Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Wasp22, Nov 27, 2011.

  1. Wasp22

    Wasp22 New Member

    why is it that suicide used to be an idea- a fantastical escapist fantasy or a desperate last resort that I think about only when life seemed too much to bear or I as in deep shit. I started cutting at 10, had my first suicide attempt at 12, stopped cutting at 14 and had my last attempt five months ago but it definately asn't whole-hearted. actually attempting suicide and going to the trouble of planning it seems like such a momentous task with unclear results- one that could go wrong so easily- it's amazing how I can't even end my own life successfully. But still, suicide stopped being something i only thought of hen i was crazy desperate but an ever-present notion that i clung on to, that my thought would go back to at any time of the day, that i just anted to cral up with and snuggle at night, it became a warm being I found comfort in. I can't connect with humans, I feel like im going through some premature midlife crisis at seventeen, i cant fix my hair or put on clothes or go running or paint anymore. I hate my family so much, they are so insufferably screed up, so impossible to speak to, and if i even think about vocalising my depression they'll deny me the chance to go study abroad. I have no freedom, I have stopped anted to ask for it. Everything seems like an exhausting task, and hen others wrong me it is alays me who apologizes and in that small act i lose more and more of my feeling of self-worth. I fuck nameless men and hen they try to call me back i suddenly hate them. I am so passive.

    I really really want to die.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...glad you decided to post...when we feel shame, we do shameful things so that we have explicit examples to blame ourselves...about talking to your family...sounds like they are not the most empathetic...maybe expect from them what you have gotten in the past, and nothing more...although as I got better at expressing myself without it seeming desperate, people where much more amenable to understanding me...please keep posting so that the kind people here have a chance at expressing their understanding...welcome again