OK I guess it's not so original but I'm not in an "original" state of mind right now, nor are my problems very original, I guess I've battled depression sence I was about 10 and been suicidal off and on (mostly on) sence a class mate hung himself when I was in 7th grade, age 12. Before that suicide never even occored to me. I've been "odd" all my life and being odd means you are teased relentlessly in school. It's been a long, long time sence I was in school but the teasing has left it's scars that will always be a part of me. I finaly know why I'm odd (I have Asperger's [autism]) but that doesn't help me with making and keeping friends, or my other social problems. It's like knowing why your car won't start doesn't really help if you have no idea how to fix it (or if fixxing it is even possible) but at least now I know it's not really my fault in that I did something wrong at some point in my life. I really don't want to whine and complain about my problems but this seems like a good anonymous , safe place to cry so here it goes. Because of the autism I've never really had a real girlfriend. I've had sex all of 1 time and it wasn't that great, but who's first time is great anyway? I've dated but only very rarely gotten past date 1 and never gotten past date 3. (the one time with the sex was after date 2 but I never saw her again after). On top of that, dispite the fact I'm very qualified at my job (I'm a welder/fabricator) and a good worker. I very rarely miss a day of work and I work hard when I'm on the clock. I'd think I'd be very disirable to have on staff. Unfortunatly blue collar workers aren't very tollerant of odd behavior so I've never been able to hold a job more than a year. Also my field tends to wax and wain so that might have some impact but not really this much. I just wonder, with all the pain and personal failures I've had and continue to have in my life why carry on? I mean how many time am I supose to try to make it on my own in the world before I decide it's impossible? I see it this way. I'm agnostic with a strong lean twards atheist. To me God eather does or does not exist. If he does exist then He's understanding and would not punish a person who made the best go of it he could and failed. If He does not exist then when we die, that's it "No Les No More" as the old tombstone read. Eather way I'd be better off and my pain would end. But what I'm really concerned about is the pain I'd cause others around me. Mostly my parents who have let me come home when I fail at my latest venture (when I say "venture" I don't mean some crazy plan. Just trying to get and keep a normal job) and my best friend who's stood by me for more than 15 years (but who has no romantic intrest in me) and her son who thinks I'm "cool" (he's 4). Is it noble to suffer in extream pain to save others from pain if they don't even know you're doing it? Is emotional pain any less real than physical pain? If I had terminal cancer and was in the worst pain the doctor would order that I be "made comfortable" even if that means a leathal dose of moraphine? Why is emotional pain not treated the same as physical pain? It's a long post I know but I feel at least a little better getting all this off my chest and if you've read this far maybe you can give me a little insite. I'll hang around at least long enough to get an answer.