let me go....

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by let me go, Sep 4, 2010.

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  1. let me go

    let me go New Member

    24 y.o male from ny.
    first attempted suicide in 2005. have never been the same since.
    following my one month stay in the hospital after my attempt the only role model, the only person i looked up to, the only father figure in my life, my grandfather passed away from cancer. I truly lost my life at that time. I felt my spirit leave along side my grandfather and I have been wandering aimlessly since then.

    for 5 years my life has gone nowhere. days pass, nights linger and i lie hopeless without purpose. living not in fear nor joy. but in a state of complete emptiness where all emotion comes to rest.

    i've talked to no one about my problems. i keep everything to myself. Its hard for me to open up to people. i smoke cannabis to get me through the day to sleep and so that i may be somewhat sociable as well as to forget about my problems. without my greens im a clam. i keep to myself. shut out the rest of the world and go about whats left of this "gift".

    i dont know what i came here to find. im not even sure if im really looking for something. i guess its just nice to know that im not alone.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Your definately not alone with those feelings and I hope you will keep opening up on here..
    Is there something you could do to honour your grandfather in any way that would give some meaning in your life..
    idk...maybe volunteering or joining a group for cancer survivors....
    I'm sorry you lost a loved one but don't give up ok..keep fighting..he would want you to be happy..
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey welcome to the forums..I'm sure your grandfather is still with you.. As long as you keep him in your heart he will be there for you.. Is it possible for you to get a picture of him and hang it in your room?? Thats what I did when I lost my brother in law.. He was more like a brother to me.. I toom his picture and the flyer from the funeral and framed them..I hope you can keep posting here.. It really does help having friends on the forum..Take care!!
  4. let me go

    let me go New Member

    Hey, thanks for the welcome.

    The idea of volunteering at cancer support group is a good idea. definitely something to think about. As far as the picture of my grandfather goes i do have a picture of him looking over my bed in my room as well as one in the living room. Though from time to time i do find it hard to look at these pictures.

    When he passed we flew him to puerto rico to be buried with the rest of our family. It's a different experience then funerals out here in the states. One thing about that day i can't seem to shake is the sound of his coffin scraping the sides of the concrete enclosure when he was lowered into the ground.

    I understand everyone who states that he's always with me and the like but when one feels empty it can be difficult to feel that anybody is with you.
  5. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    Your not alone with your feelings. Welcome to the forum. Lots of folks here know my story but you dont, so in a nut shell, I have lost 13 family members and have had to learn how to deal with them all. Thats only family members, not counting friends, and family members of my friends. No stranger to losses. I smoke the bud too. I am on some hot medz to keep me calm so I dont go apeshit during the day so I can function at work but nothing changes my head like some good KGB. I only use at night when all my stuff is done and am not going to leave the house till the next day. I have a perscription for it so its not illegal for me to smoke. You are so not alone. Glad you are here and I have found that just putting my thoughts into words helps me.
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to SF. I am sorry to hear about the loss of your grandfather and the feelings you have had because of it. You didn't mention what brought you to the place where you felt you had no option but to suicide before that, but I do hope you have at least come to terms with some of that. Loss is hard on us. Allow yourself to grieve and complete the grieving process. Some move through it quickly while others take a very long time. Don't keep things to yourself. Doing this causes them to fester until they eventually explode. Healing can be hindered by silence. I am glad you joined us and took the first step in posting. I hope you will continue to do so in the future. :hug:
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