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Letter to my Dad

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Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
Dear Paps,

Now before you stop reading this, know I'm not writing this to piss you off or any of that kind. I know you don't like reading letters, but please read this one letter. Please.

As we both know, our situation is kind of 'screwed up'. You probably feel that's my fault, and for the biggest part it is, but not entirely. I think in a way we are both responsible for the way we are now. This letter is to try and explain why I act the way I act, why I am the way I am and most of all, why I've been towards you and J. the way I've been. So please bare with me through this letter, it'll explain a lot.

You know how I used to be a very wild, happy girl. Always making fun of everything. And I know I've never been the sweetest daughter, more like always pushing the boundaries. But I changed, a lot. Eventually the happiness and wildness, mostly became a mask.
You know that I used to skip some classes at school and that I didn't always get good grades. Well, I ended up skipping a WHOLE LOT of classes, dad. And barely got any good grades anymore. School never really spoke to you about it, because I asked them too. They knew about me being depressed. Yes, dad, depressed. I've been depressed since like 2004. I'm sorry that I never told you about it until last November, I'm so sorry, but I just did'nt want to let you down. You and J. always had these expectations of me. You were so disappointed in me when I dropped out of Latin and when I came home with grades below 6. It probably never was your intention, but you put so much pressure on me. I felt like nothing ever was good enough.

Mum's death has got to do a LOT with my depression, I'm sure, but there's more. My bisexuality, for example. I found that out when I was like 12 or something about that age. It took me some years to accept it for myself, and the fact that basically the whole school found out about it when I got into a fight with my friend S, didn't help. But eventually I accepted it for myself, which is when I left a letter at home to inform you guys about it. I know that's bad. But you know I'm not much of a talker, I'm better on paper. Anyway, I understand you guys probably were shocked about it, which is why you told me not to tell anyone cos it was 'just a phase' and all. But it really hurt me. Also I've been attacked by guys in 2004.
Then I met a girl online, she understood me. I met her in June 2004, when the two of you were on vacations. We became really close in a really short time. I know you are against internet friends, judging the way the two of you acted when I talked about that girl from Romania or about that girl from Australia. But believe me you can become REALLY close friends with a person you meet online. But so anyway, she and I got close and we'd phone on daily base, were on MSN a lot and all.
She killed herself in August. I never told you about her, or what happened to her, because I knew you'd be against it and besides you'd ask questions which I really didn't want to answer. So I just dealed with it all alone.

At home I kept on a sort of 'happy-mask' cos I hated disappointing and failing you. You've already been through so much hurt in your life, especially with Mum dying. I didn't want to add anything up to that.

It was hard to keep it all from you, which has also been part of why I was so difficult at home, why I behaved so... not nice. I'm sorry for being such a difficult person to raise, I really am.

Moving out this September did me the world of good though. Our relationship wasn't exactly good and I really needed space. I am someone who needs a lot of space, you know. And then I moved into a house, with people who accepted me the way I was. I didn't feel any pressure anymore. I know you probably never meant to pressure me and there's no hard feelings there, but there WAS pressure or at least I felt pressure. and that was gone when I moved out. My housemates are all really laid-back and understanding and I can be myself.

(to be continued...)
That first part actually just brought tears to my eyes. You probably won't understand why, but i am proud of you for writing that. I hope you do send it x

Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
I guess the fact that I got so much freedom and to my feeling, finally could be myself is part of the reason why I stayed in touch less and less. You and J. gave me a taunted feeling. :sad:
So I stayed in touch less and less and the way you responded only made it worse. And then my depression kicked back in again. Well, not really something to make me happy. And because I had gotten so used to being myself, and not putting on that 'happy-mask' anymore, I COULDNT put it on anymore, which is why I visited you guys less and less, because I couldn't put on a mask anymore and I didn't want you to know how shitty I was doing, because I didn't want to let you down and I didn't want you to know how much of a failure I am.

And yes as I explained before, my depression was the main cause to why I dropped out of Uni, and the fact that you didn't understand but just got mad about it, didn't exactly help me overcome my depression. Don't get me wrong, I DO understand where you're coming from, but it hurt, a lot. And I think that's where it totally went wrong between us. I couldnt do it anymore I didnt want to visit you anymore, because you didn't understand and for my feeling didn't even TRY to understand.

(to be continued...)

Sa Palomera

Well-Known Member
my depressive feelings increased. And along with that my alcohol abuse, as well as the amount of hashcookies I ate.
Yes I eat hashcookies every now and then, nothing to worry about though, because I also smoked joints every now and then when I was dating S..... back in 2005.

Anyway, after we hadn't been in touch at all after Christmas, I thought it'd be time for me to make it up to you. That's why I was back home with your birthday. Because it was your birthday and I also wanted to make it up to you. But when you came back home, there was this... cold. I didnt feel any love or affection coming from you. I didnt know how to respond to that, so I just tried to act as normal as possible since you and J. seemed to be doing the same.

But then when you said what you said on Sunday... it broke me, dad. I told you I don't know what's going on and then you told me I better not come visit anymore as long as I couldn't answer that question... I know you probably were trying to get me to work on it, but that doesnt work for me like that, Dad. It broke me.
So yeah after that I felt horrible for like a week and I had way too many hashcookies and alcohol. Until I realized that would only make everything even worse.
Now I'm trying to crawl back up, get rid of this depression. And I will, I'm sure of that and my housemates have faith in me and they are there for me and help me. They love me and I love them and they are great friends.
But I think that for now, you are right. It's best if we'd not see or speak to each other anymore, at least not for a while. I need to get my life back on track and sort everything out, and I can't deal with our situation on top of everything else.

I care for you a lot, dad, but I think we need to take a break for a bit. At least until I got my life back on track. I hate that it has come to this point, but this just doesn't work. It hurts us all too much if we keep going on like this.
I hope that this letter has explained it all a bit and that you understand me better now.
There was another reason for me to write this letter, though. I am so sorry, but I MUST ask it, because I need to know and I would really appreciate you writing me a letter back, dad.
But, do you love me?
Because I think that deep down inside I do still love you, dad. I just need to know if you do still love me as well.

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