It's that time of year again. Bell Canada is having their Let's Talk campaign once again. The purpose, to create awareness about mental health issues. For every talk, text and tweet message made on their Bell server on January 28th, they will donate 5cents from each towards mental health awareness. And they will have well known Canadian celebrities talking about their illnesses and how they overcame them. Bravo Bell! Any awareness that can be drawn to such a misunderstood illness is wonderful. But... Certainly it's sad that anyone suffer. But it makes me feel worse about myself rather than better when I sit and see these famous people recalling their experiences and then how they got the professional help and support they needed to be able to move forward. Today on a local talk show program on tv, there was a professional doc listing all the "symptoms" that one should recognize as the onset of depression. Then he continued into the options that are available to those that need help. I had to shut the tv off. And sat, once again, alone, feeling triggered and my good old friend suicide crept up and joined me on the couch. Let's talk...about us. The people that are suffering from mental health issues. Those of us that are more than aware of the pain because of our mental health. Each one of us here that know exactly what we need to do in the way of help. Let's talk about how we can't. I've been suffering with many different forms of mental health issues for over 20 years. It's hard, damn hard! I've been on too many different meds to count. I've had professional help. And that's where I sit today. I needed to have my meds re-evaluated several years back, which was painfully apparent from many attempts at overdosing. My GP referred me to a pdoc. 18 to 24 month waiting list! I receive, in the mail, about a week after my GP made the referral, a letter stating that I was on that long waiting list and if, before I get to see the pdoc and feel suicidal to call a crisis line and to be patient. I did finally get to see that pdoc in April or May of this year. And yes, she did indeed change my meds, drastically changed them. In July with my meds not working, GP not being able to change my meds without the pdoc's recommendation I had a major meltdown that led to a very serious suicide attempt. In the only way I can describe it, I was a mental whack job at that time. The pdoc and I had a misunderstanding do to my error in wording which led to her closing my file. Now I'm back to waiting to see that pdoc, still, to have my meds reviewed and changed. It has been a living hell for the last almost 6 months. Awareness? Yes, I'm well aware of how much I'm struggling. I'm aware of exactly what I need. Since that last visit, the pdoc has now moved. Because I am on SA, I have to see whatever doc they suggest. That's still her. But now she has moved and her office is an over 2 hour away. And I'm back at the bottom of the waiting list...again. She is the only the pdoc in my rural health region. And it is a HUGE area since a very recent amalgamation across the southern part of my province. I'm pretty much in the central part of the region so it's approximately a 2 hour drive north, east or west to receive an help. I've been on a waiting list now for over 5 months to get to see a mental health worker. The local DBT program, which was to start again this spring, has been cancelled as it takes up too much time and resources as I have been told by the intake worker. Awareness? Yes, I'm too well aware of the lack of the help that, is in reality, available to people like me and maybe you too. I suffer many different aspects of mental health. Several of which make it near impossible to live life like others do. Like others too easily and quickly take for granted. I can barely go out of my home to do a simple chore like grocery shopping before all my anxieties and panic attacks hit. So, needless to say, I don't have a job. I eke out each month with 1 payment from SA that covers the cost of my telephone and hydro bills and leaves my barely enough to buy groceries. Yet, I am supposed to according to them be able to do those things as well as put aside approximately $100 each month aside to save to cover my property taxes and house insurance that is due each October. Sometimes, maybe it's for the best that I don't have enough money to go out and socialize, go to a movie or out for a coffee. But then again, it makes me feel like I'm such a failure because I can't do those things like others so easily can. Making the general public more aware and even possibly educate a few about mental health issues is great. But sadly not enough. Not enough to get help to you and me. Not enough to provide better and more professional help and services at fees that we can afford. Not enough to stop the bias within the medical fields that treat you differently once they see your medical files and see anti-depressants etc. in it. Some even under minding or not taking you seriously about what you are trying to convey. Not enough to help someone like me who is sitting here yet again, another night, alone and struggling so badly with suicidal feelings and thoughts that I so badly want to act on. Bell...why only once a year? Why only 5 cents from all the extra business you drum up by promoting such a worthy cause? Why donate it to awareness campaigns? Let's talk about how much more money is needed to help those that are suffering instead of trying to make people aware of an illness that even our own governments try to hide away in a corner? Why have famous people recanting how much they had suffered and how much help they found that they could afford, that paved the way to their wellness now? Maybe it's just me, but, every year at this time, when Bell holds their Let's Talk campaign, all I feel like doing is crawling into a corner and reminding myself of what a failure I am because I am all too well aware of my mental health issues, what they are doing to negatively affect my life and how little nobody that should care, actually does. If you've actually read this all to this point...let's talk! Feedback would be greatly appreciated.