Lets just see what happens.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by LetItGo, Jul 8, 2008.

  1. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I hope people bare with this post cause its 2 a.m and i just need to get this off my chest, its probably going to suck, and not make a lot of sense.

    Bit of background...

    Last year, 15th Nov, I moved interstate, to move in with a girl id only meet once...a lot of people would say it was stupid and a foolish thing to do, and believe me I thought twice about buying that plane ticket.

    I moved on a gamble to find love, and for the first couple months it was a rocky ride, almost moved back twice and things werent going so well.

    Then, things changed for the better, I dont know what triggered it, but all of a sudden a fog lifted and our relationship actually started feeling like a relationship.

    Over the last few months ive watched her anxiety subside, depression lift and her life move forward in leaps and bounds. Financially, we are struggling, I lost my job 3 weeks ago, and she is finding it difficult to get regular shifts so the bank balance is shrinking right now, but in every other respect its good between us....

    Tonight she comes into my room (yes we have seperate rooms) while i was gaming, pretty much thats what ive been doing since i lost the job, and she tells me she wants to study music abroad....

    Naturally we speak about our future together, what paths in life we want to take and ive always been forthright in telling her I want to travel a lot more and possibly live overseas myself, but this came as a surprise to me.

    What she wants to do would involve 6 months living overseas and pretty intensive study.

    Me being me, ive drawn the natural conclusion. Its gonna be over soon and its inevitable. Six months of living with other muso's on campus in another country....

    Yes im not the most confident person in the world, and my reaction to the news is classic MJ - Sabotage.

    So instead of saying things will work out, and ill move with u (which id love to do) all im focused on is the loss thats bound to come.

    A loss thats really gonna fuck me up.

    What she plans to do is hellishly expensive, and more of a dream at this point than a certain reality, but it just feels inevitable to me, she will leave, sooner or later, and I cant see a day after that worth living. Partially because shes gone, and partially because I know ill give up, ill go into full hermit mode and that will essentially be my life until I end it.

    She says she loves me, and we are lucky to have each other etc, and rather unusually the impromptu sex got a workout...we hugged, we kissed, thats always when it feels right to me, and after all that we left it at "lets just see what happens..."

    I know what will happen, my life ends on that day.
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    Hey Matt :hug:

    Why don't you try finding a new job, and saving up money, so you can both go abroad?
    I know that isn't as simple and easy as it sounds, but it's worth a try, surely :unsure: :hug:
    You say your life will basically end the day she leaves, so why not try the best you can to make sure you can go along with her. Depending on where she wants to do the music course, I'm sure there's plenty of job opportunities for you as well.

    This would mean you could travel overseas as you've wanted for such a long time now, and you get to stay with her, rather than wave goodbye to her.

    Email me anytime, dude, it's been too long :cheekkiss
  3. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Take it step by step and day by day. Don't sit holed up in your room. Get out and live life. Life shouldn't be taken for granted hun. Sitting there thinking everything will end with your relationship will inevitably end it. Love her while you have her and if things are meant to be even if she goes abroad she'll be there still. You have to hold onto hope that things will all be okay.
  4. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Erm Matt why not take the risk and go with her :unsure:
    You wanted to travel, here's your chance and if you both look for jobs in the country she wants to study in (I take it she will need to work as well as study), this gives you something to work towards together.
    Even if its waiting tables..who cares it will be a different country for you both to explore.
  5. Shauna Lea

    Shauna Lea Staff Alumni


    I'm gonna agree with the others - take the step and go with her. It's an excellent opportunity and gives you an extra incentive to get a job and start saving. The way I look at it - this is the perfect opportunity for you! Don't let your insecurities get in the way of what could change your life!

    And by the way - now that you aren't working you have NO excuse not to keep in touch! SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED!!!

    More importantly - take care x
  6. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    You're all right, and I really want to thank you guys for replying to my post, didnt think anyone would. Its a bit more complicated than it seems on the surface. While she agrees it would be great for me to come along, i should be under no illusions we would be spending any real time together, this is going to take over life in the near future, and while im happy for her to do something she loves, Im starting to feel a little left out of the picture. Im not an obsessive guy, or particularly clingy, we spend most of the day doing our own thing, but I still want to see her at least once a day. If she's living on campus and studying 24/7, it makes it difficult.

    Even tonight, and this is gonna sound pretty childish, but oh well who gives a shit. She pulled another double shift today, thats working 7am to 10pm...its MASSIVE hours, shes incredibly tired. I wanted the house to look nice for when she comes home, I mean its not exactly Buckingham Palace, but I wanted it tidy. So i did the dishes, and the washing, feed the cats, and hung it all out, did the recycling, generally cleaned up etc. Bought myself chinese, and bought her some vegetarians spring rolls, which she loves, and some rice to have when she comes home. Were both rabid ice cream fiends, so i bought her a takeaway bucket, with apple pie, caramel mudcake and honeycomb flavours, only to discover she bought herself a 4 pack of caramel heavens. :(

    Hoping to spend a bit of time together but she's straight of to bed, fair enough I guess.

    Im just starting to feel a bit isolated in our relationship.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 13, 2008
  7. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    And I'm wondering if she has a hidden agenda here:unsure:
    No one studies 24/7:dry:
    You sure this isnt a underhand brush off Matt?
  8. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    tbh Terry I really dont know. She isnt working tommorow so hopefully we can spend some time together and maybe I can get a better feel for whats shes thinking.
  9. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I think the two of you need to sit down and really talk about things. Schooling does take a lot of time and if you need to work on top of it it can be difficult to have much spare time, but others manage to have time for significant others and she should too. She may not know what she is facing so is afraid she won't have time to spend with you. I hope it works out for you. :hug:
  10. ~CazzaAngel~

    ~CazzaAngel~ Staff Alumni

    Matt. :hug:

    I agree with Terry on this. I've known you awhile now and I've heard you speak of wanting to go explore another country and possibly settle down there. You sounded so positive about it and how you can start a new great life. Why not take this chance and see where it goes? You can't lose anymore than what you already believe you will lose, you can always come back, if you go there and it doesn't workout, at least you know you tried. Though it could work out. Try to stay positive and sleep on this, and decide a little later. If you stay and it ends, that's all that can happen, if you go, you have a chance of something, if the case is how you express it. Try not to let your "Negative Matty voice" kick in and sabotage it, if she means that much to you. I'm always around if you need to talk, Hun. Take care and stay safe. :hug:
  11. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    Its hard living with the uncertainty, its so far away that I shouldnt be thinking about it, but its playing on my mind. There is a voice suggesting I cut and run, but I cant do that, I need to man up to this situation, and see it through. If this goes south im gonna be a total fucking headcase - guaranteed. Its the fear of abandonment, and the fear Ill never have this again, its a one shot deal, you fuck it up, its game over. I cant let all my negativity consume us both until there is nothing left. Tonight she mentioned me getting jealous if shes around other guys, and that its going to happen frequently while she is over there, and that I need to learn to live with it. Honestly, I havent been tested in that regard, because she doesnt spend any time around other guys in roughly her age bracket. Im a very easy going person, I cant see me causing any drama if she does, but silently it will increase my fears. Man im fucking insecure, but what would you expect? anybody thats knows me would expect me to be like this. Its very important that I gather up as much money as I can over the next 12 months, with money comes options, but does it really matter? I cant see a fallback position from this situation, only devastation if it fails, and elation if it works out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2008
  12. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    You need to stop relying on one thing to save your life. Love is not the end all be all. I know I've worn that statement out by now. You need to find life for yourself. You need to live for yourself and not rely on others to make you happy. All that's going to do is eventually lead to disappointment somehow. Like now. She wants to live out a dream and instead of being happy for her and thinking of maybe going with her, you live in the fact of destruction and devestation. You live with the knowledge that it might not work out and you decide to make that the ending of it all. If you love her and vice versa instead of dwelling ont he end you will make it work. Work at something instead of just admitting defeat.