Let this be the end of it

[Dead Ringer]

I want it to end. I've been isolating myself so no one will miss me. I have a few plans in mind. I no longer want to be part of this.
I see everyone else at least write more than this in the #1 post in a thread but I'm useless so I can't because I don't know what to write.

I'm not really alive - but I'm still breathing.
I'm tired of the loneliness, the insomnia, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the inability to get out of bed when I wake up, I'm tired of everything. I want out.

 

[total eclipse]

you are in so deep hun you need help to get out of that darkness your in. Your depression is kicking you so badly. I do hope you call a professional someone to help pull you out of there. You can talk whenever you feel the need here okay Hopefully in talking you can find some healing as well hugs

 

[Dead Ringer]

I don't trust 'professionals', therapy didn't help me before so fuck them.

 

[WildCherry]

OK, if you don't trust professionals, can you talk here about what's happening and why you're feeling so bad? Here if you do feel like talking.

 

[Constantinos]

I want it to end. I've been isolating myself so no one will miss me. I have a few plans in mind. I no longer want to be part of this.
I see everyone else at least write more than this in the #1 post in a thread but I'm useless so I can't because I don't know what to write.

You're not useless, each person is unique and will write more or less than other people.

I'm not really alive - but I'm still breathing.

You're still breathing and that's important for you and means that you are alive.

I'm tired of the loneliness, the insomnia, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the inability to get out of bed when I wake up, I'm tired of everything. I want out.

I can understand the loneliness you feel but above you say that you are isolating yourself which means to me that you had at least someone (family/friend) - do you think you can go and do something with someone in the next days?

I don't trust 'professionals', therapy didn't help me before so fuck them.

I feel i should say/ask somethings to help you with this:

- Each therapist is different, i know from my own experience - here is what i did (i'm not saying you should do the same) - when i was looking for a psychologist i went i think to around 30 different psychologists until i made my choice, i know my reasons for doing this were very complex - but why don't you visit a couple of therapists and see with which one you "match" the most and you feel you can trust the most?

- Did your therapist make you feel rejected by any chance?

 

[Dead Ringer]

I'm not gonna write the story of my life unless you really want it, because I imagine it would be quite long, but if needed I'll do it.

Right now what's making me feel so bad is probably the mood swings. First I want to die, 5 minutes later I want to live and I'm planning for the future, 5 minutes later I want to die, and it goes on like that. I'm on vacation from school during summer (as everyone is, duh) but I still feel anxious about something, I don't feel like I'm free from school.
And I have no one to talk to in real life..

@Constantinus: Well, what I mean by isolating myself is that, well I hate my family, so I obviously isolate myself from them. And 4 of my friends I don't talk to anymore since they started bullying me in the last year of mandatory school (9th grade - when I was 15/16), so now I only have one friend left that I talk to regularly. Prior to this weekend I hadn't met him in a year but we watched a local football (soccer) game together this weekend, but yeah, I don't meet much people.

 

[Constantinos]

I'm not gonna write the story of my life unless you really want it, because I imagine it would be quite long, but if needed I'll do it.

If you want to write the story of your life or even parts feel free to do so - it will probably also help you and unload some of the burden that you feel - i am all ears as they say.

Right now what's making me feel so bad is probably the mood swings. First I want to die, 5 minutes later I want to live and I'm planning for the future, 5 minutes later I want to die, and it goes on like that. I'm on vacation from school during summer (as everyone is, duh) but I still feel anxious about something, I don't feel like I'm free from school.
And I have no one to talk to in real life..

Thats exactly how i was when i wanted to suicide, every 5 minutes my mood would change - i can understand that it feels tiring/sad and i am sure you just want this to stop - have you thought about taking anti-depressant medicine?

@Constantinus: Well, what I mean by isolating myself is that, well I hate my family, so I obviously isolate myself from them. And 4 of my friends I don't talk to anymore since they started bullying me in the last year of mandatory school (9th grade - when I was 15/16), so now I only have one friend left that I talk to regularly. Prior to this weekend I hadn't met him in a year but we watched a local football (soccer) game together this weekend, but yeah, I don't meet much people.

I can kind of relate to you hating your family and regarding being bullied.

If you want to share did anything specific happen that made you hate your family? Was your family there for you to provide emotional support when you were being bullied?

As i've gone through bullying i've understood a couple of things, one of which is that the bullies have being bullied themselves from their parents or from other people - i am in no way however saying this for you to accept what they did to you - i do not accept bullying and believe that the bullies need to be seen by therapists but the schools should take the responsibility to do this as the parents would probably never agree - did you inform the school about the bullying?

 

[Dead Ringer]

I can kind of relate to you hating your family and regarding being bullied.

If you want to share did anything specific happen that made you hate your family? Was your family there for you to provide emotional support when you were being bullied?

Well, my dad cheated on my mum, beat me when I was younger, took all of our money (including MY $5k for when I turned 18) to play poker online, etc,etc,etc.

My mum, uh, can't really tell why, I just hate her. Or maybe I hate her because of the depression, I dont know.

No they weren't there for me, I didn't inform the school but everyone (including the teachers) knew it was happening.

I'm sorry I haven't replied earlier but I haven't been out of bed for the past 2 days... and along the lines of my everlasting luck my laptop is dead. Again.

 

[Constantinos]

Well, my dad cheated on my mum, beat me when I was younger, took all of our money (including MY $5k for when I turned 18) to play poker online, etc,etc,etc.

My mum, uh, can't really tell why, I just hate her. Or maybe I hate her because of the depression, I dont know.

No they weren't there for me, I didn't inform the school but everyone (including the teachers) knew it was happening.

I'm sorry I haven't replied earlier but I haven't been out of bed for the past 2 days... and along the lines of my everlasting luck my laptop is dead. Again.

Hello,

That's fine, i also took 2 days of rest.

You seem to have quite a bit of things that happened, do you maybe hate your mother because she didn't protect you from your father and let your father to bully you and even get your $5k that belonged to you?

I have two questions:
- How old are you now and how old where you when your father bullied you?
- The $5K that belonged to you where they in an account in your name? or?

You were bullied at home which left you vulnerable at school and prone to be bullied - this is very common to occur - bullies understand that you are weak and use that weakness to their own benefit - here i mean emotional weakness and not physical weakness which was caused by the bullying at home.

 

[Dead Ringer]

I'm 17, my father hit me when I was 5 (and below). The money was taken when I was 12. The account was shared between my father and my mum but the money was purely for my 18th birthday (he emptied my sister's account as well).

I fucking hate this insomnia..