What's really helping me keep away from messing up my life too much, either with self harm, or with painkillers (which I'd take coz' that's how I'd end my life, but wouldn't take anywhere near enough to do that, but messing with it gives me security in some way), or just the endless spiral, and constant battle, which once I engage in I can't ever win, is to let it go. I only realized that I could do that when someone asked me about choosing to live life a go, if it's that I don't want to end it anymore, or what, and I realized the other day when I was journalling that the only thing I can actually see that I want is to end it, I can't think of any reasons not to, yet, here I am, and I'm okay. So how? For I'm just not thinking about it. I'm not engaging with the need to end it. At times I do. And that's when I fight self harming. That's when I fight the spiral. I can escape in other ways too, I do, with food, and internet use, and trying to gain control over those around me. Okay, I'm rambling. But, I realized I can let other stuff go too. It doesn't just have to be the need to end it. Saw this when brought that example for a friend, about not engaging with it, and when was fighting and still on the phone to her, it clicked, that you know, I can do what I was telling her to do, with this. So the other day when I was fighting messing up yet again, I succeeded in letting it go. I don't really know how to. I'd love to hear advice, or what's worked for others, on how to let it go. I usually consciously change focus. It's not like I say, I'm not thinking about how much I want to take cocodamol right now. But more like, I want to so much, and it's okay, I don't need to, I'll be okay either way, and move on to something else. It's not that I don't need it less. Not that I don't know I'll slip up constantly again for, I still did. But that I'm engaging with the spiral somewhat less. I fight it too. I fight the fact that I'm going to be doing that always. Like, what? I'm always gonna be distracting? I can't face that. I want the need to be different. I want life to change. But, okay. I've been rambling. And don't know if any of this makes any sense. And I know it's a waste of time for others to reply to this. But that's what was thinking about.
