lets see if anyone here gives a damn, cause it doesn't feel that way at all....

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by DarkLordVader, Mar 25, 2013.

  1. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    cant seem to break out of this bull---t mode i am going though, i wasted money on buying a gym membership. i tried going down there a couple times, and i just didnt like it at all. i am not motivated to do anything at all, ever. tired of trying and failing, over and over and over and over. it sickens me to no end thinking how once i was so happy and loved life, now i am just a waste of space. wanting to die is my only thought everyday all day. there isnt anything else for me here, i want to be done already....dont want to eat better, id rather sit here and eat nasty *** fast food, ice cream, microwave food, etc etc etc, GET THE POINT? cant wait to see this foreign doctor tomorrow who has NO idea what depression and suicidal thoughts are. these dumb *** bookworms think because they have some piece of paper on the wall that they are educated in the art of analyzing people with mental illness symptoms. please, i can google depression on the net and get the same information. so now all i will get is more meds that will ultimately **** my liver, well at least its a slow death and i will get what i want. or i could just start drinking every single day until i have a heart attack and die. nobody is going to talk me out of this mess, there is no F--KEN cure, so STOP telling me there is....
     
  2. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    I suppose a response from an old woman won't convince you that anyone gives a damn. I do know about depression. I'm not going to tell you there's a cure but it can be eased. Of course if you're so determined that "nobody is going to talk me out of this mess," then nothing can change. That would be a great shame.
     
  3. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    you see, one person isnt enough....i see how things work here and its real disheartening .....
     
  4. paulhewson

    paulhewson Well-Known Member

    Hi! Get back to that gym. It will make you feel better if you give it a chance. You aren't going to lose a lot of weight overnight, but keep at it and it will help how you feel. Fast food and ice cream does taste great, but you can cut back on it. As for Psychiatrists and counselling, I haven't had much luck with it, and probably won't try it again. Not saying it's useless, just saying I think I have the type of problems they can't help me with. Maybe it's different for you. Sitting on the couch doing nothing isn't going to help your situation at all.
     
  5. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    no but getting trashed off my ass is the best way
     
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    How is that the best way come on you know that getting trashed will only eventually make you more depressed and suicidal as said not all depression can be cured by meds and therapy but it sure the hell can be eased up It can take you out of such a dam black hole into a hole with some light in it so you do have the energy to exercise
     
  7. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    I give a damn ~ unfortunately however it's not my caring that will make a difference...it's the SOMETHING you've yet to define or mention that is the "give a damn" you want. IMO ♥
     
  8. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    i get tired of posting here when i am in pain and i get one person to respond and usually its nothing that helps me see things differently. the chat room is a complete and utter f--king joke because none of them will help me. i am about sick of screaming out loud for help and getting ignored. NO i cant help anyone else here, i am in F--KEN turmoil...
     
  9. Much afraid

    Much afraid Well-Known Member

    By my count you've had four people respond which would seem to at minimum imply caring. I get the concept of turmoil ~ I think everyone here is drowning in turmoil many days. Your scream was heard and answered, perhaps not by whom you would like or in the way you apparently expect but it was heard and addressed.

    Thank you for responding to my initial post to you. I see you are not looking for empathy. I see you don't appear to want advice. What is not clear to me is what, if anything, you do want from others. Unfortunately we are not able to make you think differently. If that were possible, we'd all have reached nirvana cause our battles with our own thinking would be won.

    Sorry I couldn't give you comfort, or helpful words. You have my sincere hope that tomorrow's (today's) light breaks through your darkness even if only so slightly as to provide a contrast to you so you know there is something different than all the pain and darkness and anger you feel. I hope you experience a measure of peace today. ♥
     
  10. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Ok. You started this thread at 8.50pm last night (GMT), and you are being highly impatient. Sometimes people don't always know what to suggest so they don't know what to reply with, leading to no replies. Also, not everyone reads the thread within the first few hours its on there, so how is being impatient going to get any desired responses?

    To you, the chatroom is a joke. How I see this? Based on your time span in there after starting this thread, you got annoyed because no-one replied instantly when you wanted them to. Not everyone is going to come running because you click your fingers, and not everyone is going to be actively reading every single line all the time that they are in there. You scream and shout? You hardly did either in there between starting this thread and 3 hours later while you briefly went in there. I can state that because I saw you come in there, I also saw you leave pretty darned quickly. Patience is a virtue that you seem to have lost the concept of.

    What good is it to moan about a lack of support when you also claim that
    The only cure that there could be is for you to pull yourself out. Do you like being in the mode you are in? If not, only you can change that. We can strive to support and offer advice, but if you don't like the advice, you don't have to take it. If you feel so passionate about the lack of support to change your way of thinking, maybe you should consider opening up your mindset and imagining someone else in an identical position to you, and what advice/support you would give. We are our own worst critics, but we initially know the most about our own situations so it's something to consider.
     
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Carbie, I'm sorry you're hurting so much. :hug: Being depressed and having all our motivation sucked out of us is plain icky.

    Sometimes we just have to do things even if they don't seem to be getting us anywhere. The purpose is that over time, doing something, even a small thing, does make a difference for some people...maybe it could for you. I won't tell you it definitely will, but I will say it's worth a try - you don't lose anything by trying. Drinking or using other substances to dull our feelings (get trashed) doesn't deal with the issues or give us natural coping mechanisms. On the other hand, active steps might help us develop ourselves and that can help to dispel some of the depression. Maybe you could plan to do one little thing for yourself each day, and then just do it, and feel good that you did what you planned. See if that helps. If it does, maybe you could add something else to your to-do list. If it doesn't help, maybe change what you plan to do...try a few things to get out of the rut. I know it's hard to do that because depression just makes us feel "Why bother?" but if you can, maybe just try something small that you can pat yourself on the back for.

    Everything we try is an accomplishment of sorts, Carbie, and we can be proud of ourselves for trying.

    I hope you feel better soon. :hug:
     
  12. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    are you kidding me? have you seen my "member since"? its been going on in that chat room since the day i first came into that room, so please dont tell me i was impatient because i have been waiting a long time to be accepted where i am not wanted. you have no idea the extreme, dark pain that i go through every single day. therapy or not, it is always there and will never leave. you get on your high horse and try to verbally rip apart my posts, nice work... is this what support is suppose to be? nice to see there are people in society whom feel i am unworthy of success and want to keep me down, thanks for the reminder
     
  13. Androgyny

    Androgyny Well-Known Member

    I spoke to you in chat about a week ago. I thought we were getting somewhere in our conversation and talking through yr problems. However, I had to leave to go to work. I told you that you were quite welcome to private msg me if you wished to speak about it further, but for what ever reason, you chose not to. That's fine, it's a free world.

    I'm truly sorry that you've clearly crashed even harder emotionally now than you had then. I can't speak for any one else on chat, but I know that I tried to help you on there. The invitation is still there to talk to me further through private msgs if you wish to do so. Whether you choose to speak to me or to someone else, I do hope that you reach out to someone as you seem like a really nice person who has simply reached the end of their tether and just needs some help. There are plenty of people who are willing to offer that to you here. :)
     
  14. Butterfly

    Butterfly Pokémon Master Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Hi Carbie,

    I'm so sorry that you are in such anguish at the moment. It is a truely horrible feeling to feel like you are stuck and that you cannot get out of that rut. I would have to agree with some of the suggestions that others have said. Sometimes you have to do things and at the time it doesn't feel like you are getting anywhere, but if you stick with them, things do get better over a period of time. If you start small, you can begin to build the bigger picture. I find that when I am feeling very depressed or suicidal, the best thing to do is keep myself busy, even with the most stupid and menial of tasks, but it keeps my mind off things and getting through the day makes me feel like I have achieved something. I find drinking is a big no no when depressed as alcohol and most illegal substances are depressants, so although it can "numb" you for a while, it actually worsens your depression.

    Many people have replied here, all of which have offered support and caring. Sometimes posting on the forum means you won't get an instant reply, but if you give us chance to reply then we will. And as for chat, it is often so fast paced with many different conversations, people often miss things. Also, a lot of people use the chatroom as an escape rather than wanting to talk about their problems unless you go into Triggering Subjects, but if you say you would like to talk in TS usually someone will go down with you to chat.

    I hope you begin to feel better soon :hug:
     
  15. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    getting to where i thought i would be at this age and where i am now is like going around the earth 100,000 times, its out of reach for me. i tried exercising and i didnt like it at the gym, the people made me feel like i was a ugly, fat, rapist or murderer. because i choose not to shave or shower all the time, like those asswipes know anything i am going through. i hate society and i hate people around me. i hate going outside, i just plain hate, so i guess there is no hope for me at all ever
     
  16. snarrylover

    snarrylover Well-Known Member

    We can't help you if we don't know what you need. The people on a forum can only offer advice, a friendly ear to listen, and some encouragement. It can't fix the problem - that is something only you can do. It's really not worth relying on others because they more often than not let you down.
     
  17. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    if i told you what i needed they would erase the post...
     
  18. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel Well-Known Member

    Carbie - I think this thread demonstrates what is so good about this site. Several people have taken the time to offer you constructive, patient advice, and I, for one, find it reassuring to be reminded that not everybody on the planet is self-absorbed and incapable of caring about others.

    I particularly wanted to emphasize something Butterfly said. Keeping busy is the best way I have found to manage my depression. No, it doesn't cure the pain, but it does make it slightly more tolerable. It certainly works better than any medication or doctor I have encountered. Do you have any hobbies? I know it is difficult for those of us with depression to feel interested in anything, but it is worth trying. There are times (thankfully!) when I get lost in something I am doing and then, perhaps an hour later, I suddenly realize that, for 60 minutes at least, I didn't feel quite as wretchedly horrendous as I normally do.

    We all think no one understands the pain we are going through and to some extent that is true - no one can ever completely know what you are experiencing. Yet, Carbie, I can assure you that everyone on this site has his/her own demons, and many here can empathize with you more than you might realize.

    Please understand that we are all on the same side here. We are all fighting this monster inside our minds every single day, so - at the risk of sounding too corny - we have all got to stick together.

    Take care and please keep posting. People are listening.
     
  19. DarkLordVader

    DarkLordVader Well-Known Member

    i guess that it ultimately comes down to me doing something to improve myself, today/tonight i just am not ready. tomorrow, the next day or next week? maybe things will change. since i have been angry and mean to everyone i must apologize to you all. i am in extreme dark pain all the time so my anger shines through, even when i try to control it, it takes over. although i use my anger in order to express myself, my pain so people can understand me rather then sugar coat everything to make it seem so slight. it isnt not that minimal at all, its major and i need people to see that, even my therapist has seen my anger. i am not afraid to use it in order to show where i am at. so take me for what you will, i am not here to make friends with everyone, just need advice. that you all have given me and i need to apply it or i will not live much longer.
     
  20. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Is exercising at home an option? Might be worth a try, since you mentioned not feeling comfortable at the gym.

    Just offering a listening ear, feel free to PM me if you ever want to talk.