Some days I wake up feeling great, thinking "I got things I have to do today,a schedule, I can make progress" or even some days I just wake feeling good, and thinking "Hey, maybe it was all just a dream and I'm fine. Maybe I am not having anxiety problems, physical pains or vision problems.." Some days I get up and think.. I want to contribute something in my life, I want to be able to work, I want to be able to go to school. I want to take programming courses, writing classes, or art classes. I believe I can. Then the days goes on. My headaches develop. I forget where I am going, What I am doing. I have a near panic attack on a crowded bus, gasping for air to breathe, feeling hot and cold like I will pass out and moment as I hold my dog as I shake trying to calm myself down. I end up seeing spots, I have to increase the text size on my computer.. I have been having to wear sunglasses because of the light penetrating my eyes so strongly. When the laptop flickers, lights inside the bus move; My eyes spasm, My arm starts shaking, I space out. At nightfall I feel so much anxiety and panic. I lay down with the lights turned off, thinking someone is going to break in and attack me. But I also know my dog is there to protect me. As she has growled at others who have come in while we are sleeping. But still I struggle to sleep each night. Internally I know I am hiding things from myself. Sometimes I can see it, things that have happened. But I soon forcefully forget. I don't want to know these things, I want them to leave me alone. I want the fears, sadness, and hate to simply not exist. So I don't allow them presence in my mind. I am beginning to hate my brain. I hate how I have all these pains. I feel as though I am falling apart, unable to remember what day it is, where I'm going, what I'm going to be doing. I feel this desire to show everyone that I can be someone in this world. That I can make it through and do something great with my life. I want to finish this book my friend and I are writing, become known for our book and writing. Maybe get back into programming too. I have not been feeling suicidal as much as I would have thought. But right now I have support of my friend whom for now I cannot leave behind. I have come so far with my friend. We have been traveling through thick and thin. All year, ever since March when we both got a boot into a world on the streets. I didn't abandon her then, and I wont now. I know one of my reasons for living here right now is to help her and as many people as I can through my life. Even when it kicks me in the butt. It is part of my nature, always has been. I know later on I will experience another episode of extreme depression. And again for a while I will feel suicidal again. But for now I feel alright. And I am dealing with what I got right now as best I can. Being as patient as I can be. And being persistent in seeking the resources I need. I think sometimes I try and distract people as well from themselves by putting their attention on me. Because for me, that is how I feel any better. When I can not think about my own problems. But I also feel selfish doing so. I am trying to practice other ways of helping people besides that. Maybe asking them questions about their interests and such might be a good starting point. I know I haven't been posting really at all. I am sorry this is so long winded. I appreciate all that SF has done for me and continues to do by being a support for me at times.