1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Lets see

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Oct 18, 2012.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Some days I wake up feeling great, thinking "I got things I have to do today,a schedule, I can make progress" or even some days I just wake feeling good, and thinking "Hey, maybe it was all just a dream and I'm fine. Maybe I am not having anxiety problems, physical pains or vision problems.."

    Some days I get up and think.. I want to contribute something in my life, I want to be able to work, I want to be able to go to school. I want to take programming courses, writing classes, or art classes. I believe I can.

    Then the days goes on. My headaches develop. I forget where I am going, What I am doing. I have a near panic attack on a crowded bus, gasping for air to breathe, feeling hot and cold like I will pass out and moment as I hold my dog as I shake trying to calm myself down.

    I end up seeing spots, I have to increase the text size on my computer.. I have been having to wear sunglasses because of the light penetrating my eyes so strongly.

    When the laptop flickers, lights inside the bus move; My eyes spasm, My arm starts shaking, I space out.

    At nightfall I feel so much anxiety and panic. I lay down with the lights turned off, thinking someone is going to break in and attack me. But I also know my dog is there to protect me. As she has growled at others who have come in while we are sleeping. But still I struggle to sleep each night.

    Internally I know I am hiding things from myself. Sometimes I can see it, things that have happened. But I soon forcefully forget. I don't want to know these things, I want them to leave me alone. I want the fears, sadness, and hate to simply not exist. So I don't allow them presence in my mind.

    I am beginning to hate my brain. I hate how I have all these pains. I feel as though I am falling apart, unable to remember what day it is, where I'm going, what I'm going to be doing.

    I feel this desire to show everyone that I can be someone in this world. That I can make it through and do something great with my life. I want to finish this book my friend and I are writing, become known for our book and writing. Maybe get back into programming too. I have not been feeling suicidal as much as I would have thought. But right now I have support of my friend whom for now I cannot leave behind.

    I have come so far with my friend. We have been traveling through thick and thin. All year, ever since March when we both got a boot into a world on the streets. I didn't abandon her then, and I wont now. I know one of my reasons for living here right now is to help her and as many people as I can through my life. Even when it kicks me in the butt. It is part of my nature, always has been.

    I know later on I will experience another episode of extreme depression. And again for a while I will feel suicidal again. But for now I feel alright. And I am dealing with what I got right now as best I can. Being as patient as I can be. And being persistent in seeking the resources I need.

    I think sometimes I try and distract people as well from themselves by putting their attention on me. Because for me, that is how I feel any better. When I can not think about my own problems. But I also feel selfish doing so. I am trying to practice other ways of helping people besides that. Maybe asking them questions about their interests and such might be a good starting point.

    I know I haven't been posting really at all. I am sorry this is so long winded. I appreciate all that SF has done for me and continues to do by being a support for me at times.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope you and y our friend continue to support each other hun and that you persue whatever path that brings you some peace. hugs to you