It would take motivation within myself to change... but I can't find it anywhere.

    I guess I wrote this in hopes that someone will be able to help me, even just a little. Even with just an idea. Although I doubt it will happen.

    Your time was appreciated. A response woud be helpful.
  2. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you should listen to your shrink.. You say you don't want meds.. Some of us have resigned to the fact that we will be on meds the rest of our lives..I know I will be because when I am off them the suicidal thoughts are just to strong..You should go back on the meds and give them an honest chance.. They will have to try different meds until they find what works for you..I am currently on five different meds..I have been on them for years and they just found the right combination this past year..Good Luck!!