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Let's be real for a minute.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by mlxjaded, Sep 6, 2010.

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  1. mlxjaded

    mlxjaded Well-Known Member

    I've been told so many times that I just come on here and complain without explaining anything about me or whats going on.
    So this is going to be all about me and my life.
    The real me that most people don't know.

    I was born July 21, 1993. I am a 17 year old male and currently work part-time and live at home. I guess I am considered a high school drop out but I will get more into detail about that later on.

    When I was younger my dad was abusive, I guess. I never really thought of it as abuse then but he would hit us. I know that sounds bad but it wasn't ever that bad. He would never beat us, or hit us hard enough to leave any kind of mark. He would also never lay a hand on my mother. It's just hitting was his way of punishment that he learned from his parents/father, I assume. That's about it as far as abuse goes, I guess.

    As I got older, about the time I entered middle school, I became severely depressed. I never told anyone so I don't think anyone really knew, though. There was a time in middle school were I would miss weeks and weeks of school just because I was too mentally and physically exhausted to make it in. I had this pain in my gut and a constant headache. Now I know it was from the depression but at that age, I couldn't make it out. Since I was missing soo much school, the school wanted answers. My mom took my to all these doctors and what not. I had an MRI, a ultrasound, and a million other tests. At one point, I had about 10 tubes of blood drawn from me. This is when I started therapy, too. By the time I reached the 8th grade, the middle school just wanted to get rid of me and sent me to high school the next year. I was dismissed of therapy promptly.
    This was about the time I discovered I was gay/bi, too. I never told anyone. Not even now in the present. No one knows.

    I was fine in 9th grade. Did very well in all my classes, made some new friends, and had a great year.

    10th grade started the same as well. But in the middle of the year, this girl I was friends with moved away. We were great friends and she was one of the few girls I felt a romantic attraction to and I could tell she felt the same for me. She moved and wrote me the nicest goodbye note ever. It almost brought me to tears. We had science together and had 2-person desks and me and her were assigned together. Thats how we first met. Then the next quarter (we have 4 in our school year), she stayed after school with the our science teacher and personally requested that she continue be seated with me. She was honestly the nicest person I have ever met. No one else in the world would have gone to such lengths just to stay with me. I really did love her. Anyways, she moved away and I tried to continue on. She was really my only friend so now I was sitting by myself at lunch and never had a partner to pair with in any class or anything. Then my headaches came back. I would get these terrible headaches and, occasionally, migraines. I started to miss more and more school but then it was eventually summer and they let me go on to 11th grade.

    I probably when 1 week in 11th grade before I just couldn't get out of bed for school. I went to a bunch of doctors. Had another MRI, and EEG test, and even had a scheduled Sleep Apnea test but there was an issue with my insurance so that never happened.
    Now, tomorrow, 12th grade starts for everyone else.
    Through most of this, I was working part time and was scared that my boss would find out but he hasn't yet. I still tell him I'm in school .
    It's a hard act to play.

    I am very overweight. I am about 340lbs. I was 370lbs but I am currently on a diet and have been losing some weight.
    I still never feel well, though.

    SO this is my life story pretty much.
    I'm sure I left some stuff out but I am tired of typing.

    I know that compared to most people on here, my life seems like a breeze.
    I was never beat, never cut, never did anything like that.
    Yet I am so desperate and hate life.
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you for sharing. And depression is never a breeze. Doesn't matter if you're 17 or 46. It picks apart your life. That fact is the same for everyone. So hun you arent alone with your struggle and I hope you feel comfortable enough to keep posting. It may not seem like a lot right now, but it does help. To be able to let out the things that are eating you up but you cant dare share with anyone in RL. I know it starts to feel like your just repeating the same stuff and that most times no one seems to hear. But you're heard here and better yet you are understood. Here if ya need someone to talk to :arms:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    depression it has got to be the worst illness sucks life right out of you sometimes. I hope you can talk to your parents about it and try to get on some
    medication to help lift that sadness Therapy is good in that you could talk to someone about your sexual preference get some help relating to others. It must have been very hard for you to loose such a good friend I am sorry you felt so isolated and alone. I think if you could just reach out now and get some help while you are still young you could go back and finish school and move on with your life. I am glad you reached out here that took alot of courage. I hope you continue to write okay and i hope you get help for you so you can start feeling better:hugtackles:
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I agree you need to see your doctor about some meds and maybe therapy again...
    Well done for losing that weight and I hope you're really proud of yourself for it..and for sharing your story..
    keep fighting and get some more help ok
    take care
  5. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi mlx. Thanks for telling us about the real you. It took a lot of courage. :hug:
  6. BenVenit

    BenVenit Member

    You never need to apologize for feeling like crap. Anyone who tells you to quit whining does not know what it feels like to feel the end closing in. They may think they do but they do not know how YOU feel.

    You will never hear me say anyone is whining. That hurts.

    I hope that you feel welcome here! :) Most of us are supportive.
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